A Rant Addressed To People Who Think Having A Baby Makes Them Awesome

Recently it's come to my attention that some people in New York who have babies think they are better than me. They think that since they made the decision to have kids and I made the decision to be child-free that this makes them somehow just a teeny bit more awesome than I am.

Um.....no.

Here's some bullet points you should have a deep think about the next time you start to think your baby is so great:

• No one cares about your kid. Sorry. I know you are thinking "But my baby is so wonderful. Emma is so smart - already knows her colors." No one gives a fuck about Emma and her colors. I have a beautiful niece named Madisyn and I think she is the prettiest thing on the planet. But I don't expect everyone else to think that. So please remember - you think that Charlotte is just amazing. The average viewing public can't tell Charlotte from Jacob.

• Bars are not for children. EVER. Adults come to bars to get wasted. Bars are places where being inappropriate is the norm. It's okay to say fuck and bitch and even cunt if you are looking for a fight. Your kids should be in a play group. Not whining about how they want more sprite mommy while I'm having my third shot of tequila. I never want to hear a child's whimpering as I take a drink. I have lived for almost 29 years - I should be able to have a drink at a bar without worrying about offending your kid. Why? BECAUSE YOUR KID SHOULDN'T BE IN A BAR. Why don't you flash foward 20 years to the therapy you're going to have to pay for little Emily because your idea of a good time was to take her out to different bars in Brooklyn and yell at other patrons for being a bad influence on the perfection that is your child.

• Not all babies are cute. In fact most babies aren't cute. People only tell you they think your baby is cute because its a response that usually will make the parent shut the fuck up fishing for compliments.

• Big strollers suck and make non breeders automatically assume when they see a mommy with one of these tanks that said mommy is a selfish bitch since she obviously are okay with her Mini Cooper sized stroller taking over the entire sidewalk and she gives mean looks when someone forgets to hold the door for you at Pier 1 because said someone is on her cell phone talking happily with her single friends about the crazy trouble they will get into on Friday night and how happy she is to be in her 20s and having the time of her life. Sorry if she didn't have time to hold the door for you. Can't win 'em all.

• Never think you are better than someone just because you have a baby right now. Why? Because in about 14 years you're going to have a teenager.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm ranting but I don't hate your kids. In fact, I mostly like all kids. And yes your kid is special. To you.

So never assume that they have to be special to the whole world. That's something those little motherfuckers have to earn.

Funny stuff

I decided this year that I will start doing comedy again. I wasn't feeling inspired but now I am and I'm ready to be on stage again. Last night I watched a great doc on Showtime about the evolution of black comedy and after watching it was kind of like "Of course I need to be doing comedy. What am I sitting around for?" I don't have dreams of selling out huge arenas but the thought of making even just a few people laugh warms my heart. Seeing the men and women who came before me who gave me the chance to sit around and wonder do I want to or not--amazing. I am a black woman who can choose for herself whether or not she wants to get on stage and if I choose to do it, I can. I can perform in front of a mixed audience at a club like Comic Strip NY or Caroline's because people like Dick Gregory and Moms Mabley went through some hellish circumstances to get blacks out in front.

I feel removed from the civil rights movement sometimes and I think a lot of young black people my age feel the same way. I've felt the cold sting of racism but I have never been immersed in it. It's a passing thing - a mean cop, a cashier at the grocery store who doesn't want to touch my hand. For a flash of a moment I feel what so many must have felt back in the day But I've always had white friends and felt a little out of place in the black world. That probably has to do with my voice. I have a white voice and although now it's fine and I've accepted it, from ages 7 to 13 it wasn't fine at all and I got picked on alot. Oddly enough, I was picked on by black girls which has led to black girl "issues" that I still have today. I was never "black" enough for them. I liked to read, I liked to do plays, I liked coming to school. These were all the wrong things to like and the scars from those mean old bitches saying stuff to me like "Why you trying to be white?" and "you ain't never gone have no black friends talking like that. WE don't want to hang out with you." When I meet a black woman today, I have to immediately tell myself, "Bran, you're a grownup - she's not making fun of your voice."

I don't look back on those years that sadly though-I made some really great friends and from them I learned that it doesn't really matter what the few say. My friends liked me. And by the time high school started, those girls who were mean to me in my preteen years were getting pregnant and dropping out like flies. I hate when stereotypes are reinforced but in the case of those betches.....I was okay with it.

One of my biggest comedy fears is doing comedy in front of an all-black audience. I kind of close up inside thinking about it. It's like I already assume that people will hate my voice and think my comedy is cheesy. I know right? Where's that Brandy Crawford confidence? The Brandy Crawford who doesn't give a shit and always thinks she's the prettiest and the funniest? Well I'm trying to get that Brandy to come out and send nervous Brandy packing. My newest goal is to perform at a black comedy show this year and at least get a couple of laughs. That's all I'm looking for. Seeing all those amazing black comedians in the doc last night made me so proud - Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Robin Harris and Redd Foxx are some of my comedy inspirations. My parents loved black comedy and they passed on that love to their kids. We were always watching Richard Pryor be insane or Eddie Murphy cussing up a storm. I watched so much Eddie Murphy standup in elementary school, I could quote it on demand to my friends at school. (Which was fun because there was so much cursing). I still think that Robin Harris is one of the funniest comedians of all time. His humor reminds me of my dad and I learned everything I know about comedy from my dad - he's the funniest man I know - black or white. So much of my childhood was spent laughing.

Here's a clip of Robin Harris doing some funny stuff. If you haven't heard of him, get thee to youtube. You'll laugh a lot - I promise you.





I've been watching a lot of comedy in the past few weeks trying to figure out where I fit in. I'm not vulgar, I'm not self deprecating, I don't hate men, I like my body and for the most part I'm pretty happy in my life. I'm lonely sometimes but it's a good lonely....I have the rest of my life to be married and have kids. This time now - this time is for me. So I'm not your typical comedian I suppose because I love myself and I don't want to get on stage to fuck with people,. among other reasons. I just love laughing and I love sharing my human experience. What I like most about comedy is when I tell a joke or a story and I hear a surprise laugh - a laugh that says to me "Oh shit girl, that happens to me too!"

My little monsters do Gaga

Enjoy!!!

Fav parts - everything Madisyn does, Kailyn's complete concentration, and Amme's dance with the chair.

LOVE MY GIRLS!!!

Brandy Crawford's Standup is NOW ONLINE

I did it!!

Finally!!

After 2 weeks of getting really frustrated and giving up!!

I posted my comedy online!!

Here are 2 videos for your enjoyment.

I figured out how to compress. Yay google!!!

So watch this and maybe laugh a little for me? This is my newest short set and I did a couple of new jokes. Hope you enjoy!

PS

I promise to stop blogging so much about Gaga. There is actual other stuff going on in my life.

Including the fact that I hate Youtube. I have been trying to post my standup for like a week now and it just won't upload. It's hard for me to not throw my computer into the wall and then throw up on it everytime it gets to 1 hour remaining and the upload cancels.

I'm trying to be strong.

But seriously.


I hate youtube.

Watch this now.

Gaga. Elton. Grammys.


PERFECTION.

In other news, Gaga and I have the same birthday so I'm having a kind of ridick amazing costume ball on 3/27/10. I have a location. I have a DJ. I started buying pieces for my 5 (at least) costume changes for the night of.

BraGaga 2010
The Little Monsters Costume Ball
3/27/2010
NYC

It's going to be OUT OF THIS WORLD.

Invitation to come!!!