This looks like trouble

Note: Actual ad from Myspace.

Awards are great.

Congrats to Girlspoke!

And my fabulously white teeth!!!


Go us.


Read more about it here.

Wrong Brandy

PHEW.

Can you guess?

Why I am into this?


I expect phone calls from all my nearest and dearest.

This weekend rocked

I didn't do ANYTHING except HANG OUT.

Do you know how awesome it is to not do anything and feel totally okay about it for two days? It's very liberating. I haven't had such a good Doing Nothing weekend since college. I watched TBS for two full days and saw both Men In Black movies twice. I lost another pound and a half when I weighed myself at the gym. (Does this make me sound like I have an eating disorder? I like to weigh myself and take my temperature. I always have.) I am so good at hanging out. And finally I have found another person who may even be better than me at it!

Sexytime was GREAT. See pics here. I felt fantastic about the show and everyone there had a great time. And we gave away t-shirts.

I'm a busy girl at work today but I have all night tonight to post so I'll leave you with this.

"I like you."

What's the news?

I'M DYING HERE!!!!

PS: I missed it.

Story of the Day

I just decided to check out CNN.com because I am never on top of any kind of news that doesn't involve celebs. And I see this.



Why are kids so crazy these days? Read the whole story here, but I picked out my own highlights of why these kids are RIDICULOUS.

• These little ladies named not only Oprah and some classmates, but also Tom Cruise and THE ENERGIZER BUNNY as possible hits......threats to their well-being, if I may add my own non-professional opinion.
  
• They posted about wanting to kill people on Myspace. I mean, really. Come on. Maybe next time don't publicize plans like that on a website that millions of people have access to.
  
• The other students at the school are freaked out--I mean it sounds like such a joke, but I would have some DEFINITE concerns about people who put their classmates as well as Mr. Cruise, Ms. Winfrey, and Mr. Bunny on a hit list.
• And lastly, who the FUCK makes hitlists anymore?

Also, sometimes I am a bitch.

Case in point:

I'm frozen

Today is the coldest day in two years here in New York City. It was 12 degrees when I left my apartment this morning. When I first moved here, I would really overprepare for the cold. I had various shitty temp jobs that required "Business Casual." I'd be in wool pants with long johns on underneath, a tank top, two long sleeved shirts and a sweater plus my down coat. Add to this a fleecy earflap hat, a huge scarf, and worker gloves, and it's no wonder that I didn't date so much my first winter here.

I fainted on the subway twice in this get up.


(PS: Fainting is the FASTEST way to get a seat on a crowded train)


And here's an ad that cracked me up on myspace today.






The internet is always showing us that there is someone for everyone. It's comforting in a way.

Best of Myspace: Cold Thursday Edition

It's freezing outside--real winter is here.

But anytime I need to warm up with a smile, I just check my Myspace messages and there's a grin to be had.

Here's my favorite Message From A Myspace Stranger for today.






This is perhaps one of the results of having one's relationship status read "Swinger" on one's Myspace profile.

5 Places I'd Like To Be RIght Now

1. Smoking a cigarette with Angelina Jolie in a Parisian cafe as we discuss the plight of the woroking actress in Today's Hollywood.
2. Sunning on a lounge chair in the South Pacific with a buff Indonesian cutie massaging my feet and giving me delicious thin almond cookies dipped in Nutella.
   
3. Listening to Billie Holiday play live in a dive jazz club and then drinking her under the table afterwards.
   
4. Playing with my incredibly beautiful, incredibly charming and clever 5 year old wonder-child who I only have ot see when I feel like being a mom. When I don't want it around, it goes away and is self sufficient.
   
5. Snuggling under the covers in a huge comfy California king bed in the master suite of my awesome house in Aspen.

Just a small taste of what I'd like to have right now and am currently lacking in my life.

A little unsettling news for your Thursday

I find it weird and sad that people are being polled about this.
Read the whole article here.

I love the internet

Because it's proof that SOMEONE shares my interests.


It's probably wrong to love my phone so much but I'm already fine with going to hell.

Sexytime is Friday

Read more about it here.

We have the cowboy from the Village People.

THE COWBOY FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!!!!!

Blue Monday Headlines

So apparently, today is the most depressing day of the year. Literally.

It's gray and cold outside and the dreary neighborhood I work in is looking particularly seedy today. I haven't left my office once. I've barely even left my chair. Yet if you asked me what work I got done today, I'd have trouble telling you.

But I'm always good at being online. So here are some headlines that have been popping up in my internet searching today.

First, something to fit with today's depressing theme, at least for me.



And then, this caught my eye but I was too lazy to actually click and read the article.


The word birthday always grabs my attention.


And to this one I say, "I should be getting a raise soon if this is true!!"

Tim on David Cross

David Cross is one of my favorite comedians. If you haven't heard Shut Up You Fucking Baby, you should go out and buy it.
I met him once at a comedy show last year. I played it very cool and I hope he thought I was awesome but I'd be ok if he didn't. He's performing tomorrow night and I'm going to see him and I was just talking with Tim about this. Tim has a lot of opinions.

Top 5 ways Myspace is changing modern dating

1. You can look through his top eight and play the “who has he fucked in his top friends list” game
2. You can communicate entirely through
3. You check his page regularly to find out if his profile has changed from "swinger" "to in a relationship"so that you can finally know where you stand.
   
4. You spend way too much work time IMing your friends links to his page so that they too can analyze his comments section and help you decide if MizLovesDick07 is a threat or realy an old crazy college friend.
5. His entire dating history is usually laid out in his top friends. No one needs access to this kind of information.
   
   
   The internet has made stalking so easy that it seems normal. I prefer to let the mystery stay for a little longer. So even though I might sound like a good idea and be really tempting to go weeding through the world wide web for a little extra info on your current beau or cherie, think of what you'd not like them to find out about you before it's time and don't hit that search button.
   

SMUT on Monday

Come see me talk about sex on Monday. I'll be reading some funny and also VERY sexy stories from my wealth of personal experience at Smut on Monday.

So come and see me get dirty. Also, Heather and Meme from girlspoke will be getting dirty too.

Currently......

.....I'm thinking about the following:

1. What the fuck is the empress's name in The Neverending Story? Do you ever really hear her say it? But she must because Sebastian saves things and he has to know her name to do that right?
   
2. I kind of hate hot tea. I just bought a lot for my office because these people LOVE tea. And I keep trying to get on the train. But I guess I'm not trying to hear that right now.
3. I'm have a love-hate, mostly hate relationship with Beyonce. And right now I am lovingly hating and hatingly loving her song Irreplaceable. She is very on point in this tune and I hove to stop hating for a second and give her mad props.
4. I weighed myself at the gym the other day and I've lost ten pounds! Meth isn't the way for everyone but it's getting me skinny just fine!!
5. I once had a FedEx guy who looked like Tiger Woods. His name was Alex and it always took me way to long to remember that when he show up for pick-ups.
6. My audio from the Playboy radio show from the other morning is online and I sound like a man who's been smoking for most of his middle-aged life. I mean, it was 730 in the morning.
   

note: I don't really use meth. I am just naturally lucky in thinness.

Ode to my new phone

Hello Sidekick.

I love you. And I want to thank you for coming into my life. Fuck the Blackberry Pearl. You, Sidekick, you are the one that I want.

I love that you are futuristic and modern. I love that you say to me, "new message" when I have a new message. I love that it took me two hours to figure out how to make calls on you. I don't mind that I have to carry you around in a case. I love how you make me look when I text while walking down the street. Thank for you having that beautiful full keyboard. And thank you so much for unlimited texting and email for only an extra $20 a month.

I promise to take care of you. I won't let you break like my iPods, my last computer, my video camera, and any other electronic device I've ever gotten my hands on. I won't throw you against the wall when you give me a text or a call I don't want. I know it's not your fault when people don't call me back.

And from this moment on, your name will not just be Sidekick.

I will call you Sam.

Sam, after the fish I loved so much sophomore through senior year of college. Sam, who was dead for two weeks before I realized she wasn't just playing around, but actually really dead.

I was a whore on the radio this morning

Just kidding.

But I did say that I'd fuck up to 9 guys in a 5 hour period if I was at a sex party. That could be considered whore-ish by people who don't like to have fun in their lives. I also let it be known that butt sex is ALWAYS a no.

Listen and read my little review at Dirtyspoke. I had to review a sex blog. I think I am very into sex blogs now. But no worries, all I'll mention about my sex life on this blog is that you SHOULD be jealous of it.

:)

Guess who just friend-requested me?

"Deborah G?" It couldn't be......could it?

It is!!! Debbie Gibson wants to be my friend!!!


So of course I added her.

And then I got this!




Are you SO jealous or just a little?

Happy MLK Day

Growing up, every MLK Day, a TV special about Dr. King as a youth came on WSB, the ABC affiliate in Atlanta. I loved this show. And I watched it every year. The memory that comes to mind concerning that particular special is from when I was maybe 7 or 8 and I got in trouble at dinner.

Dinner was a big deal at my house. We had to eat ALL of our food, no matter how disgusting and canned. Our plates were checked at the end of each meal. My brother and I always ate together in the dining room before my parents since my dad didn't get off til late. Every night my dad would come home with treats for us--whatever candy we were into at the time--Reese's, M&Ms, Kit Kats, Doritos--my parents loved shoving sugar and processed goods down our throats and we lapped it up, cavities be damned. We could eat our treats, but only after dinner was done. On this particular night--MLK Day night, my mother made liver.

I HATE LIVER. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED LIVER.

The worst thing is this woman KNOWS I hate liver. Yet once every few months, I'd smell that familiar sickening smell from the kitchen and my stomach would turn. You see, I was a very good kid. Never gave my parents any trouble. But there were a few foods that I absolutely abhor, liver and baked beans top this list.

The Boy King Tv special came on at 8 and Mom had already said that I could stay up and watch it after dinner. She sat the plate of vile disgustingness in front of me. My brother cried about everything so he started bawling about how much he hated liver as soon as she put the plate on the table.

She gave him an extra helping.

Then she left the kitchen to go to her room and read her book, leaving my brother and I will plates full of gross. "Ya'll eat up and then you can watch TV before you go to bed."

My brother was still sniffling. "I HATE this," he said.

"Me too. I'm not even hungry." I stabbed my fork into the liver and tore off a little piece. I put the sliminess into my mouth and immediately retched.

"I can't eat this. We have to throw it away."

My brother's eyes were wide. Since he was younger and more stupid, he was very bad at throwing his food away. He always got caught. He'd always put it right on top on he trash so dad could see it right away. I'd only managed to sneak my food into the trash a couple of times. My parents instilled fear in me early on and I knew what the consequence of throwing my food out was:

Mr. Good Belt. A leather belt that my dad never wore but one that whupped my ass at least ten times during my life before age 11.

"Ok look, Larry J," I said to my brother. "I'm going to get some paper towels. Eat your corn and green beans ok? And we'll stuff the liver into the paper towels and put them in the trash. Ok?"

He nodded eagerly and within 10 minutes our plates were clean and we were settled in our sleeping bags in front of the living room TV, ready to learn once again, how Dr. King grew into such a world leader and changed all our lives.

My dad came home halfway through the show. I heard him come in, talking to my mom, and then heading back to my brother and I.

"Ya'll eat already?" he asked. "I see your momma made liver."

"We already ate, Daddy," I replied, not taking my eyes off the TV. "We ate all our food."

And then my stupid little brother says, "Yeah, Daddy--we didn't throw nothing away."

I could have killed him. Why even place that thought in Dad's head? Dad went to the kitchen and my stomach dropped as I heard him open the pantry door. I'd really stuffed the paper towels full of liver to the bottom of the trash can. And then Dad came back to the living room. And two balled up paper towels were in his hands.

"You ate all of it?" he asked.

I was so pissed. The documentary only had half an hour to go and now I had to deal with this bullshit. I shoved my brother a little and was about to blame the whole thing on him when,

"Bran said we should throw it away! I didn't do it Daddy, she did it! She did it!!"

That little fucking jerk.

At this point Dad turned the TV off--the boy King was turning into the Dr. King and had just preached a sermon at Ebenezer Baptist.

"Rose! Bring me Mr. Good Belt!" he called to my mom.

"What did they do?" she called back. And in five seconds was at the door with the belt. "Did ya'll throw thta liver away?"

That's when I lost it.

"I HATE liver!! You know I hate it!! You always make it and you know I hate it! It makes me want to throw up Mom!! THROW UP!"

Larry J was bawling and still blaming me. Dad looked up both up and down and said,

"Y'all are each gonna get three licks. And then you're going to go back into the dining room and you're both going to eat your liver. Do you want to grow up healthy? Then you need to eat your dinner."

So we both got three licks and were sent back to the table. Where I stayed for another four hours eating tiny bit by tiny bit or liver. At midnight my dad came over to me and saw that I still had half the liver on my plate.

"Go to bed Bran," he said.

"I hate liver, Daddy."

"I know. Throw it out and go to bed."

I wish he'd come to his senses before my fucking show went off.

And in closing I'd like to take a moment to thank Dr. Martin Luther King for everything that he did. Without him, I would probably be lynched for this:

Good Weekend

I'm not off tomorrow but I'm not bitter.

Why? Because today I got a Sidekick and a gym membership. That's right. For the first time in my life, I don't just have the FREE shitty phone. I have a phone that's so fancy, I couldn't figure out how to make or receive calls for like an hour after I left the store. And I still think that there is more to find out. It plays music, it takes pictures with a flash, it has a keyboard and now I have UNLIMITED TEXTS. My world has just opened up.

And I joined a gym. Usually I am very against gyms--I get tired of working out. But today I went to a yoga class with Heather and after it was over, I decided that I should be a part of the gym. I should be working out. And the owner told me that I didn't have to pay everything all up front and everyone knows that I love installment plans!!

So now I belong to a gym and I have a fancy new phone. I am black and not off for MLK Day, but I'm in a good mood now so I won't remind anyone that without MLK, I probably wouldn't be able to serve on the staff of such an esteemed show as Flip This House.

I wish there was sound!!

But it's still super cute!


Cutie pies

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Happy Friday.

Enjoy this.

I'm such a good friend

All my friends always ask me for advice and
I'm really good at making them feel better.

Case in point:

It snowed today!!!

I left my apartment all bundled up because NY1's Weather on the 1s informed me that the temperature was 34 degrees. So I went out in full winter gear (which I have a love-hate relationship with--hate the cold but LOVE the cute winter accessories!) and froze a little on my way to the subway. I was lazy today and really into reading Angels and Demons, so instead of switching trains, I just stayed on the F and decided that it would be fine to walk from 6th Avenue to 9th Avenue when I got off because my book was kind of too engrossing to put down. Imagine my surprise when I came up out of the subway at Bryant Park and snow was falling. Like REALLY falling. Like I had to keep my head down while I walked.

I loved it.

You see, I love snow. I love snow because I grew up without snow. I come from a place where school is cancelled if there is even a threat of a flurry. I was disappointed time and time again in my youth when weathermen (Glenn Burns from WSB Channel 2 and Ken Burns from Atlanta's Fox 5 were the biggest culprits) promised me snow only to have it never appear. Or worse yet, it would melt and NOT stick. I am 25 and I can remember maybe 4 snow storms where we could actually go outside and build a snow man. And he was still just a little snow man.

So I love snow.
But only when it is white and pretty.
I hate brown dirty poor snow.

No one wants to play in that.

You know what?

"It's a full-time job being a girl."

--Kristyn, on the couch, watching Grandma's Boy

Maybe?

+





=

Shows, Shows, and more SHOWS

In case you didn't know, I'm popular. It's awesome and I love it. And I'd like to stay popular. So if you live in New York, you can help me out with this and come see my shows!! January is chock full of them. I decided to start 2007 off right.

First up

Studio 42 presents
Studio Sessions: Comedy
Laugh ‘till you choke on your beer!
Original monologues, sketches, spoken word, short films and stand-up from our favorite artists.

Thursday, January 11th 2007

Featuring work by: Clay McLeod Chapman, Darian Dauchan, Michael Feldman & Adam Laupus, Brandy Crawford, Laura von Holt and more.

@ galapagos art space
70 N. 6th Street - Williamsburg, Brooklyn
(L train to Bedford Ave., 1st stop in Bklyn)

Tickets are $10.


Then there's

WYSIWYG Talent Show
Wednesday, January 17th
8pm
Bowery Poetry Club
Featuring--
* Bob Powers (GirlsArePretty.com)
* Carolyn Castiglia (CarolynCastiglia.blogspot.com)
* Rives (ShopliftWindchimes.com)
* Josh Reynolds (JoshReynolds.blogspot.com)
* Brandy Crawford (BlogofBrandy.blogspot.com)

and then

SMUT
Featuring the girls of dirtyspoke
Monday January 22nd
8pm
Galapogos
70 N. 6th Street - Williamsburg, Brooklyn
(L train to Bedford Ave., 1st stop in Bklyn)

But wait there's more:


SEXYTIME!!
We're back Friday January 26th at 11pm at Mo Pitkins. Our line-up is top secret til next week so check here for details




Come see me!!!!

I'm so glad I'm not 12

Aren't you?



Once again Blogger is being a freak and I can't post pics.

It smells like gas outside.

And my co-workers are spouting conspiracy theory like we're in a darkened communist backroom at a bar in the seedy part of DC.

The temperature felt like late May instead of January this weekend. I just got my mind blown last night by Al Gore about global warming. And now New York City smells like gas. Oh and now there is a documentary about how 9/11 was an inside job.

Seems like we might be falling apart in 2007 guys.
(but at least it will be warm? I love warm!!)

And then I just had this conversation--Tim works at the Empire State Building.

I went to the zoo!

Some weekends are just fantastic.

Last night I watched An Inconvienent Truth so I know that it's not GREAT that it was 70 degrees in New York on Saturday, January 6th. But if global warming is going to kill me, I'd rather die in my flip flops with a sun-kissed glow you know?

So Saturday morning started for me at 10. Usually I sleep til at least noon on the weekends but I was sharing my bed with an early riser, so I was up and at 'em by 10:30. It was Justin's idea to go to the zoo and since I hadn't been in ten years or more and I'd never been to the one at Central Park, we went. I saw penguins and puffins and polar bears and sea lions and these ADORABLE monkeys and snakes. I forgot that animals are kind of REALLY COOL. Here's a picture tour of my Saturday trip to the zoo.

A quick glance at my butt and we're off!

At the zoo.

Look at these cute monkeys!!!

When was the last time YOU saw a polar bear.

They fed the sea lions and they did tricks!!

I fed this cow and it licked my hand and wrist.
I am so glad I never worked on a farm.

New friends.

We met in Reno back before I started stripping.

I saw Pan's Labyrinth Saturday night. It was good and beautiful and.....too long. Movies should be an hour and a half. Tops. Always.

iChat With A Vengence

Life is busy here in Flip This House world. But I still have time to chat.

I always have time to chat.

And let's all take a moment and say HOORAY:

Tim is back and iChatting away!!!

This following occurred after I told him I was going to need to make a good impression on some peeps at dinner Friday night.

I'M SO MAD

I am trying to post funny pics and blogger is being a FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!


So now I have to actually do work!!


God-damn it.

New Years Fun

Usually, next to St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve one of the most overrated holidays for me. There's always the mad rush to find something really awesome to do and then nothing awesome is ever going on because no one wants to pay bank to have a buffet and champage toast at a crowded club so I just end up at a bar or at a house thinking that once again, New Year's disappoints.

So a few years ago I dediced to stop trying to plan New Year's and instead just let it happen.

And I had a lot of fun this year. I went to a very fun party and danced a lot. Dancing a lot is a sure sign that Brandy Crawford is having a good time.

Here are some pics for you visual learners out there.

Warming up, before the party. HOT.

At the party.

Busting a move at the party.

Fun times at the party!

As I was looking through pictures to post, I noticed that I don't have any of myself from New Years. For shame Brandy. For shame.

So here's one of me and my cousins from Christmas. I'm really into how great my right boob looks.

I'm going to be in a fun show!!

Aren't I a good reason to come to Brooklyn?

Isn't this a LITTLE premature?

I mean, really.....it's only January 4th.

Let's give the 2007 a chance to start at least?

3 Years!

I've been in New York for three years! I left Georgia New Year's Day, 3 years ago and I drove the WHOLE WAY because my UHaul buddy/ex-boyfriend had his license taken away because of a speeding ticket.

I had only seen the apartment I was moving into once before. It was in "Park Slope," in this place called, "Brooklyn." Until then I'd really only seen the New York that lies off of the N/R line. Why? Because I always came up here to visit my best friend Chris and that was the only train he knew. "The N/R goes everywhere Brandy." I didn't even know there were other trains.

I had no job. I knew one person in the city. I was moving into an apartment that had no heat, housed two cats, and occupied the second and third floors of a lobster shipping company. I had moved up with a friend of a friend and she'd found us the apartment. We moved in with two guys--one worked at a big casting agency and the other was born and bred Brooklyn and also happened to be a big neighborhood drug dealer. He was skinny and cute and Latino and his girlfriend was a hippy Yoko Ono lookalike. So I didn't really know any of my roommates, but we all managed to co-exist very peacefully. And the $600 rent wasn't bad either.

The best thing about that apartment (besides the lack of heat during one of the coldest winters EVER) was that my TV was in my room and we had ALL THE CHANNELS. I had on-demand at my fingertips. It was amazing.

Around February of that year, I began to think that maybe moving to New York had been an awful idea. I was temping at a re-insurance company at the time and having to wear one of my two pairs of business-y pants every day. I'd never lived through such a cold winter and had no idea how to dress for it so I just put on a ton a layers and a huge coat. Which contributed to me fainting on the subway at least twice while it was going over the Manhattan Bridge. I went home in March for my birthday and decided that if things still sucked after I got back, I'd give it til the end of April and then I'd move back home.

The day I got back, I got hired at my first job. That night I went out to celebrate, and I met a guy, and for the first time since I moved to the city, I started dating someone. The end of April rolled around and I was moving into a brand new beautiful apartment in the real Park Slope and not the "Gowanus Rehabilitation Neighborhood" the first one had been in. I had met a newer guy and I'd started going to all these parties for work and taking along random friends I'd met and I realized that they weren't random friends, they were my friends.

So I decided to stay. And now it's been 3 years and I live in the city now and NOT Brooklyn (not that Brooklyn isn't.....ok.) And I still really like it. Even though my parents still think it's just a phase.

NEWS-FUH-LASH

I'm performing at two shows tomorrow so if you're around you should come out and see me!!



Chicks and Giggles
Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
bth 2nd and 3rd Sts
8PM
FREE


Check Your Cool
Parkside Lounge
corner of East Houston and Attorney Street
8pm
FREE w/one drink minimum

I'm going to be a Chicks and Giggles first and then heading over to Parkside.

Also, I am back in New York and on my own computer so I'll be posting some fun stuff soon!!