I love the History Channel

We're getting the History Channel right now and I'm currently semi-engrossed in a doc on Iran being the next Iraq. If there's one thing I never do, it's think about global politics. But I can't seem to turn this off. And I am learning SO MUCH.

Like.....

(please don't judge me--I'm just never into news)

1. Reagan funded Saddam Hussein back in the 80s. Reason 3,374 why he's sketch.
2. Now I know what Hezbollah is
3. Iranian leaders really hate us.
   
4. Tehran is in Iran. That's one of those places that I never really knew the exact location of.

Nuclear weapons freak me out so much that I can't really can't wrap my head around the concept. I should maybe just watch Sex and the City now and never think about war.


PS: I will never have to watch Sex and the City because next up on the History Channel is some show with MEATLOAF HOSTING!! (We're myspace friends).

My current favorite commercial

The 3 best things about this are:

1. The Asian kid got an F

2. Grandpa can't wait for Reese even though he was probably alive and kicking in China before Reeses Cups were even an idea.

3. It's true--the Reeses sundaes at Baskin Robbins are the fucking BOMB.

Some things in life are a constant

For me one of these constants is this:

Hearing the theme song to Beverly Hills 90210 always puts me in a good mood. I was never even into the show after the first season or two. But the theme song is just so FEEL GOOD.

Enjoy this.

What I like to feel

I love hot weather so much. I sweat like a fat pig but I never care because at least I'm not cold. I was born to walk barefoot and to wear only onesies. Its my destiny to never be athlethic but to love to bake in the sun. I can't tell you how much I adore feeling the scorching sun on my face.

Summer makes me miss Georgia. Because New York does get hot, but NYC doesn't do summer like where I come from. Sweet tea and lightning bugs and the smell of honeysuckle that grows in everyone's yard. My brother and I didn't have any neighborhood kids to play with during those long summer months because everyone on our street was pushing 60 so during the summers, Larry J and I became best friends. We planned our days according to the TV Guide and what was coming on HBO starting at 9am. We also called our mom every hour or so to ask permission for all sorts of things--"Can we have a cookie?" "Mom can we jump on the trampoline?" "Mom Larry J is chasing me with a knife again."

Wouldn't it be awesome is summer vacation was a universal Have-To. Like work just ends on May 31st and starts back up again after Labor Day.

I need that kind of structure in my life sometimes.

Google Earth

IS AMAZING.

I just wasted a good 20 minutes of work time for me and my co workers Google mapping everyone's apartment with this amazing new feature called "Street View"

What the fuck.

I saw MY apartment buidling--360 degree views of East 2nd Street---even that e coli infested pool across the street.

Technology is too much for me sometimes.

Reason 1,334 to hate Jordin Sparks

Thanks to TMZ for another STARTLING REVELATION.

Happy Tuesday

He sure is happy you dropped by.

Just had the best weekend ever.

I'll post pictures and more soon.

But I was an hour late for work this morning and there's a TV show to get made here.

Brandy please don't....

.....start watching episodes of Heroes online while you're at work. Yes, it's Friday and yes, you're leaving early, and yes, it's the start of a fantastically hot beautiful three-day weekend.

There are many reasons why you SHOULD watch Heroes from the beginning. You came in mid-season and so far you've only wikipedia'd the first episodes so of course you need to watch the first ones. You do need to know when Parkman first met Molly and it's only right for you to witness the first time Claire jumps off a bridge. It was so excited meeting Sylar the other night, you need to know his character's beginnings. All of this is true.

But your co-workers notice when your earphones are in and your face is glued to your computer screen. They realize that you must be watching something because you're never typing. You've now been sipping on the same warm Sunkist for an hour because you have yet to turn away from your desk. Your co-workers can see, Brandy. And wait--oh there's the owner of the company. Look busy already.

And now I'm writing to myself. I'm such a crazy bitch like that sometimes.

Watch the whole thing

I've never NOT liked Rosie O'Donnell. I'm not busting a nut trying to meet her but I would welcome a photo opp. But I want her to be my best friend now so we can both make Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry. I've never felt less sympathy for a pretty pregnant blonde.




Really though--she MUST be kidding. Everything that came out of her mouth was instantly FACTUALLY put down. Why does she continue to speak? I love that everyone has opinions and that we live in a place where we can voice what we feel, but I tend to change my opinions when everything about them is proven wrong and makes me look like an idiot.

Also--she was on Survivor. I mean REALLY. Give me a break.

Summer is here!!

I've waited so many long cold months for this.

Welcome 80 degrees at 11am.

Please stay awhile.

Heroes is FUCKING AMAZING

You read it right.

HEROES IS FUCKING AMAZING.

From Tim

I think of futons the way I think of injured puppies.

--Tim

The new face of VEGAN

Meat and dairy SUCK.

--Julie


NOTE: Julie is no longer a vegan.

Weekend fun

I know I should have taken more pics. But I never want to be That Person you know?

I'm so happy that digital cameras exist. But the other night at MSG for the Ricky Gervais show, I actually heard some one winding up a disposable. I can't even remember the last time I got film developed. But I digress.

Here's some pictures.

Boom.

TV people
(plus the guys from Maroon 5 who remembered coming to my karaoke night 5 years ago)


The hottest girls at the party. (2 seconds from a nipple flash)

I'm not even a huge Zach Braff fan.
But I LOVE awkward posed celeb pictures!!


Brandy, relaxing on a Sunday in her housepants with the remote and a Colt 45.

4 in the morning

It's 4am and I'm on my couch. My roommate is passed out beside me and I've just discovered that Home Improvement is what comes on TBS from 4-4:30 in the morning.

Tonight I went backstage at SNL. I watched the show from the writer's room. I went down to the stage and stood mere feet from Maroon 5 as they performed from their new album that I can't wait to buy.

I met Sylar from Heroes.

I talked to one of the guys from Maroon 5 and reminded him of the night I met all of them in Athens, Georgia. He remembered.

I told Amy Poehler she should start a dance party.

I waited for Zach Braff to come out of the bathroom and then immediately asked for a picture. However, I did not phrase my comment to him, "It's not that I'm a big fan or anything--I hate Scrubs, but you DID date Mandy Moore."


Will Arnett smiled at me.

Ivanka Trump is absolutely one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen and it's my one regret of the night that I never said, "Hi, your dress is fab."

I am the only person who knows who this girl is. I recognized her as soon I walked in to the party as Kristy from The Babysitters Club Movie and from another gem of a film called Snow Day.


I'll post pictures and more fun stories in the daytime. And ps--not only did I go to SNL and the afterparty--before I was seeing Ricky Gervais at Madison Square Garden. He is one of the funniest people alive and I wish I could just have him by my side at all times shooting off wanker jokes in that accent.

Life is good tonight.

My last post about Idol

I just read this and died.

This blogger has captured the essence of my feelings about Jordin Sparks so perfectly that I want to send him an email thanking him for reading my mind.

Berries and Cream

I just peed my pants a teeny bit laughing at that.

In case you were wondering...

.....I get the hiccups everyday at some point between 1 and 4pm.


Also I made myself into a Simpson's character



I'm just leaving out of Moe's in this pic. In my favorite hooker costume.

I love looking like a real working girl.

Don't lie to me about the free food.

Free food and drink are dealbreakers for me.

If you tell me there's free food, I'll come. If you tell me there's free alcohol, I'll come.

But please, please don't tell me there's free food and free alcohol and then only bring out two trays of many spring rolls to offer me with my glass of cheap merlot.

In other news, I got home last night and was very excited about watching the season finale of Grey's even though I am kind of over the show. I'd set my VCR (that's right--not DVR--VCR--the one with the tapes) and was looking forward to eating my sour cream and cheddar Ruffles while watching the crazy antics at Seattle Grace. I'd already been texted by several friends with message like "WTF" and "The last 10 minutes-OMG" and "What's that girl in?" I'd also just gotten off the phone with my boyfriend and he described the episode as "It's like when they kicked Melinda off. It's good. Especially the last 10 minutes."

WHAT?

I was so excited--I could even fast forward during the commercials.

So why am I blogging about it?

Because I set the timer to go off at 10:05 just to make sure I got everything even the credits because I am unnecessarily anal sometimes.

Last night's episode ran until 10:15.

I MISSED THE LAST TEN MINUTES.

PS: On the bright side--it's Friday!

Some advice

Always use lube.

Even if you think you don't need it.

For all you smokers out there

What happens to the drugs cops confiscate?





Serves him right!

I never want to talk about it

Melinda got the boot last night.

Clearly she's the best singer to grace American Idol's stage this year. And now she's going home. And that huge monster of a girl Jordin may win.

I'm over it. America got it wrong and I'm done with these stupid voting shows.

For real this time.

A note to white girls from Brandy

Please do society a favor this summer.

Stop it with the black thongs under white shorts, white pants, and/or white skirts.

Everyone can see your thong and it looks like shit.

I may have to sit through you wailing on about how tan you aren't but I'm most definitely sick of having to see your pasty white ass and the ill-fitting black thong wedged in there.

You're white. White people can't wear black undergarments with white clothes.

I'm sick of looking at it.

And next time, I'm going to say something.

Dyslexia

When I first looked at this, I thought it read "fart."

Unsettling.

Have a read.

In case you were wondering...

....last night in my dream I had a really long and interesting conversation with Britney Spears' mom, Lynne. We were talking about France in September.


I've never been to France.

Something else fucked up in the city

From today's Post:

This happened. That is INSANE.

How crazy does one have to be to ever think that slavery is okay, that locking someone in a 6 square foot space and make them eat chili peppers is acceptable?

Peppers should be stuffed down Cruella's throat.


A slave mistress. WTF.

Hot interns

First watch this:





My post has nothing to do with it but I thought you should see it.

School's out.

What does this mean for me? NEW INTERNS.

I got a glimpse of one of the new ones earlier today.

Why oh why do rising college seniors have to be so damn cute? Don't worry--I know the rules. And I have a fantastic boyfriend anyway. But I still like to look and be reminded of 5 years ago when I was 21. Those sweet memories of a time before I had sex. Back when I was an Everything But Slut.

Ok I admit it--I was a big fat virgin until age 21. (Actually I was a tall skinny one). At age 18 I could suck the chrome of a fender and I could have lost it several times beginning at age 14, but I always said no and usually at the last minute. Then one day in the summer of 2002, I was like "What am I waiting for" and informed the guy I'd been dating for a couple of weeks that he was the one. We did it and it was awesome and we stopped seeing each other soon after because I'd just discovered that sex was amazing and wasn't trying to just be having it with the same person.

But I digress. Summer interns are on the way.

I will never do another transcript again.

PS: Jerry Falwell died today. That's about as much of an acknowledgment as I can muster for this one.

Ummm....no.

Here's the thing--I don't want my kid to have my jewelry in her mouth AT ALL. So why would I buy accessories that could be so easily slobbered and sucked on? Also it's not pretty or practical. And contrary to what this ad says, I personally think that only dumb moms would waste money on this. The same moms who believe that discipline involves the phrase, "Mommy feels upset when you do that. Please stop."

Kids need boundaries people.

Don't make your jewelry easier for them to chew on.

Tell them that wild animals chew on things, not human children.

Currently.....

.....I have a mosquito bite on my arm that's the size of a baby chimp's ass. There's also one on my wrist as well as conveniently located where my right butt cheek meets my right thigh. That makes for fun itching. This pic doesn't really do my arm justice because my phone has a shitty camera. But rest assured, I have had many people take a feel the past couple of days and I never get tired of the looks of utter repulsion when an unsuspecting friend runs a finger down my forearm. If I had a nickel for every "WHAT THE FUCK, BRANDY?", I'd go get an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins.

If there is a mosquito or an ant or anything that likes to bite in the area, it will bite me.

And it will leave a huge softball sized lump on my person for 2 to 3 itch-filled days. I have the luck to not be allergic to anything but bugs bite me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I never want to talk about the time I lived in the house in Athens on Vine Street and we ended up with fleas from the fucking possums that hung out underneath the back porch.

This guy saw me mid-wipe.

The one in the jacket.

He saw me mid-wipe in the bathroom at Heather Fink's fabulous roof party Friday night.

Not only did he see me mid-wipe, he also saw me fumbling through the dark on the bathroom floor looking for my safety pin for my shorts which had been in my mouth but fell out when I screamed in surprise as he mistakenly opened the door.

Help!

I can't stop watching The Real Housewives of Orange County!!!

I don't have cable but Bravo is coming in marvelously this weekend and after a failed attempt to watch another scratched Netflix, I happened upon this travesty of a reality docu-soap and I can't turn away. (PS: This little bitch on this stupid show just got a fucking horse and a really awesome cell phone for her 9th birthday.)

Luckily I am the master of multi-tasking so I've pulled out a shoebox full of CDs that haven't seen the light of day since 2002, and I'm finally getting around to putting all the songs that bring back college on my iPod.

Also, this is another bright note.

Friday Thoughts

Umm.....cute?

Christos is going to Bonneroo

Never in a million years would one ever find Brandy Crawford at a music festival. I don't really do concerts unless there are lots of fireworks and dancing involved. You would think that I would love the whole outdoor hippie concert thing seeing that I love the "perks"....but wait, hippies are only slightly less annoying that hipsters.

But if there's one person who could get me to a festival like Bonneroo or Burning Man, it's Christos. He has moved to Williamsburg so I don't see him near as much as I would love to. And now he's heading to Bonneroo WITH A MEDIA PASS!!!! He gets to interview all his favorite indie rockers and will basically be having the time of his life for a weekend. He moonlights as a music reporter and you can read one of his current interviews here.


Doesn't this look like the face of a man who's about to have the time of his life surrounded by "natural folk" in Tennessee?

Current Quasi-Obsessions

• Helen Mirren's portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II
  
• Working out my abs
• 80 degree temperatures
• winning the lottery
  

Sometimes

Sometimes I vom a little in my mouth when I make the mistake of looking at an old obsession's myspace page and see all off the sickly sweet comments his wife leaves for him. They all say something along the lines of "I love you so much!" or "I can't wait to see your cute face!"

I hope they stay together forever.


PS: I am never bitter. Besides, if I'd been the woman I am now and actually made a move on that guy I wouldn't know Justin now right? There's a reason for everything.

PPS: But I still vom a little in mouth at the comments.

Great quotes

Since I got my Sidekick, I've been using the "notes" feature to jot down bits and pieces of hilarity when the opportunity knocks. I'm going back through some of these notes right now and there are some quotes I'd like to share with you in no particular order and I have no idea which ones were mine and which ones were funny quotes from friends. In any case, enjoy.

"Vaginas are like warm cake."

"I love watching fat girls fight."

"I like mine moist."

"There's just pictures of her deep-throating his gorgeous cock."

"True Religions DO NOT work for all asses."

"In my heaven, celebs do online dating."

"Because it's snatching season."

What do they have in common?

This weekend they were all at the Kentucky Derby.

The thought of the Queen of England in Kentucky rubbing elbows with two of our nation's finest examples of what I never want to marry makes me laugh inside.

Internet dating.

First you have to read this.



Specifically this,



this,


and this.

All I Want Right Now

All I want right now is to belt out Fergie's "Glamorous" at the top of my lungs.

A few things are preventing me from acting on this impulse:

• I'm still at work and I'm not sure how a sudden musical outburst would be received
  
• I don't really know all the words and nothing is more annoying than someone singing a song and not knowing all the words.
  
• I don't know how my co-workers feel about Fergie and I don't want to offend.
  

I LIVE for this

May it be the first of many.

Line of the Week

My boyfriend and I were sucked into a Barbara Walters special on transgender little kids. It was the saddest thing I've every seen and Babs was MILKING IT. These kids were breaking down in front of her crying about everything and she just kept sticking the knife further in: "But what do you think about your penis? You think its wrong don't you?"

And I don't even remember who said it but somehow I hear,

"Barbara Walters feasts on the blood of trannie children."

PS: Justin said it. It was his great quote.

This was on my TV last night

I don't have cable.

But sometimes we get little gems like this on channel 99.

It's beautiful outside

New York in the spring is really something else.

Today I enjoyed McDonalds in Bryant Park with Justin and Jim. Bryant Park is one of my favorite places in the city. It's behind the big public library on 5th Avenue and since childhood, libraries have been up there as far as places I love to go are concerned. One of my favorite perks of being a grown-up is that I can go to the library whenever I want and get as many books as I want. As I child I was limited to 3 at a time and I could only go to the library on Wednesdays because they were open til 8 instead of 6 and my mom could drive me over after she got home from work. But now every book is mine for the taking. Its time like these that I LOVE being 26.

If you are really my friend

.....you will find a way to get this pearl for me.

Everyone was bored at work today

My favorites are numbers 5 and 10.

Just so you know (and because everyone else already does):

Melamine is an organic base with the chemical formula C₃H₆N₆, with the IUPAC name 1,3,5-triazine-2,4,6-triamine. It is only slightly soluble in water.