Did you know....

....that Santa spits in bad kids' eyes?

I didn't either but Christmas Eve night I had this conversation with Kailyn as I put her to bed.

Kailyn: Bran, is Santa real? Like for real?
Me: Of course he is.
Kailyn: So you're not lying to me?
Me: Do I ever lie to you?
Kailyn: So......is him gonna spit in my eye?
Me: What?
Kailyn: Grandma said Santa spits in little kids' eyes if they is bad.
Me: That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. And it's ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

I'm also proud to say that I have introduced Kailyn to two new terms:

Homeless People

and

Diarrhea

She is now under the impression that homeless people smell like poop and have moms who don't want them. She was asking me about New York and the subway and I said that sometimes there are homeless people on the subway. She asked if they smelled bad and I said that sometimes they do. To which she replied, "I guess their moms don't love them so they don't take baths."


And diarrhea is when you have to "push your poo real hard and it's all squishy." In fact (this is gross but I'll tell), I just had a little tummy trouble from some frozen mac and cheese and when I came out of the bathroom Kailyn says, "Did you have diarrhea? Were you pushing real hard on the toilet stool, Bran? 'Cause I was at the door and I ain't heard you pushing. Was it that squishy?"

PS: She is now in love with the movie Scary Movie 4 and if I have to watch it ONE MORE TIME, I might just wish I was homeless.

5 reasons Brandy's life is good right now

1. I saw Dreamgirls today with my mom and my niece Kailyn. It was one of the BEST MOVIES EVER!!! And it certainly helped my enjoyment of the film sitting next to Kailyn who is five. She danced in the aisles for every musical number and applauded after each song like she was at a play. And then she made fun of me for crying at the end.
2. I found a little jewel of a movie in my dad's massive DVD collection called Bring It On: All or Nothing. I LOVE IT. First off, I love dance movies. Second, I watched this with Kailyn too as she did my hair (it's in a tangled side ponytail. She thought it would make me look "edgy."
   
3. Kailyn krumping. If you don't know what krumping is, read about it here. And know that my niece, Kailyn Newton, is a 5-year-old dance PRODIGY. The cheerleaders were krumping in the movie. She watched it through once, had me rewind it, and THEN SHE DID THEIR DANCE. I have it on tape. I'll be posting it soon.
4. Sam's Club. Say what you will about how evil Wal-Mart is but I just got a black 30 gig iPod WITH WARRANTY for $230.00. Boom.
5. My Christmas present from Chris Barnes. It's a microphone that you plug into your iPod and it turns it into a karaoke machine. That's right. It plays it through your stereo speakers and strips the vocals so any song becomes a karaoke song. Kailyn and I have never had so much fun. You can even do it in the car because it works through the radio. I just took Kailyn home and we sang the entire drive.

Fabulous right? And I just found out that there's a house party in the ATL on Friday night so I can see all my Atlanta friends!!

My grandmother is okay with white guys

Here's a snippet of the conversation we had at Christmas dinner.


Grandma: "So are you seeing anyone special up in New York?"
Me: "Yeah, there's this guy I dig."
Grandma: "I"m not gonna even ask if he's white but, Bran, I want you to know that I am better with that since I found Jesus. We all have to live together in heaven, girl."

I didn't laugh right then. But I did kick my brother under the table to make sure he was listening to what was going on and he was trying so hard not to laugh lemonade almost squirted out his nose. This is the moment I chose to excuse myself and I immediately burst in to laughter in the hallway.

Another funny moment from tonight:

My adorable little niece Kailyn was wearing this really long jean skirt that made her look like a religous fanatic. So I said to her, "What's up with that skirt? It's so long--you look like you really love Jesus."

She looks back at me with her wide pretty eyes and says, "But Bran....I DO love Jesus. A lot!"

And then she picked up my cell phone and pretended to make a phone call to her mythical best friend and work pal Briana.


PS: Let's take a moment and say farewell to James Brown. He's one of those people that I never thought would actually die because he was so....iconic is the word I'm looking for maybe? My grandmother knew him. She may have even boinked him. (She won't tell us!!) Put that in your bowl and smoke it.

Happy Christmas Eve

This morning I was picked up in front of my apartment by a Cadillac Escalade waiting to take me to LaGuardia. I felt like such a superstar.

Then I get to the airport and found out that my plane was delayed by "only two hours."


"Only two hours" when it's 7am SUCKS.

Especially when everyone is traveling with their TODDLERS. If I see one more baby......

Also, there was this ten-year-old kid who had obviously just gotten a camera phone for Christmas and was TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYTHING.

This was my first plane ride in like ten years where I had no CD player or iPod. Talk about hell on earth. I had to LISTEN to everything that was going on around me.

But I'm home now and I've already been to Wal-Mart.

And tomorrow is Christmas!!!

Sexytime tonight!!!

It's Sexytime tonight!!!


Before you leave for the holidays, you should join myself and Heather Fink as we come together at Mo Pitkens and celebrate how much we love the baby Jesus. And menorahs.

Helping us celebrate are

Micah Sherman
Margot Leitman:
Christian Finnegan

and a special call in interview and book giveaway with Nina Hartley (DON'T google her at work!)


Get your $5 here:

www.sexytimecomedy.com


The show sells out quickly and we don't want anyone on a "wait list" so get over the $1.50 service charge and get your tickets today.

Sexytime with Brandy Crawford and Heather Fink
Friday December 22nd, 2006
11pm
$5
Mo Pitkens House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
Btn 2nd and 3rd Sts.


And we'll have lots of Christmas treats and a giveaway of Nina Hartley's new fantastic book "Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex"

My new favorite commercial

I never get sick of seeing this. Does anyone else remember how exciting Christmas used to be? Christmas Eve was the one night a year my little brother and I were best friends. And then we'd wake each other up in the morning and it was CHRISTMAS!!! Come this Monday, I am going to be pissed if my mom wakes me up before noon. And I've done NO Christmas shopping to boot.

But enjoy the commercial.

Also a little FYI:

9 OUT 10 AMERICANS HAS HAD PREMARTIAL SEX.

I just can't believe it!

Because he wants to fuck her.

What's the fun in fucking her if she's not Miss USA?

It's the only thing she has going for her.

Otherwise she's just a hot blonde from Kentucky who
is going to look like hell in 15 years.

Christmas Gifts

Yesterday when I got to work, I had a Christmas present waiting on my desk from the series producer on my show. She got me a candle and some body wash and a gift certificate from McDonalds. She is officially one of my most favorite people ever.

At my first job in the city we all got $1000 bonuses. Talk about flipping the fuck out, I was 22 years old and couldn't believe how much money I was holding in my hand. At my last job, there were no Christmas bonuses but I snagged a couple of bottles of wine and a fleece from Court TV.

More than a few of my friends have gotten awesome Christmas gifts this year and I secretly hate them all. My roommate got a round trip ticket on JetBlue for whereever she wants to go. Two of my friends got iPod nanos. And then there's Justin, who got his first iPod shuffle.

Holiday Happy Hour Fun

Thanks to everyone who had fun at me and Kristyn and Ondi's annual Holiday Happy Hour last night. I was drunk by 8 and barefoot by 10.

Kristyn and I gave Yas her Christmas present!!


We love Mark Tiedemann!!


Heather was feeling sicky but she came!

Your lovely hostesses

Fun people.
(Kind of looks like Jim's beard is gently caressing Kristyn's head-HOT)

The socks were a later addition. I am very warm in this picture. And grinch like.

He's not hearing my point here.

Why I Love Justin Timberlake

That's what I want for Christmas!

Have you heard?

About this Miss USA thing?

It sounds like a porn brought to life.

I always secretly wanted to do pageants, but I was more of a reader as a young child and the readers never really crossed over to the pageant girl side of life.

And here is a picture I like. I want it to be a poster I think.

"Seeing The Light"

or

"This is what drugs do to people."

Can you believe it?

I did it. I really did it.

In other news, a rat crawled across my foot at the party I went to in Brooklyn on Saturday. I flipped out and did not have fun the whole time.

Tonight is my annual Holiday Happy Hour. Lots of pics tomorrow!!

Before Going Out: Saturday Night Edition

So today I went over to Soho to meet my roommate and Sarah Michelle Gellar to do a little Christmas shopping.

That's right: Sarah Michelle Gellar.

My roommate worked with her over the summer and now they're friends. She introduced us to a cool frame and home decor store right above Chinatown and I bought two great Christmas ornaments for under $5. Life is great like that sometimes.

Last night I donned my Santa hat and went to Tribeca for a birthday party. My roommate and I walked in and discovered a room full of black men. I have never seen so many black men in one place in New York City before.

It was kind of awesome.

And then the birthday girl showed up and all of a sudden we are being whisked to VIP and hanging out with Tracy Morgan. My roommate works with him now and introduced us. He said,

"I've heard only good things about you."

I like that.

And now it's almost 7 on a Saturday. I did a little Christmas shopping today and can I just say for those of you who are lucky enough to have an H&M in your town: I HEART the Gift of the Day!! Everyday there's a different gift, like sweaters or dresses or whatever, and it only costs $9.90! WHAT A STEAL!!

I love bargains so much. My kids are really going to hate that about me.


Also, my roommate met Justin Timberlake the other day. I want to call her a whore, but she's not. And I'm not mad, just really really jealous. She got to watch his sound check at SNL!! Bitch! (Not maliciously, mind you.)

I love tall guys and I love dolphins

.....But I've never dated an asian guy.





I'm going to go ahead and let everyone know what kind of person I am:

I, Brandy Crawford, would NEVER reach my arm (I've been told I've got a long pair) into ANY animal's stomach. Does this make me a bitch? I don't really care.

I love Kailyn Newton

I get home a couple of days ago after having kind of a stressful day and checked my mail.

And this was waiting for me.

You guys. I almost died it was so fucking cute!! She writes now! She can write and she writes like such a girl with the hearts and the bubbliness. This kid is going places.

Goodie Bags Rock

So last night I put on my fabulous new kelly green cocktail dress and hit the town for the premiere of my friend Heather's boss's groundbreaking gay porn remake of La Dolce Vita.

They showed the rated-R version instead of the 6 hur XXX version and it was hilarious. One of those things that I can't really write about--you had to be there.

If you ever happen to see Michael Lucas's La Dolce Vita, you can find me in the first scene in a hot dress with very large looking breasts.

Afterwards we all got goodie bags and this is why they rock

1. Big purple vibrating penis
2. Cock ring
3. Marc Jacobs perfume
4. an assortment of Mac cosmetics
5. a Savanna Samson porn
6. the box set of La Dolce Vita porn

So of course I left one drink into the after party. You can't give a girl a huge vibrating penis AND a cock ring and expect her and her date to NOT want to hurry right home.

Cupcakes.....

........are like God's little gifts to us.

And I will be going to this place as soon as I get a chance.

Twinkie cupcakes? Reeses cupcakes? FLUFFERNUTTER CUPCAKES?!??!

It's like a fat kid's wet dream.

I wrote something fun

And it's on Girlspoke.

In other news, I am at work RIDICULOUSLY early right now but I'm okay with it. Because tonight I am wearing my new beautiful cocktail dress to a movie premiere. For this movie.

Yes, it's a gay porn.

Yes, I am in it.

And yes, my mother knows about it and thinks it's cute.

Also here is a little tidbit of an iChat conversation I had that proves that guys DO care about hair.

Happy Tuesday.

Fun with Santa

There's something slightly creepy about this picture. But I'm into it.

We got a tree.

There's no star on top of it yet. But there will be soon.

I also decorated my office.
My co-workers tell me that I'm bringing a college dorm feel to the place.
I should have been a kindergarten teacher.

I also got a new scarf.
Once again, my friends encouraged against the purchase.
But how can a lady NOT want to have a scarf that makes her feel like she has just dived into the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese's?

Yesterday was fabulous for a ew reasons, first and foremost being that I found a BEAUTIFUL KELLY GREEN COCKTAIL DRESS FOR $9.90 at H&M. God I LOVE deals!

I am such an old Jewish man sometimes with the penny pinching.

Emoticons make everything OK!

Currently....

....it's Friday and my lunch was disappointing but I'm drinking orange soda right now so life is okay.

Here in New York, they say "soda." As in,

"I'd like a soda please."
"What kind?"
"Coke."

In Georgia we say, "coke." As in,

"I'd like a coke please."
"What kind?"
"Sprite."

In my family we say "drank." As in,

"I want a drank."
"What kind?"
"Purple."

My Thursday so far

I got to work WAY TOO EARLY this morning. But I can always count on my friends to make me laugh.


Also here's a fun fact about Brandy Crawford. I'm not so into liquids. I am rarely thirsty and even then, I just want a little taste of drink and then I'm fine. I buy a lot of those little kid juice boxes because it's the perfect amount of drink for me.



It's nice to pee though isn't it? Especially if you really have to go. What a feeling after you're through. It's like, I am amazing. I am going to get on with the rest of my life starting now.

Glad my parents don't know how to google.

Because this comes up within the first few results when you google my name.

2 Embarrassing Confessions

1. I just spent WAY too much time looking at 4D images of a friend's baby. The baby is still inside her uterus. I'm still not over it. But the time I get ready to have babies, they will be able to take fucking full color Olan Mills portraits of the kid at five months...in utero.
   
2. Last night I got really into the gingerbread house challenge on the Food Network. I watched the whole thing. My favorite story was from this couple who made a gingerbread house that looked like a wedding cake that had been cut open and had a little house inside. The couple said that the house belonged to "The Pastry Elf." Pastry elves live and work.....in pastries.

That about says it all for tonight.

Look what I found!

So THAT'S what's in those green mailbox things with no letter slot!!!

Bad News

If you see this on your iPod, it's fucked.

My first iPod fell down an elevator shaft.

My second iPod just stopped working one day and erased all my music. All 5,000 unbacked up songs.

Today my third iPod bit the dust. I haven't given up hope yet. I am resourceful when it comes to technology and I've brought this one back from the dead before. But this is the first time I've seen that fucking sad face icon.

Fuck that icon, man.

Merry Christmas from Brandy and Kristyn!!!

We bought our tree today and last night I went to my first holiday party of the year. It was thrown by the boys over at College Humor, none of which I know. They have a huge beautiful loft in Tribeca. When I walked in, I thought, "This is what it means to live in New York." I wasn't my usual talky-talky party self last night which is due in part to the fact that I had been back and forth to Bushwick TWICE already. A girl can't be on all the time right?

PS: The boys with the amazing apartment live on the 6th floor too. Just like me.

But with an elevator.

It's the little things in life.

5 things I'm into right now

1. Justin Timberlake's album FutureSex/LoveSounds. I put this on and all I want to do is dance. Fav track? "Damn Girl". I LOVE IT.
   
2. Christmas. I know, I know. It's overrated. But I still love Christmas songs and decorations and pictures with Santa. Also, I love being drunk and crunk at holiday parties.
   
3. The H&M clearance rack. I just got a one piece satin pantsuit for $15. There is no better feeling than when a lady gets such an awesome deal.
4. The Real Housewives of Orange County. Somehow, I'm getting Bravo even though I don't have cable. I started watching this show this morning. Five hours later, I am hooked. I can't wait til I'm a MILF.
5. Comedy. I have been feeling very funny lately. It's a good feeling.

And just so everyone knows: I'm over penguins. And I was never into dragons.

Don't experts have better things to do?

Shouldn't they be maybe concentrating on disease cures or something? Or maybe they think that Leonardo DaVinci killed JonBenet? Now they've got the fingerprints to PROVE it.

A problem?

I have recently found out that a lot of my cousins are on Myspace. I don't know how it is in other's people's families but I am very close with all of my cousins--they're kind of like my brothers and sisters even though I only have one real brother.

Here's the question. Do I put them in my Myspace top friends?

I mean, I know they are family but I have a VERY SELECTIVE top 20.

Wait.

That sounds bad. I have a Top 20 and I don't have room for the cousins who have loved him since I was awkward and nerdy with glasses? Oh well. I have discovered recently that I am ok with being a bitch.

A woman has to do what a woman has to do.


PS: This just made my day.

Thanks Netflix.

I fucking LOVE babies.

How can you not LOVE him!!!!

And in other news, I have been working a lot these past few days so sorry for the lack of hilarious posts. I've had too much to do to even IM consistently!

But it's Friday now.

Welcome weekend. I love you so much. Almost more than babies.

But I hate that you only last for two days. I need four.