Ahhhh....Memorial Day Weekend

This is water that you buy in a can and spray
on yourself when you feel hot.
Using it makes me feel rich and privileged.

Tim and Justin and my favorite fold out table that I wish came with a carrying bag.

I will never get rid of the American Flag Bikini.
Unless Old Navy comes out with a cuter one this season.

Indoor S'Mores.
I got nervous about using the grill on the roof.

No montage of my photos is complete without
a shot of Christos in my grandmothers housedress.


My boyfriend (top) and my roommate (bottom) fight over who's tanner.
Incessantly.


This picture of Simon is old news but I just uploaded it and remembered that I never posted. This is his hilarious reaction to an INSANE performance by Fantasia on Idol.

I love the pause function on DVR.

Fun Drinking Games.....

....To Play While Watching E! Reality Shows

• Living Lohan: one shot every time anyone mentions Lindsay. Double shot every time there's a close up on a picture of Lindsay.
• It's Complicated (The Denise Richards one): one shot whenever the movie Wild Things is worked into a conversation. Two shots for every visit the at-home spray tanner lady makes to Denise's house.
  
• The Girls Next Door: one shot for every awkward laugh uttered by Holly, Kendra or Bridget. One shot for every time Kendra flashes the camera. Double shot for whenever that note of desperation (Please marry me Hef!) that sneaks into Holly's voice during her interviews.
• Keeping Up With The Kardashians: one shot for every time Khloe, Kim, or Kourtney looks dead behind the eyes. One shot for every sexual reference and/or comment Khloe makes about any member of the family. Double shot every time the phrase "Thank you" is used.

I openly love reality TV.

I'm doing a show!!

I'm doing some stand up on Friday. It's at 6pm so all you 9 to 5ers now's your chance to come see me RIGHT AFTER WORK!


Here are the details

what: Newjacks at Comix!
where: Comix
353 West 14th Street (nr 9th Ave)
when: Friday, May 23rd
5:30pm doors open, 6pm show (box office closes at 7pm)
Cost: $10 tickets available online at:
http://www.comixny.com/event.aspx?eid=397&sid=1227
$15 at the door/ day of
2 item min available in showroom - full food and bar menu available


**you must make reservations for this show at newjackreservations@gmail.com
OR CALL 212-524-2500 FOR DISCOUNT TIX


It's going to be a great show so hope to see you there!

PS: I got a haircut and it makes me feel like a real woman.

Last night I discovered 2 things.

1. It is possible to want to throw your phone at the wall when you are trying to vote for your favorite American Idol for 3 hours straight and you keep getting a busy signal.
2. Cheaters. I watched my first full episode last night. I can never go to bed before 1am again.

Work is killing me softly but it's nice that the days fly by in a haze of phone calls, the sound of my typing, Quickbooks, and finding random funny pictures online and emailing them to coworkers and friends.

Going out with celebs

I went to the movies with a celeb the other night. I won't name names but she's pretty famous and you would definitely know her name if I said it. And you probably think she's really hot.

The story will be more fun without using her name I think.

Two summers ago my roommate worked on a movie here in the city and this particular celeb--let's call her "Duffy"--was a star in the movie. She and my roommate Kristyn really hit it off. They actually started hanging out like real friends do--getting nails done, watching trashy reality TV. But then Duffy went back to LA because that's where she lives with her super hot husband. Now she's back in the city this summer and my roommate is working as her personal assistant.

Last week I get a text from my roommie: "Sushi with Duffy on Saturday?"

WHAT? Um.....YES WILL PAPARAZZI BE INVOLVED??

Anyway--sushi didn't happen but seeing a movie did. We went to see What Happens In Vegas (Duffy's choice NEVER MINE). And what happened when we got there? Duffy sees us coming and after handing the tickets to Kristyn she turns to me and goes,

"Brandy HI!! It's been so long, how are you??"

In my head I'm thinking, why did we have to come to the emptiest theater in the city? NO ONE is seeing Duffy address me as A FRIEND.

Instead of blurting out "Oh my god your husband is so hot I used to have stickers of him on my Algebra II notebook in 10th grade," I played it cool with a two syllable "Hiiii---eeeee!"and an air kiss.

Watching a movie with an actual movie star is.....different. Every preview I thought to myself, "Was she up for that? Does she hate that girl for getting it? Does she regret every movie choice she made in 1999?"

Then the movie started and the Cameron Diaz hating began.

I personally don't mind Cameron Diaz. The Sweetest Thing is a FANTASTIC movie and she did The Holiday so Cam is okay with me. What Happens In Vegas was a movie I planned to catch on TBS sometime in 2010 but I'm happy to say with the exception of the last 10 minutes, it was actually kind of great. But every few minutes I would hear:

"I mean look at her nose--coke anyone?"

"That's what happens when you do so many drugs."

"Her skin is SO gross. Seriously, stay out of the sun!"

(I thought maybe my roommate would die a little from this comment because she lives her life to be as tan as she can be.)

Usually I hate when people talk during movies, but I was so not over the fact that I was talking shit about celebs WITH a celeb that I was just quiet and listened.

After the movie, we all took a little stroll through Tribeca and walked Duffy home. I haven't been to Tribeca in a minute--I forget that people live like that. It was like walking down a little stretch of cobblestoned elitist paradise. Duffy raved about every restaurant we passed by and I looked wistfully at places that would never DREAM of posting a menu outside or allowing any diner without a reservation that was placed 4 months prior.

She got recognized twice. First at the movies--we were walking out and the girl taking tickets nearly lost her shit. And then when we were standing outside of her apartment, a lady came up and was like

"I'm sorry I just had to come over here and tell you--you're amazing."

What is it like to have someone come up to you and say this and NOT be a homeless man and/or Midtown West construction worker?

She was super nice to the woman and I wondered if she was thinking, "God I'm so gracious to my fans, right?"

The night ended with Duffy giving us hugs and air kisses and this:

"Brandy it was so fun hanging out! I'll know I'll be seeing you all summer!!"

Summer of 2008 will be the summer that my picture ends up in US Weekly.

FINALLY.

See Teeth

I posted the trailer a few months ago but now this amazing piece of dark comedy is on DVD.

I watched it last night with my roommate and my boyfriend and I think it's safe to say that all three of us LOVED it and it's rare that happens with movies that aren't The Sweetest Thing and/or The Holiday.

After seeing this I'm really working on making my vagina's teeth come out.

***Spoiler alert***
There's no vag up close and personal but if you have a weak stomach there's some TOUGH penis scenes. I mean they are hilarious and you'll have to rewind and pause a couple of times.

Enjoy.

The Kardashians have done it again.

I honestly don't think they realize how fucked up this is.

Click here to see probably the worst PSA of all time.

Do they think 100,000 people dying and a military regime that won't let in aid workers is funny?

Dead People

When I was younger, my grandmother used to take pictures of our dead relatives at the funerals. I used to love looking through her many photo albums and it was always a surprise to see me and my cousins posing with Bugs Bunny at Six Flags followed by an up close and personal shot of my great great grandmother in her casket.

Funerals were a regular part of my life growing up. There was always an old aunt or uncle who I never remembered who's wake or funeral we were going to. When I was 8, my mom's youngest sister died. She was 19 and among other things she introduced me to Wet n' Wild nail polish, Caboodles and Prince's Purple Rain. She fell asleep driving home from her boyfriend's on a back country road. Hers was the only funeral my mom didn't let me go to. In fact none of my mom's remaining 4 sisters let their kids go so we sat in my grandmother's garage and had a huge Uno tournament. My cousin Chasity was the only one of us who went and I was completely jealous of her because she got to ride in the family limo. I'd been to plenty of funerals but this was the first close relative who died--the close relative dying was the key to riding in the limo. I was 8 and I knew what death was but I didn't understand it. So to me funeral meant limo so I was ignorantly pissed about the fact that I didn't get to ride in one of them.

I saw a dead person today.

My super died over the weekend. He was a really nice man who always had a smile and a comment about the weather for me whenever I got home from work and he was hanging out smoking by the front door to the building. When my roommate and I had a mouse 3 years ago, he got out of bed to come up and put steel wool in all the openings in our kitchen and bathroom. He was diagnosed with throat cancer about a year ago and hadn't been himself since. The last time I saw him was back in the fall when I came home from the gym to find his wife hysterical because her diabetic sister was having an episode. I called 911 and sat in their apartment til the ambulance came. Ralphie was sitting beside me looking small and sick and sad. And now, not 20 minutes ago I stood in a Hispanic funeral home on 1st Avenue and looked down at his dead body.

I almost cried just because everyone was saying such eloquent sounding things in Spanish and from what I could piece together Ralphie Garcia was a pretty great guy in a lot of other people's opinions as well.

I work in reality TV

But last night's episode of The Real World-Hollywood BLEW MY MIND.

Watching the show from a producer's perspective I just can't believe MTV. If you didn't see last night's episode just tune into Talk Soup and/or Best Week Ever and I'm sure there will be a recap. Basically this season is set in Hollywood and the cast members are 20something alcoholics who want to be famous. One of them, Joey, had "squashed" his alcohol problem before coming on the show.

But of course you can't live in a house MTV pays for without all kinds of mid-shelf liquor being poured down your throat.

Joey's a mean and scary drunk and in last night's ep he basically had an on camera breakdown. He lost it and if I had been one of the girls in the house I would have called the producers immediately because he was out of control. He's this huge steroid-y personal trainer type who wants to be an actor. He also gets really mad and likes to punch himself and other things around him. Oh and he never looks up and he really only talks to the guys in the house. This guy has PROBLEM written all over him and I love and hate the producers for casting him. He made for some AMAZING TV last night...but it's kind of shitty that the show just exploited his problem and probably freaked the hell out of the other castmates.

The best part is that Joey decided that he wanted to leave and he called the producers. The producers come out and say "Hey now--you don't want to leave. How about 30 days of rehab? Hmm? With Dr. Drew Pinksy?"

Translation: If you can't be on the cameras for us on this show how about going over to VH1 with some other substance abuse folks and have some drama there!

Um....The Real World-Hollywood is now on a season pass on my DVR.

What I learned today

There's a tower of toys on Avenue B in the community garden on B and East 6th Street.

The first time I saw this Tower of Toys, I'd been in the city for only a couple of months and somehow was interning for an East Village parade that celebrated the neighborhood's various community gardens. (This is what happens when you just answer every craigslist job ad). The Tower of Toys is an ugly thing and I never really thought much about it. I thought it was gross the first time I saw it and everytime my roommate and I walk past it one of us makes a comment about how happy we are that we don't live in a building that has a direct view of the thing.

But today I read that the Parks Department is taking the Tower down. And I took a little time to see what the story is behind it anyway. Eddie Boros is the artist that made it and I encourage you to click on him.

From wikipedia:

[Eddie Boros] began building his tower out of scrap wood in 1985 after his frequent attempts at carving wood sculptures in the garden met with opposition from other tenants. Over time, the tower grew to a height of 65 feet, and was otherwise notable for being covered with a variety of toy. The tower appeared in the opening credits for the television show NYPD Blue and also appears in the musical Rent.


I feel really bad about thinking the tower is ugly. Because the thing is, it IS ugly, but it was made with love by a guy who sounds like I would have LOVED to know him. Sadly though, he died last week. So hopefully he never knew that they wanted to tear his work down.

Here's a pic and if you want to check it out before it's gone get yourself over to Avenue B and 6th Street. You should go to Mama's before and get a $10 plate full of delish-ness and then enjoy it in the garden.




And my favorite quote about Eddie Boros comes from an article in The Villager

"He was also renowned for his attire — or lack of it. He walked around the neighborhood with his size-14 feet bare, without a shirt, wearing black cutoff jeans shorts and always a string of pearls around his neck."

Fuck yeah Eddie.

Rock on.

I've been really bad about taking pictures

The digital age has made me lazy. I was the girl who always had a disposable camera and got doubles, no questions asked, at WalMart's one-hour photo.

Here's my past couple months in pictures with very succinct captions.

Finally, sun.

From my office window

4:20

Gossip Girl Pajama Party

Growing Plants

I love google ads

In 7th grade, I did Jump Rope For Heart. My school was really into any kind of pledge drive. Dance-a-thons, Rock-a-thons, Henry County was about it. So with Jump Rope For Heart, I had to get people to pledge money and in return I would jump rope for hours and hours and be rewarded with prizes.

I ended up getting a pretty fair amount of money and jump rope time. I got to pick a prize out of a group of different awesome things so I chose.....

Option 3

CD of your own choosing.

At the time, CDs hadn't REALLY blown up for me. My mom was a member of Columbia House so I did own a couple but these couple were Kenny G Breathless and the score from Jurassic Park. I was just reaching that point where I was forming my own musical tastes. So of course I wanted a cd of my own choosing. I could GET ANYTHING!!

All of this took place right before school let out for the summer. I don't know how well you remember the summer of 1994 but in the suburbs of Atlanta there was a Swedish band taking the pop music stations by storm. Yes that's right--Ace of Base and The Sign. I was so into that song that of course that was my first choice for a brand new CD.

I listened to The Sign (that's the name of the album and the song) pretty much everyday all summer long.

I love Ace of Base and I'm never ashamed to admit it.

And if you're wondering what my favorite song is on the album it's track 10: Voulez-vous Danser. This is also one of my top 20 favorite songs. If you know this song and you love it and maybe used to dance to it in your room while pretending you were at fancy Hollywood parties, we are probably supposed to be friends.

Have you heard the new Madonna?

I haven't been into Madonna in awhile. But I got a hold of Hard Candy this week and I can't believe I forgot that she's awesome. Every song makes me want to dance down the street.

I'm mad at her for stealing my pose and I am insane jealous of her fit-ness.



I've been listening to the album for 2 days straight and it's reminding me of when I bought Christina Aguilera's Stripped and only played that CD for like a month. I love loving albums. And all day today I've had an all Madonna all the time playlist helping me rock out to work. And I know you're wondering what my top 10 Madonna songs are so let me satiate your curiosity.

1. This Used To Be My Playground
   
2. Take A Bow
3. Hollywood
4. Like A Prayer
5. Sooner or Later
6. Express Yourself
7. La Isla Bonita
8. Vogue
9. Papa Don't Preach
10. Borderline

Compare and contrast at your leisure.

And get the album--seriously it's an instant party.

Last night....

It's noon now. My contacts are dry, my eyes are heavy-lidded. My stomach is churning uncomfortably and I have yet to take off my hoodie since arriving at my office.

I have a stack of work and a to-do list that has nothing checked off.

The idea of focusing is hard to come by right now.

I'm hungover at work for the first time in months. I was out til almost 4am and drinking the entire time. I didn't throw up which is maybe a sign that my body is back to being able to handle liquor.

Last night......I went to the Gossip Girl wrap party.

That's right. I spent my night with the cast and crew of Gossip Girl at Justin Timberlake's restaurant on the Upper East Side. I know. Awesome.

And to think that I wasn't even going to go out. I'd settled in on my couch with Ugly Betty and 30 Rock and Grey's and then at midnight my roommate called and wanted me to meet her at the Soho Grand. I was half dressed and didn't have any luck rousing my boyfriend or my neighbor off the couch. But I decided to just go because I wasn't tired and a night that starts at midnight usually turns out to be awesome.

I was ready to kill myself after one glass of champagne at the Soho Grand. I didn't know anyone there and it was weirdly loud and we are sitting at weird angles so I had no idea what anyone was talking about. Fifteen minutes into being there my roommate, who is addicted to her blackberry and I think maybe it's grown attached to her hand, whispers to me,

"Chuck from Gossip Girl rented out a bar uptown and it's open bar."

I stood up and grabbed my coat. "Finish your drink--I'll pay for the cab."

So we found ourselves at 1am getting out of a cab which took the longest route possible to 77th and 2nd Ave. And then we were at the door of Southern Hospitality, JT's dive bar-ish restaurant that charges outrageous prices for mediocre southern food. The bouncer informed us it was a private party, whereupon we informed him that that's why we were there.

And we walked right in.

Everyone was there and I had to stop myself from saying, "Serena!! What does Georgina have on you!!" when I saw Blake Lively emerge from a back beer pong room. I didn't really talk to anyone from the cast because my rule with celebs is that they have to talk to me first but I did do a lot of observation.

Dan is fine. He's smaller than me but he's still pretty fine. I have a hard time disassociating the character from the actor so every time I saw him talking I was sure he was saying something really meaningful and deep.

Blair is really tiny. Like preteen tiny. I only saw flashes of her here and there because I was trying not to always be looking around at people and maybe giving off stalker vibes.

I wanted to but did not say to Michelle Trachtenberg, "I LOVE HARRIET THE SPY! YOU WERE SO FUCKING CUTE IN THAT."

Serena lives up to the hype in real life. I was glad to see that her hair is NOT as fabulous and incredible as it looks on the show. I breathed a sigh of relief at this little revelation.

Nate. Nate is one of the most attractive people I have ever seen in my life. Like I really don't know what I'd do if I'd randomly just met him in real life and he wasn't famous or anything. People that look like him HAVE to be famous. It was so unreal--like this one time I saw Miss Universe at Bar Pitti in the West Village. She walked in and I just couldn't believe I was seeing someone who was just so beautiful. And ps--I really don't think he's gay. I mean I have kind of incredible gaydar and I wasn't even getting a blip.

The party was really fun and I can't believe I didn't have my camera. I also can't believe that I had the following conversation with an high school senior:

"Oh my god I have to be up so EARLY tomorrow for school!! And I just did like a MILLION yager bombs! I'm just not going to go to sleep. I have to up at 6am! And I HAVE to go because I have to miss on Monday because I'm doing All My Children."

My roommate and I were the oldest people there by probably 5 years. And we're still in our 20s.

PS: I was secretly hoping that Josh Schwartz would see me from across the room and be like "Hey I'm doing this new show about a beautiful young black woman with lots of hot friends having fun in Hawaii. YOU ARE PERFECT!"

PPS: Haven't given up hope that this will happen.

Great quote

From an op-ed in yesterday's NYT

"It is an injustice, a legacy of the racist threads of this nation’s history, but prominent African-Americans are regularly called upon to explain or repudiate what other black Americans have to say, while white public figures are rarely, if ever, handed that burden."


In case you didn't know, there's a crazy preacher in North Carolina who is a McCain supporter and he regularly makes racist remarks towards Obama. McCain of course has denounced the guy and everyone seems to think that's enough.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright is Obama's former pastor who's been making waves in the past few weeks with his anti-America conspiracy theories. And now Obama is being forced once again to step up to the plate and defend himself and his beliefs. John McCain, however, seems to be in the clear. Obama has said time and again that he and Rev. Wright have many fundamental differences but that doesn't seem to be making the situation better. Obama should NOT have to defend what Rev. Wright said. Anyone with a LICK of common sense should know that a man who's running for President of our country on a fairly conservative liberal platform fucking LOVES AMERICA.

And back to that quote--I relate to a lot because it's really annoying when non black people think that just because I am black I know everything about all black people.

I am so ready for this shit show to be over. A piece of me will die if Hillary gets the nom but always know that no matter who's on the ticket I'll be voting Democrat come November.

(Please God don't let it be Hillary because I think that she is not a good person and the thought of her running our country makes me naush and I really really wish I liked her more because I think a woman president would be AMAZING. But only a woman who is awesome and not one who I think might be a piece of shit dressed in an old lady power suit.)