Just so you know...

The news of what's happening in Pakistan really scares me.

Today at the eye doctor

This morning I went to the eye doctor at Wal-Mart. I'm one of the many without vision insurance so I feel $80 a year to get my contact lens annual is but a small price to pay.

I was the first appointment and everything was going smoothly and normally right up until the end when the nurse was checking me out. We sat across from each other at this little table. She had my file in front of her and was beginning to type in information from my charts. She was pretty, a dyed blonde Latina, maybe in her early 40s, no name tag. She was slowly punching in my name and address and she says to me,

"You good typer?"

My eyes were really dilated at this point and she was sitting fairly close to me so all I saw was a tan blob and white flashes of teeth when she smiled.

"Oh no--I'm pretty bad," I replied. "I have to look at the keyboard or I start messing up."

"Oh, Brandy," she said, rolling the r and making my name sound like an exotic isle. "You need to be good typer. If I could go back, I would just learn everything. Just everything. Okay, you are Brandy with y. I get program for my computer and I try to learn now but it's hard now. So I type like tap-tap-tap. Not good. In my home country I am nurse, and I have skills. Your address is 264 right? Skills like here would pay $35 an hour. But here, this place," (gesturing to the office) "they not pay so much. But it's a job you know? Ok, and what's your phone? You so young, make sure you learn everything. You don't need mens. Mens only want to put you down. My husband? He pays bills, he take care of me. But he don't appreciate me and my skills. Who I am. So don't depend on mens. You need it, you get it, okay? Now I print your receipt and you come over here and we check you out okay?"

"Okay. Thanks." What else could I really say?

My phone was underneath my purse and when we stood to go over to he checkout counter, she saw it.

"That is the Sidekick right? My son has that but the screen is broken--I want to buy it new. Are you selling?"

"Oh--actually, I'm not. I still use it." I smiled as if to say, If only you caught me on a different day when I WAS thinking about selling my cell phone.

"Okay but if you want to sell, you can come back and see me. You total is $88."


I still didn't get her name.

Christmas Highlights

Christmas 2007 was one to be remembered. I broke my digital camera at a skating rink today. I'm trying not to think about it right now but that's why there's a lack of pictures in this post.


I saw the movie This Christmas a few weekends ago. It was quite possibly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I thought it was corny and kind of really offensive. It's a black family comedy about a family coming home for Christmas. Loretta Devine is the matriarch but somehow all of her children with the exception of Regina King, look like Puerto Rican with a splash of Welsh. One of my biggest problems with the movie is that this family did a soul train line at least 3 times. As if every black family does a soul train line at family gatherings.

I was explaining to my mom and aunt this very problem with the movie when suddenly from the other room, one of my other aunts starts blaring the stereo and shouts,

"Come on y'all!! It's time for the soul train line!!!"

Stereotypes start somewhere I guess.

***

The little love of my life, Kailyn, is 6 now and she's missing a couple of front teeth. Somehow she's become ultra sensitive and while we were taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree she got it into her head that the whole family was making fun of her lack of teeth. So of course she started crying. I took her into another room and explained that no one was making fun of her and that all she has to do is look in the mirror to see how beautiful she is. Somehow this sets her off on a tearful tangent about our cousin Jessica and I'm still not sure why. She says,

"And Jessica just thinks she's SO FABULOUS! She's always walking around like she's the prettiest girl in the family. She always thinking she can sing and that she's so fabulous!"

I was trying not to laugh but managed to say, "Kailyn don't even worry about Jessica. She can't think she's too fabulous with that muffin-top opf hers."

I then had to explain what muffin top was and her eyes lit up at the explaination.

So Kailyn runs into the living room and goes up to Jessica, who's sitting on the couch.

"Jessica, next time you want to make fun of somebody being snaggletoofed, you needa remember that you got all that MUFFIN SIDE so you can just shut up!"

***

I have a cousin named Kyndal. She's 6 and she talks like I did and do now--very properly. This "white voice" has often been frowned and puzzled upon in my family for years. Kyndal and I grew (and are growing in her case) up right along side our other cousins and they didn't get the voice. But anyway--she sounds super cute when she talks and she definitely uses words to get her point across, unlike my little niece Amme who is 3 but still uses grunts and whines to let people know what's up. At one point, the family was playing Guesstures in the living room. i was in one of the bedrooms on the phone and Kyndal comes in crying, "They think that I'm to young to participate in a game of charades. But I'm not too young. I'm 6!"

Kyndal's shining moment was, I have to admit, during the soul train line. It was her turn to boogie on down and at first she was hesitant and it was obvious she ad never danced in front of people before. She flailed her arms a little, shook one leg, bopped her head.

And then she went insane.

It was like the music hit her and she discovered how awesome dancing is. She was all over the place, just shaking it like she was never going to shake it again. We had to tell her to get off the dance floor and let someone else come down the line.

***

Speaking of dancing, my little niece Amme (pronounced Amy) loves to dance and loves to model. I've seen her when she doesn't know anyone is around just prancing around in those little girl plastic high heeled slippers like she's going down a runway and moving to the music. If a song that she likes comes on, she drops whatever she is doing to dance. Her dancing is hilarious. As one of my aunts put it, "Do you think she's going to grow up and be a stripper? Look at those moves!" Amme was wearing a little satin dress with a ribbon that wrapped around it and she was currently pulling her dress up her legs and shimmying with the ribbon. This lead to a VERY stripperific butt shake and she ended her routine with a few of those classic"Sexy hands on the face and neck" deals.

She's 3.

***

We had Christmas at my mom's sister's place and when we got there my aunt had her best friend and "godchildren" over. Well one of these godchildren made off with about $30 from me and my cousin's purses. Who steals at Christmas? And who steals $5?? There was a random 5 in the side pocket of my purse. She took it. My cousin Jessica got a 10 ripped from her purse, my cousin Jasmine, $9, and my cousin Chasity, $10. We discovered the thefts a couple of hours after they left, my poor cousin Jasmine was crying over it--she had taken out that $9 to buy diapers for her baby and that little bitch of a godchild TOOK IT. My aunt called her friend on it and the friend hung up on her.

They are NOT invited back next year but I secretly hope they come. If there's one thing my family is superb at, it's holding a grudge.

***

Today I took Kailyn rollerskating. We went to a rink in the town over from my house and it cost $3 for us to get in and for me to get skates. We walked in and memories of the many childhood birthday parties and school skate nights that I'd experienced at that rink came flooding back, the most memorable being when I skated right into a wall in front of my middle school crush and my nose bled.

Kailyn got mad at me twice. Once when I wouldn't give her any more money for tokens because she was WASTING them in one of those "try and NEVER win a stuffed animal and/or nasty gold charm bracelet" machines. She came to tears because I threatened to leave if she didn't wipe that frown off her face. I even went as far as taking our shoes out of the locker. I found myself channeling my own mother as I said, "Do you think I'm made of money Kailyn? That I just have it to waste away on those games? Didn't I give you money for tokens? Didn't I tell you once those were gone you were done?"

She got mad at me again because I made her skate in the middle of the rink with the other little kids so she wouldn't get run down by the rollerblade punks pretending like the whole rink belonged to them personally. "But I'm not little!" she kept saying.

This is after she was bragging to to me and my friend Donovan at lunch that she only weighs 44 pounds.

Only when you're 6 is it ok to brag about weighing 44 pounds.

***

That's been Christmas so far.

Judge if you must

But I kind of want to see this. And by kind of I mean I'd probably like to be there on opening night.

It's almost Christmas

Isn't that wonderful?

I am off for two weeks and I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself. Heading to Georgia for a week and then I'll be in the city for a week. A WHOLE WEEK.

Heaven.

So last Friday I went to Jingle Ball. For those of you who DON'T know what that is, its a big concert that Z100, the NYC top pop station throws and it features the currents pop flavors of the month. My boyfriend is amazing and got us tickets to this year's concert at Madison Square Garden. So it was my first time at MSG AND I saw the following:

Avril Lavigne
Alicia Keys
Jordin Sparks
Colbie Caillat
Fall Out Boy
The Jonas Brothers

and

THE BACKSTREET BOYS.

I was standing in line for the bathroom and I heard the opening of I Want It That Way.

I DIED.

Every girl in line started screaming and my new little 13 year old was like "I LOVE THIS SONG!!" I thought to myself, You were 5 when this came out.

Avril Lavigne was fantastic. I know a lot of people hate on her but I've loved her since I saw the video for Complicated and I have her first two albums ON CD. She put on a great show and reminded me how great a song Sk8ter Boi is.

I love pop music. And how awesome is it that my boyfriend enjoyed the show just as much as I did? I used to have a list of what I looked for in a man, and an appreciation of pop music was very high up on that list. People who hate on Avril and The Jonas Brothers can kiss my ass. I am very accepting of all kinds of music and it really pisses me off when people make split second judgments because they find out I like Maroon 5 and Justin Timberlake. I don't have a problem with Beirut or MIA or Regina Spektor and the like. In fact, I like them too. I have an all around LOVE of music and if it sounds good I'm into it, be it Radar by Britney Spears or Intervention by Arcade Fire.

I get heated about my music sometimes.

Here are some pictures.

Note how awesome my camera is with inside shots.

4.1 megapixels of L-O-V-E.

Avril Lavigne

Alicia Keys- (squint--she's in green)

Justin seeing Alicia Keys

Colbie Caillat
(she only got to sing her one popular song)

Pop music lovers.

PS in case you were wondering: The Jonas Brothers are today's Hanson. The girls at MSG WENT WILD for these boys. They closed the show and I thought maybe a dozen or so twelve year olds were going to die from excitement. But look at them--how can one NOT love?

They're the definition of innocuous.

I WENT TO JINGLE BALL 2007

And I'm standing by this statement:

Avril Lavigne is a GREAT PERFORMER.


Pics and fun commentary to follow.

Crowned. We have a winner.

Um.....ok. The CW has this new show called Crowned. Mother-daughter pairs compete in a pageant and the best part of the show is the end. The loser has to be "de-sashed." So one of the bottom two teams has to take these fancy bejeweled scissors and cut the sashes off the loser. The challenges are THE BEST. The entire episode was centered on the contestants picking a team name and outfits to represent that name--the goal was to give the best first impression to the judges. I can't explain the hilarity of this. You'll have to Youtube it.


It's insanely addicting.


The mother-daughter pairs are something else. I know that one pair shares and eating disorder. The daughter is so hyped up off of lack of food and caffeine pills that she can't stop talking when the judges say something to her.

Crowned, Gossip Girl and then Project Runway. Wednesday nights are awesome.

The line I'd one day like to utter in sincerity

"Does it involve treasure?"

Wishbone

I'm losing my shit a little bit right now because I'm sitting on my couch, sick and watching glorious cable and Wishbone is on!!

Perhaps you remember this little show from the mid 90s about a cute little Jack Russell terrier with a big imagination who likes to pretend he's the lead character in lots of different literary classics. The episode that's on right now has him being D'artagnan in the Three Muskateers. The best thing is that his mouth never moves when he talks--he's like Garfield. And he's so CUTE. He even has a little mustache if you can believe it.



It's the week before the week before Christmas and I have this lingering nasty cold that's got me being that annoying cough-sniffer on the subway. I try with almost inhumane strength NOT to sniffle until the train doors open and are louder than my snotty sniffs. I leave for Georgia on Christmas Eve and it seems as though every night between now and then, Brandy's booked. Last night I got to tag along to an AIDS benefit where Vanessa Carlton played. I'm not ashamed to admit that I own her first CD. And thanks to the giftbag last night her second one as well. (In case you're still scratching your head, she's got the 1000 miles song--the one with all the piano that used to be all over the WB circa 2002). The benefit was at an art gallery in the far West Village. I knew I'd stepped out of my class when I noticed that every other woman who passed by me was wearing a different and incredibly adorable pair of Christian Louboutins. We walked in and the guy running the list was like, "The art is around the corner and you can bid (one long gaze up and down at my glaringly obvious payless boots and both Becky's and I's lack of a Fendi tote)....actually the bar's right there."

It actually turned out to be a really fun party. Vanessa Carlton performed and was fantastic and the champagne was flowing freely. And there were giftbags. Sponsored by InStyle Magazine giftbags. Becky and I were lamenting on the lack of people there we actually wanted to hold a conversation with and suddenly two Fun Guys appeared in front of us. One was Dutch and a spitting image of that British guy character on Family Guy. I figured both of them for being gay so we felt it was fine to go for an after party drink at a bar nearby. They take us to the Spotted Pig and on the walk over we realize that they are definitely straight and definitely drunk. But halfway through one beer at the bar they realized they had no chance with either of us. Quagmire immediately retired to the other room and when I looked over he was surrounded by 4 blondes who'd seemingly appeared out of nowhere. The other guy stayed and talked and I was impressed that he didn't press us for anything other than conversation. He did give my friend an awkward pat on the head as we left that I found quite hilarious.

I should really be staying in tonight since I feel like walking death. But it's Christmas and maybe it will be fun.

I love scrabulous

But I do not love freakshow guys who host tables with and have requests like the one below.

Seriously?

It's computer SCRABBLE and you want me to be naughty? How exactly do I pull that off with only seven letters at a time? And can I just tell you I'm busty? Will you play better knowing that a big breasted nasty girl is trying to get a triple word bingo?

I used to be so obsessed with just playing whoever whenever but now I feel like I a game is being equated to a first cyber one night stand and I'm not into that.

I just want to spell.

My breasts need not enter the picture.

Dan from Gossip Girl

Men of the world take note.

Dan Humphrey is amazing.

He is by far one of my favorite television characters EVER.

Every man alive can take a page out of his book.

BE HIM.

The Young and The Innocent

There were a lot of things I didn't know about until college. Until I reached my 20s, I was really naive. Looking back, it's a little embarrassing. I was probably one of the last truly innocent kids. I didn't have sex until I was 21 not because I was saving myself for marriage, but because until I started my freshman year at UGA, I had no idea that people my age really had sex. I know that it sounds hard to believe. I watched a ton of TV and movies and I knew what sex was. But I also saw TV as being all fake and that people in real life didn't do those sorts of things. My life and what I did was always so removed from what I saw or read in the media, or at least it was in my mind then.

I didn't know a Jewish person until freshman year. She was my roommate and the person who told me about Jews and Jesus. Once again, I know its hard to believe but it just never crossed my mind that someone could not believe in Jesus. Not because I thought that not believing in him is wrong but because I never knew I had the option. Jesus and his way were shoved down my throat from birth. Imagine my surprise when I learned that there are a LOT of people who don't believe in Jesus. And that it was okay and you wouldn't get sent straight to hell. My entire view of religion got turned upside down and its one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I look back on my youth and it's amazing just how sheltered I was without knowing it. I don't even think my parents realized--they were teaching my brother and I what they knew. And what they knew was Henry County, Georgia.

Dave Chappelle has a bit that I completely identify with.

I definitely only knew about grape drink.

I still am never into juice.

Christmastime is here

Last weekend it snowed and I got a tree.

This is the first year for me having a big tree and not a Charlie Brown tree.

It feels good.

I'm a grown up woman buying a grown up tree.

Tonight

Is my company's holiday party.

Everyone in my office is dressed very snazzy right now because the party is right after work.

I will be wearing a sequined dress, a Santa hat, and at some point in the evening a gin and tonic.

Holiday parties are the best and I've already been to three since last week.

What exactly ARE topless sandals?

Exactly what they sound like.

Thanks to Gmail for deciding that I'd find this interesting.



Gmail was right.