I love to iChat

Talking online is so much funnier than talking in person sometimes.



I also love to talk about boys through instant messenger.

That's right! Brandy's back in business! That's what happens when my calls are returned.

NO.

I'm so grossed out. I don't even think I could eat this high.

Highlights from a conversation with Kailyn Newton

I called my 5-year-old niece during some downtime at work today. We talked about many things but here are some of the highlights.

Kailyn: Girl, you know I work at Six Flags now.

Brandy: Oh yeah?

Kailyn: I had to fix the rollercoaster. It went all the way up and there was all these people on it and they was stuck.

Brandy: So you fixed it?

Kailyn: Yeah but then my boss didn't want to pay me. She came to my house and I said, "Boss you gotta pay me for working at Six Flags." She only gave me two dollars!

Brandy: Only two dollars? What are you supposed to do with that?

'Kailyn: I know! I said I gotta buy clothes for my kids!

Her complaints about her boss continued for a bit and then it was back to rollercoasters.

Kailyn: You know this one man got on the rollercoaster today and he was fat. I'm talking 'bout real fat. He had him a girlfriend and she was only a little fat so she could fit okay in the seat. They was on the big kids rollercoaster that goes up real high. Then when the rollercoaster started going she got scared. And she jumped off and killed herself, girl. I said, "Dang, she done jumped off that rollercoaster and done killed herself."

Brandy: That's tough, pal.

Kailyn: You know I'm trying to be on TV too. You want to hear my song for my TV show?

Brandy: Of course.

Kailyn then proceeded to sing a five minute long tune during which I had to put her on hold to take another call. When I clicked back over to her, she started right back where she'd left off in her little ditty never missing a beat. I put her on speakerphone so that my office could share in the joy of her off-key high pitched rendition of a hybrid of the theme songs from Lizzie Maguire, That's So Raven and a sprinkle of Rihanna's hit Unfaithful.


I mean, of COURSE this kid is a star!

I need this NOW

Still working on a way to make this happen. So far I've just been praying.

I've had too much to drink

This is my vacant Paris look.
It comes out mostly after situations involving open bars and free food.

I just don't know

But I would LOVE to win some free MAC cosmetics!!

I long to achieve this level of fame.

When to break up

Once I was dating this guy and I decided to surprise him one night. I put on a sexy little black corset and thigh-hi stockings with garters, and heels. I covered myself up with a long trench coat and headed out of my apartment to catch a cab to his West Village walk-up.

We had talked earlier in the evening and he said that he didn't have any plans. He wanted me to come over and hang out. I was planning on going to a show with friends but it fell through so I reckoned that if I couldn't be at the show I wanted to go to, I might as well have some fun sex.

So I hailed a cab and headed west. I buzzed his door and I was very excited walking up the stairs. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when I showed up.

He opens the door and I greet him with a coy smile. I then discover that he has three friends over and they are all smoking out of a bong . Billy Joel played in the background and I made a little note to self to start dating guys who weren't born in the same decade as my father.

He welcomed me in and made introductions and then he tried to take my coat. Before I could stop him he'd slid it off my shoulders and I was standing in my sexy little outfit in front of four stoned middle aged guys.

"Oh, um, hi," I said.

After a long silence one of the friends stood up and was like, "Well, I'm going to be going." The otehr friends followed suit. And what does the guy I'm dating say?

"Guys--I thought we were going to watch a movie."

I'm just standing here half naked the entire time. I look down at my fabulous outfit and then around the room at guys who were probably really hot before the second marriage and the cocaine.

"Yeah--you guys should watch a movie. I'm going to go. I actually just stopped by the say hello. I'm on my way to meet a friend." I moved to get my coat.

"A friend?" One of the guys inquired.

"Yes. My pimp. Bye you guys."

And I left.

I got out to the street and as I buttoned up my trench, I debated crying or laughing. I'd just shown up in a Fuck Me outfit and the man I'd been seeing almost exclusively for two months wanted to watch a movie with his friends instead of accepting what I'd just dropped into his lap.

He called about five minutes later, after I was already back in a cab and heading down Varick Street. Come back, he says, you looked great, I was kidding about the movie. The calls and texts continued for another hour or so and I didn't pick up.

Unfortunately, I'm a one-strike kind of girl. I've tried the whole, "Let's give them another chance" game. But I never give them another chance if I'm sensing they're not that into me. And when a guy still wants to watch a movie with his friends after I show up with the clear intention of allowing him to put his penis into my vagina, I get a real big sense of "He's not that into you Brandy."

So that's when you know when to break up.

In today's news....

I love Yahoo News. Always on top of today's REAL ISSUES.

My favorite line? "Jack's a whizz on the PC and just pressed all the right buttons."

Newsflash British mom--most kids know how to press buttons. In fact, if you left your kid alone in a room with a computer and he didn't fuck with it, you'd know something was wrong.

Butt Sex with Brandy Is A NO-NO

Two of my biggest sexual annoyances are BUTT SEX and FINGER-BANGING.

Please enjoy the following IM conversation I had during work today.

Who wants a "Sometimes When My Poop Is Big, It Hurts" baby tee?

Loving the recognition

Love this in my Myspace comments.

Note: My shift key is fucked up. You don't realize how much you need that key until it's fucked up and you have to THINK about when you press it.

Sexytime was great!!

Thanks to everyone who came out for a fabulous second installment of Sexytime! The performers were great, people were laughing and I was pleasantly tipsy and wearing one of my newly altered and fitted onesies. Savanna Samson was absolutely amazing. she told a particulary great story about going down on Jenna Jameson and another uplifting anecdote about psyching herself up for a five-way gang bang. This woman is my idol.

I love Friend Requests!!

The name says it all I think.

Sexytime is tonight!!

What are you doing tonight?

If you live in New York City, you're comigto Sexytime with Brandy and Heather!!! We will be BRINGING IT tonight, friends.

We've got a terrific lineup--

• The crazy antics of Andy Borowitz
• SNL writer alum and all around funny man, Leo Allen
• the svelte and charming Chelsea Peretti
• and welcoming special guest, the one and only Miss Savanna Samson!

And I bet you're wondering, Brandy, what IS Sexytime? Will there BE sex at Sexytime?

Well, folks, Miss Heather Fink and I discovered while hanging out that we both love sex. We love talking about it, we love doing it. And we also both love comedy. So naturally we would want to host a comedy show with a sexy flair. Everyone has a hilarious sex story--whether it was a guy who humped your leg until climax, or a guy who couldn't get it up unless I pretended to be a librarian, or maybe it was just an awkward situation on a stranger's futon. In any case, sex is funny and so are we.

And sorry, if you were hoping to see us make out, you'll be disappointed. But if you're hoping to see hilarity, then we'll see you and your $5 cover at Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction at midnight.

I heard tale of free treats.

I love everything about this.

I see this when I go to search for the DJ Girl Talk on Myspace.

Of course I had to go to the website. I knew I'd find something hilarious but this is too much.

Some of my favorite lines from John's tip of the day.

"I am a personal trainer at an average gym, and I tell you that place is a gold mine."

"Just be yourself (abbreviated JBY from now on) is a dangerous or, at the very least, counter-productive tip for a number of reasons. One - JBY is the advice you're most likely to receive from someone who has no clue about how women, dating, and relationships work."

And I love his internet dating tips!

"You will have to send your initial email. This should be fairly short, but needs to be both funny and insightful. In other words, be sure to read her profile – let me repeat that – be sure to read her profile! So many guys send out standard emails to women online, and it is obvious to them that you have taken no time to read about her. If you read the profile, can make a light joke out of something she reveals, compliment her and share something in common, you have a strong chance of hearing back from her."


I think maybe I want to date John. I wonder if he has a girlfriend. He's so good at meeting women!!

Confession Time

I'm seeing this great new guy now. Totally hot, totally nice. He's also the same guy who saw me barfing all over myself a few weeks ago, yet he is still into me. (I also barfed last night and he was there--oops.) Since we started seeing each other, I've discovered a little something about myself.

Hot guys can get me to do anything.

First up--I do not do PDA. I'm not an affectionate person. Never have been. I don't like to be touched unless I'm about to get it on. I'm not a hand-holder. I'm not a kissy-face-bury-your-face -in-my neck-please-while-lots-of-people-are-around kind of lady. I save my smooches for when no one else is around.

But with this guy I have openly made out on the A train, the G train, the F train, in the movie theater, all over Tribeca....the list goes on and on. And I know it's because he's so hot.

Second--I always try and stay on the right side of the law. The worst thing I've done (besides heavy drug usage) is buy children's tickets out of the machines at the movie theaters. But I don't look at that as wrong--movie tickets in New York shouldn't be so expensive. But once again, Mr. Hot has talked me into something I wouldn't normally do--we jumped the subway turnstiles. I was terrified but it all worked out for the best. We made out as soon as we got to the platform.

It's all justified though. It's not everyday a lady is having sex on a regular basis with someone so cool.

More resume don'ts

So today was filled with more sifting through hundreds of resumes. Here are some highlights:

"I grew up watching the news and reading the paper every day. I anticipated what it would be like to be on scene and shoot the stories. As a photographer and associate producer, I've tasted my dream. I have ample experience to offer your station."

I work at a TV production company. NOT a TV station. But I am glad that this person has tasted her dream. I hope it tasted like chocolate.

Here is my Resume and a brief Technical list. I am currently a bagel maker, working in the shipping department. I was most recently in Alaska, processing fish. My goal then was to go to Seattle and Los Angeles, and San Francisco. In between fishing seasons- i was going to look for work in my field. I came back to New York. I am still looking for work in my field.

The job I need to fill is for an assistant editor. I'm not sure what job ad this guy was looking at. But it wasn't the one I placed.

My goal is to understand your objectives and efficiently help you realize them.

Thanks for the thought and consideration, pal. I'd like to understand my objectives too.

And finally, when sending out resumes make sure you check who you're sending it to. This guy emailed me twice.


I guess he realized his mistake because then I got this one.

Whenever I read through resumes it makes me so happy that I have a job.

Don't forget!

Next Wednesday is a special day everyone!!!

Note: Yes, Meat Loaf is one of my myspace friends. He requested me. I always knew I was awesome.

My new boyfriend?

I don't know--he sounds so hot. Maybe I would have liked for him to lick that too. Whatever "that" may be. Everything about this message makes me laugh.

Mortified TONIGHT!!

I have a show tonight!!

I will be reading from my middle school journal and if you live in New York, you don't want to miss it. I know that now I am put together and awesome, but once upon a time I was a 5'8 13-year-old who topped the scales at a mere 106, wore large glasses, and had quite an affinity for Keds and slouch socks.




Mortified
Tank Theatre @ Collective Unconsciousness
249 Church Street at Franklin St.
8pm
$15


And don't forget about Sexytime this Friday!! Visit our site for details.

Sunday Afternoon

This was a fabulous Sunday afternoon.

My Saturday Night

Currently, it's Sunday, circa 2pm. My apartment is clean because I got ambitious last night around 4am. The Eagles-Giants game is on and my present state can only be described as "Recovering"--head pounding, glasses on, remnants of last night's mascara coming on of my fingers in I rub my eyes. I brought home a pile of work to get done at some point this weekend and it's still in my work bag, untouched.

Last night was a classic New York melting pot story. I went out to Williamsburg to help out my favorite designer at her flagship store for her fashion show. Her clothing line is called Mandate of Heaven and I love everything she's ever made. I wore a onesie with a snap crotch and had a fabulous time.



After the show, I, along with my homegirls Heather and Bobsie, was ready for an incredibly fun Saturday night. We ended up at a bar in Williamsburg with two friends of Heather's, two other girls, and a model from the show. I start to get antsy and ready to be back in Manhattan around 1 so we go to another place in Williamsburg, this one with food, and meet up with about ten other people I've never met before. There were lots of french fries there, and some calamari. We finally leave this place and I decide that the best idea is to just go back to my apartment and have a good time. So we head into the city, now a group of 7, including me, my friend Bobsie, and 5 strangers. We then proceed to have a really fun party at my house where we all discover that each of us only really knows one other person in the room and everyone else has just been introduced that night. I passed a notebook around for emails and phone numbers and because I kept forgetting everyone's name.

We drank and talked and laughed til 4am when the last straggler headed out. I was then wasted enough to think that cleaning my apartment was a fabulous idea. So I didn't get into bed until 5, but I woke up to a spotless house this morning and really--what else can a girl ask for?

This dog saw me have sex.

No further explanation needed, methinks.

My inbox is rocking my world.

I love it when I check my mail and I get happy surprises like this.

I always forget what I'm getting next.

Thanks Netflix--you just made my Friday.

Inappropriate Caption Of The Day.

"I hooked up with your uncle and your dad for the sake of America. Don't judge me."

Don't EVER be embarrassed!

Own your music choices people. And make everyone in you office love your eclectic tastes!


Here's what I was grooving to at my desk.

Another one bites the dust.

Or rather, blows the dust. It seems to be true--Rudy Huxtable is an avid skier.

Thanks to DListed for this.



And to think--I wanted to BE Rudy Huxtable. I really loved that cute little friend she had with the fun laugh. I wonder if they ever did coke together?

Goodbye summer

We had a good run. Thanks for being hot. I'll always remember the open bars, the random roof parties at my apartment, the assortment of men who came in and out my room, and of course, the 4th of July.



I'm not looking foward to the cold but I am kind of looking forward to fall. I had wings and watched football yesterday.

In non-related news, today is my dad's birthday. Every year I call him to send my birthday wishes and to also ask just how pissed he is that one of America's worst disasters fell on his special day.

And every year he says, "Not too great, I don't guess."

In even more non-related happenings--if I see one more commercial for Gridiron Gang, I'm going to shoot myself in the ankle.

Sexytime!

Sexytime is back!! We even have a website.

Heather Fink and myself will be welcoming to the Sexytime stage

Andy Borowitz!

Leo Allen!

Chelsea Peretti!

Savanna Samson!


That's right, the use of exclaimation points denotes AWESOME SHOW.

Details:

When: Friday 9/22 @ Midnight
Where: Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (btn 2nd and 3rd Sts)
How much: $5

I used to be a dork

And on September 20th at 8pm, if you live in New York City, you can come down to TriBeca and listen to me as I share with strangers intimate moments from my 8th grade journal.

I got my first diary when I was 7. I begged my dad for one and he came through. It was small and hardcover and had a key and a lock. I still have this little journal as well all the ones I've kept since then. I've always kept a pretty detailed account of the fun that is Brandy Crawford and Mortified is a show in which I will be able to share a little of me with the world.


Visit the website here. And mark your calendars. Here's a little taste:

Wednesday, March 22, 1995

It is so hot! It feels like July instead of March. We (eighth graders) are taking the ITBS this week. I think that I’m doing all right. I’m sort of mad right now. Today at lunch, I borrowed a dollar from Julie to get a drink from the Minute Maid machine. I was standing in line and the dollar was sticking out of my fist. Someone took it! Timmy Hammock, Ben Elkins and Jeff Keck were the people nearest to me. Timmy was laughing. I asked them if they has taken my dollar and of course they said no. I know that Timmy did it. I was so mad that I could have killed him. Strangled him and then dismembered him. I just went back to my seat. I shouldn’t worry about it though. Whoever took that dollar will probably go to hell. One day, I’m going to show all those people at my school. I am. I’m going to be famous and pretty and maybe even rich. Then they’ll wish that they hadn’t made fun of me and stole my dollar. They’ll see. Sometimes I wish I was like Carrie (the movie) and could kill them at will, but that’s a sin and I’d go to hell if I did that. It’s also a sin to wish for it so I shouldn’t do that either.


I was totally cute right? And, thanks to my uber-religious family, completely brainwashed and terrified of what God would do to me once he found out what a sinner I was.

In related news, NYC folk rejoice--Donovan Babb is moving to Brooklyn in a week! New York just got even more awesome! Donovan was my first real friend with a swimming pool at his house. How could we not have become BFFs?

I'd also like to note that speaking of eighth grade, I'm watching Friends on TBS right now and it's the episode where Ross and Rachel kiss for the first time I think (she's at Central Perk and they have a big fight and then he comes back and it's raining and blah blah blah, barf barf barf).
I remember watching this when it first aired and I'm pretty sure it was somewhere in the vicinity of 1995.

The Governor said it best.

I mean, sometimes, you're governor and you're just chilling with your aides, maybe working on a speech or two. But mostly you're just relaxing. Kicking it with your homies, who also happen to work for you. And maybe you're just talking about another politician. You know, just making some conversation with your peeps. And maybe the coversation turns to Cubans and Puerto Ricans. I mean, everyone KNOWS how hot Cubans and Puerto Ricans are. I mean isn't Cuban Spanish for "Black/Cuban mix"?





There's a reason for everything. And I think we know now that reason that California elected The Terminator to be its governor.

You can read the whole article here.

He has GREAT taste in girls!

Alanis Morrisette couldn't have said it better.

Isn't it ironic?

A part of me wants to make a joke, but the bigger part of me knows that would be in bad taste.

Any lessons learned here? Brandy Crawford doesn't do the wild.

Rachael Ray can BLOW me.

I used to really like her. Okay, I'm kidding. I never really liked her but I did like to watch 30 Minute Meals because if I was feeling bad about myself, I could watch that and feel better--at least I'm not Rachael Ray, I'd say.

Then a few months ago, I met her at the Starbucks at Union Square 9the one by Food Emporium, NOT McDonalds) and she was kind of rude. So now I can't stand her and I'm really perturbed that Oprah is endorsing her. I like Oprah a lot but she makes decisions at times that make me question the validity of her sense of good and bad.

And now she has her own talk show. I'm praying that it will pull a Chevy Chase and be done after two episodes. But I think that i might last. She's just so sickening that I just bet Midwestern hosuewives will eat her bullshit for lunch.

I mean who doesn't want to watch a show where one can find out "the real deal with what's in celeb's fridges?"

Barf.




But I still secretly wouldn't mind being friends with her.

Who needs NYU?

Yesterday I took a little trip to the West Village to pick up some you-know-what. I was with two friends and we were standing on the steps of a brownstone waiting for our guy to come out. We all noticed the massive amounts of new NYUers traisping about with their bookstore bags and idealistic pre-college views of life seeing as that we were in the heart of NYUville right near Washington Square Park.

Turns out that I, along with the people I was with, had all been accepted to NYU, yet all three of us decided not to go. I ended up a Georgia Bulldog and my friends were Syracuse Orangemen. We all agreed that we made the right decision with our respective schools.

That's when my friend says,

"If I'd gone to NYU, I'd probably have AIDS. Guys don't let my give any of those new freshman head, okay?"