How could my Monday get any better?

This is just what I needed to see as I settle in for a long Monday.

I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!!

I will be first in line for tickets. Joey McIntyre was the stuff my 3rd grade dreams were made of. I used to pray for their tour bus to break down in my town so that they would have to sleep over at my house and Joey and I would have to share a room. It's so fucked up to think about that now--Joey McIntyre would have been crazy to even entertain the thought of sharing an eight-year-old's bed but......a girl could dream. In 4th grade one of my best friends convinced me that the way to Joey's heart would be a love potion which she would concoct. I'd just have to slip it into his drink--probably during one of the many times that I was hanging with the New Kids one on one.

This same girl also promised me the alluring job of being her agent when she went to LA to guest star on The Cosby Show.

I mean--YUCK.

I can't stop laughing.

And I want to pass on this nightmare inducing pic on to you.

Thanks for reading friends.


:)

The Perils of Pop-tartdom

Why do folks gots to be hating on Hannah Montana?

True she's completely annoying, the show makes me ashamed for the face of preteen comedy and her singing voice is hard even on my pop music loving ears, but really--a suicide bombing plot to rid the world of her warbling chipmunk voice?


Suicide bombing? Is this teenage trying to die for his beliefs? Perhaps he's a young Iraqi prepared to sacrifice himself to Allah? Or maybe an Israeli soldier ready to die for his country?

Actually.....



My friend Tim had this to say



Why do folks gots to be hating on Hannah Montana? Let's put aside the fact that she's 14 and making millions of performing sold out concerts as a fictional character.

True she's completely annoying, the show makes me ashamed for the face of preteen comedy and her singing voice is hard even on my pop music loving ears, but really--a suicide bombing plot to rid the world of her warbling chipmunk voice?

I mean I think Keira Knightley is hell on earth but for me personally, it's a little too much trouble to arrange the whole "take over a plane and crash it into a celebrity" deal.

Made me smile

Googly eyes on anything puts me in a good mood.

I can't get this song out of my head

So I'm passing it on to you!!

Also--just because I used to honestly think that the Keatons lived down the street from me here's this:




I love how they get painted in!!

All I really wanted for so long was to be on a sitcom so that I could be in an opening with a theme song.

This makes me sick

It's so ridiculous that I can't even believe it. I had to find out more about this "church" and their website and their wikipedia page make me NEVER WANT TO KNOW MORE.

Heath Ledger was just found dead.

And I'm feeling really affected.

I'm gchatting away and my coworker tells me. I then say "whatever" and google newsed it.

Nothing.

Then I TMZ'd it.

Found dead in Soho with pills near his body.

Until now my only thoughts about Heath Ledger were like "he's hot" and "I love 10 Things I Hate About You". And now he's dead and I'm sad like I knew him. I am really beginning to hate this celebrity culture that I can't stop feeding into.

About 3 or so years ago I stalked Heath Ledger for about four blocks down West 10th Street. He was walking by himself and I saw him turn down 10th from 5th Avenue as I was walking home from work. I immediately switched directions and even though I live on the east side of the city, I walked about 20 minutes out of my way so that I could follow him and perhaps accidentally run into him.

He walked into an apartment building and foiled my plan but he did pause for a minute before walking in and I kind of caught up with him. He was taking his phone out of his pocket and as I passed by him, I slowed up and willed him to look my way.

He didn't--he just put his phone back in his pocket and walked into the lobby of the building. But I like to think that as I slowly passed him by I could smell a whiff of expensive shampoo.

I did always like his hair.

The Giants are going to the Super Bowl

And I care.

I've been a Giants fan for about 3 weeks now. I've never been so into football but they've been playing some pretty good games and I've become hooked. This may be the first year that I actually watch the game during the Super Bowl. The Australian Open has also been a fixture on the TV this weekend. I played on the tennis team in high school. My coach discovered early on that I would never be an asset to the team, but she was a nice woman and let me stay on the team and play only in matches that didn't count.

Oprah is getting her own channel and its taking over my favorite channel, Discovery Health. Where will I see the documentaries on giants and dwarves that I love? And all the specials on multiples births and families with 13 kids? Discovery Health, along with the National Geographic Channel are my biggest bonuses of cable. I mean, right now I'm watching hippos and crocodiles battle it out for a dead antelope covered in carrion beetles.

Nature shows never fail to make me realize that the wild is just no place for me personally. And did you know that newborn hippos weigh 80 pounds?

Why is it that I love baby animals so much??

Quote of my night

"You better keep your dads away from me
because I'll hit it."

--Christos,
in my kitchen on a
Wednesday night
before Runway

Do you need a couch? Do you like vaginas?

Personally I can't think of anything better than curling up with my boyfriend in front of the tv stuffed in a big pink vagina couch.

It's for sale in San Fran.

I too hate clowns

And I'm glad to see that my fear is universal.

I saw the movie It when I was nine. It was back in the good old days of the early 90s when ABC would have a big Stephen King miniseries every spring (remember The Stand with Molly Ringwald? The Tommyknockers with Jimmy Smits) I watched It and was so scared that I didn't sleep by myself for two years. I set up camp in my brother's top bunk even though he was only 6 and couldn't do too much if a killer clown came our way. I was terrified to take a bath without my mother in the next room, ready to protect him if I happened to see blood spurting from our drains. I used to have this recurring dream where I'd be at my aunt's house, standing in her carport, and Pennywise (the scariest fucking clown you will ever meet) would drive past in a little yellow truck. He always slowed down right before he got to my aunt's driveway and he would turn his head to smile at me with a mouth full of rotted brown teeth.

Whenever I think that maybe it was weird that I didn't like to sleep alone in those formative pre-preteen years, I remember that dream.

My favorite quote from this article:

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

TRUE THAT.

I love you Bravo!!

I was so sad because The Real Housewives of Orange County's new season is about to come to an end. I'm openly obsessed with this show. The women are really something else and I have to watch to just to see if maybe they will show real emotion at least once.

Then today I see this:

THANK YOU BRAVO!!!

I'm watching American Gladiators

....but that's not the point.

The point is that there's a contestant on tonight's show who is making me and my comrades laugh. His name is Jeff but you can call him "Big Country." He's from Tennessee and after every event he's got something great to say to Hulk Hogan in the post-event interview:

"Well, I dunno Hulk, I just ran like I was stealin' somethin'"

"I just imagined that my ma was comin' at me with a belt and I had to climb up a tree"

"It wadn't nothin' no harder than hog rasslin' at the fair."

And let's not forget Adonis, Big Country's normal-person competitor. "I'm agile, man! Agile like a mongoose!"

I thought for sure we'd be turning the channel after the first commercial break but how can I turn away from a show that features someone named Mayhem? And a commetator who actually says, "How do you get a deep inner thigh bruise?"

My favorite Gladiator is Wolf. I love Wolf because before competing against Big Country he told him,

"I smell fear, I smell blood and I'm gonna eat you."

PS: Writers please come back. I need TV and I'll watch ANYTHING that's on. HELP ME.

You can't make this stuff up.

You can read the whole story here.

And then take a long hard look at your significant other.

Daily Dose of Creepy

I mean there's a PornTube so it's only natural those evangelicals would learn how to post videos too. Damn the internet for being so simple to use!

Also, just so you know (this might be a Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture question after become famous): I used to be able to recite the names every book of in the bible in order as well as Psalm 23 in its entirety.

This is what happens when you force your overachieving daughter to go the Bible study and Sunday school every week and her fierce competitive nature makes her feel the need to blow everyone else in the class away.

Mitchum Man

My dad and brother love Mitchum deodorant. My dad has been a fan since before I was born and he got my brother into it when the young one started sweating like a man.

Mitchum is supposed to be this great product that makes you not sweat. You feel nice and free and smelling good when you have it on. My dad tried to convince me of its might but I tried it and I'm a) not into roll-ons and b) not into how it smells. My brother became a Mitchum man sometime around 2001 when he was 15 or so. He liked it so much that he stopped showering for awhile.

My mother approached him about this.

"Larry J," she said, "When was the last time you bathed?"

"Ma--I don't smell. I'm using Mitchum."

My mom gave him the look she gives when she doesn't quite know what to say (which is not very often.) She paused for a long minute before continuing.

"Larry J. When was the last time you bathed?" Pause. "Unless you say 'this morning, Mama,' you need to get your ass in the tub."

As a side note, I really hated getting in the bath until I was nearing late pre-teendom. My parents had to drag me to the tub.

I think it's because I really hate being wet.

It's 9:30

I'm back at work but no one is here yet. This makes me wonder if perhaps I missed a memo saying that we didn't have to come back today.

Christmas break was great. Having time off does nothing but make me incredibly lazy. I watched so much wonderful television. Also, the knitting bug has hit me again. It first struck when I was 20 and I spent the summer of 2001 knitting a blanket. It's back and over my 2 week vacation I made 3 hats and 2 and a half pairs of arm warmers. I'm telling you there's nothing better than settling into my favorite chair with my needles and yarn while I watch Discovery Health.

Thing #253748 about Brandy Crawford you maybe didn't know:

I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES ON MULITPLE BIRTHS AND/OR SIAMESE TWINS.

Seriously.

Happy New Year

I'm trying to start 2008 off right. No more unrealistic expectations. Just real things that I can really get done.

I've got the usual "get in shape", "eat right", blah blah blah resolutions. But this year, Brandy Crawford is going to have a new motto.

RAPE THE HIPPO

For me 2008 is going to be all about raping the hippo. I'm going to go all out and really DO IT. I want to write this preteen book. 2008 I'm going to get it done. I need to get out of debt. By end of summer 2008 all I'll owe is student loans. For those of you who don't know, raping a hippo is probably one of the hardest and most dangerous activities one could participate in. So if you're going to try to rape a hippo you are really trying to GET IT DONE, if we can speak metaphorically. And I think that we can.

So I hope everyone takes a page out of my 2008 resolution booklet.

Rape the hippo people.


Make your dreams come true.