I saw the movie This Christmas a few weekends ago. It was quite possibly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I thought it was corny and kind of really offensive. It's a black family comedy about a family coming home for Christmas. Loretta Devine is the matriarch but somehow all of her children with the exception of Regina King, look like Puerto Rican with a splash of Welsh. One of my biggest problems with the movie is that this family did a soul train line at least 3 times. As if every black family does a soul train line at family gatherings.
I was explaining to my mom and aunt this very problem with the movie when suddenly from the other room, one of my other aunts starts blaring the stereo and shouts,
"Come on y'all!! It's time for the soul train line!!!"
Stereotypes start somewhere I guess.
***
The little love of my life, Kailyn, is 6 now and she's missing a couple of front teeth. Somehow she's become ultra sensitive and while we were taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree she got it into her head that the whole family was making fun of her lack of teeth. So of course she started crying. I took her into another room and explained that no one was making fun of her and that all she has to do is look in the mirror to see how beautiful she is. Somehow this sets her off on a tearful tangent about our cousin Jessica and I'm still not sure why. She says,"And Jessica just thinks she's SO FABULOUS! She's always walking around like she's the prettiest girl in the family. She always thinking she can sing and that she's so fabulous!"
I was trying not to laugh but managed to say, "Kailyn don't even worry about Jessica. She can't think she's too fabulous with that muffin-top opf hers."
I then had to explain what muffin top was and her eyes lit up at the explaination.
So Kailyn runs into the living room and goes up to Jessica, who's sitting on the couch.
"Jessica, next time you want to make fun of somebody being snaggletoofed, you needa remember that you got all that MUFFIN SIDE so you can just shut up!"
***
I have a cousin named Kyndal. She's 6 and she talks like I did and do now--very properly. This "white voice" has often been frowned and puzzled upon in my family for years. Kyndal and I grew (and are growing in her case) up right along side our other cousins and they didn't get the voice. But anyway--she sounds super cute when she talks and she definitely uses words to get her point across, unlike my little niece Amme who is 3 but still uses grunts and whines to let people know what's up. At one point, the family was playing Guesstures in the living room. i was in one of the bedrooms on the phone and Kyndal comes in crying, "They think that I'm to young to participate in a game of charades. But I'm not too young. I'm 6!"Kyndal's shining moment was, I have to admit, during the soul train line. It was her turn to boogie on down and at first she was hesitant and it was obvious she ad never danced in front of people before. She flailed her arms a little, shook one leg, bopped her head.
And then she went insane.
It was like the music hit her and she discovered how awesome dancing is. She was all over the place, just shaking it like she was never going to shake it again. We had to tell her to get off the dance floor and let someone else come down the line.
***
Speaking of dancing, my little niece Amme (pronounced Amy) loves to dance and loves to model. I've seen her when she doesn't know anyone is around just prancing around in those little girl plastic high heeled slippers like she's going down a runway and moving to the music. If a song that she likes comes on, she drops whatever she is doing to dance. Her dancing is hilarious. As one of my aunts put it, "Do you think she's going to grow up and be a stripper? Look at those moves!" Amme was wearing a little satin dress with a ribbon that wrapped around it and she was currently pulling her dress up her legs and shimmying with the ribbon. This lead to a VERY stripperific butt shake and she ended her routine with a few of those classic"Sexy hands on the face and neck" deals.She's 3.
***
We had Christmas at my mom's sister's place and when we got there my aunt had her best friend and "godchildren" over. Well one of these godchildren made off with about $30 from me and my cousin's purses. Who steals at Christmas? And who steals $5?? There was a random 5 in the side pocket of my purse. She took it. My cousin Jessica got a 10 ripped from her purse, my cousin Jasmine, $9, and my cousin Chasity, $10. We discovered the thefts a couple of hours after they left, my poor cousin Jasmine was crying over it--she had taken out that $9 to buy diapers for her baby and that little bitch of a godchild TOOK IT. My aunt called her friend on it and the friend hung up on her.
They are NOT invited back next year but I secretly hope they come. If there's one thing my family is superb at, it's holding a grudge.
***
Today I took Kailyn rollerskating. We went to a rink in the town over from my house and it cost $3 for us to get in and for me to get skates. We walked in and memories of the many childhood birthday parties and school skate nights that I'd experienced at that rink came flooding back, the most memorable being when I skated right into a wall in front of my middle school crush and my nose bled.Kailyn got mad at me twice. Once when I wouldn't give her any more money for tokens because she was WASTING them in one of those "try and NEVER win a stuffed animal and/or nasty gold charm bracelet" machines. She came to tears because I threatened to leave if she didn't wipe that frown off her face. I even went as far as taking our shoes out of the locker. I found myself channeling my own mother as I said, "Do you think I'm made of money Kailyn? That I just have it to waste away on those games? Didn't I give you money for tokens? Didn't I tell you once those were gone you were done?"
She got mad at me again because I made her skate in the middle of the rink with the other little kids so she wouldn't get run down by the rollerblade punks pretending like the whole rink belonged to them personally. "But I'm not little!" she kept saying.
This is after she was bragging to to me and my friend Donovan at lunch that she only weighs 44 pounds.
Only when you're 6 is it ok to brag about weighing 44 pounds.
***
That's been Christmas so far.
0 comments:
Post a Comment