brandy crawford.

Remember how I used to blog?

2011-09-19T16:40:00.000-04:00

Well this summer my life kind of completely changed and I'm still dealing with the aftermath.

So the blog isn't done or gone. But in case you can't tell.....the posts may be a little slow.

Long story short:

I'm still alive and kicking but I'm also forever changed.

No I didn't have a baby and I'm just not in the mood to put what's going on out in the internet for all to see. So just know that I'm all good and hopefully on my way to being even better.

XOXOXOXOX

Bran

10 years ago today

2011-06-02T16:59:00.001-04:00

This little lady was born

If I remember correctly, it was a Saturday morning. I was 20 years old and my sophomore year at UGA had just finished up and I'd just moved back home from the dorms. Two days before Kailyn was born Kari and I tried to induce labor by watching the Exorcist. Instead we just had nightmares.

I went back to Athens on Friday June 1 - the plan was to hang out with some girlfriends, go downtown, abuse our fake IDs, the usual. Kari was going to spend the night at her boyfriend's house. The problem here is that Kari's parents didn't like her boyfriend and they definitely didn't like her staying over there. So she did the Kari thing and told them she was staying with me. She called my cell before I left for Athens and I told her in no uncertain terms "You better not have that baby this weekend."

FF to me having a crazy wild night - somewhere pictures exist. What I mostly remember is dancing on a bar - perhaps at Classic City Saloon? Perhaps at Flanagans? I also drank a lot. For those of you who know me personally, you know that 3 drinks is my limit. I overshot that by about 3 bottles of tequila that night.

I pass out circa 4am on a couch. My cell phone rings at 6.

"Bran....I'm having the baby"

"What? No. What?"

"I can't call my parents yet I need you to come here now!"

"I'm in ATHENS"

"Can you PLEASE get here?"

FF to me dragging myself to Marty (my '87 Honda Accord hatchback that got me thru college). I was still in my dress from the night before. One of the heels on these BCBG heels I LOVED was dangling by a thread and I couldn't remember for the life of me how that happened but thankfully there was always a pair of flip flops under the passenger seat.

How was I feeling at this moment? In one word: HORRIFIC. Kind of like I'd been punched in the face and the boobs and then the back for good measure. My brain was throbbing. My tummy felt like it was full of slime and fire. And I had to get gas.

I get of my exit on the Loop to get onto 78 (my fellow UGA alums will get this) and I felt a burp coming on. The burp turned into me barfing all over myself while pulling into the gas station. So I park it in front of a gas pump, expel the rest of my vom on the pavement outside my car and for the first and only time in my life, I took an Italian shower in the bathroom of a Shell station. I felt marginally better but I still had a 2 hour drive to contend with. I was still in Athens.

I'd also like to mention that I drove 55 the entire way because Marty was making me naush.

10am I pulled into the hospital lot. Kailyn had been born minutes before and when I went into the delivery room she was on a table looking around and when I came in she looked over at me.

And I fell in love and haven't stopped loving her since. The hangover, the Incident In Marty, the hellish drive from Athens to Stockbridge....I would have done it all a million times over as long as it ended with me walking into that room and her catching my eye.

I can't believe she's 10. Selfishly my first thought is: OH GOD I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A TEN YEAR OLD. But then I think...Holy shit she's growing up and she's not my little crazy baby who pretends to be a single mom of 3 and holds jobs at Ryans and Taco Bell. She is going to be an actual woman before I know it.

But bottom line is this: Kailyn Ciera Newton is one of the most awesome people I know. She's the reason I started doing comedy. Knowing that I'm going to see her puts me in a great mood. And I'm just so proud that she's related to me. The fact that she looks up to me fills my heart with so much joy I could burst.

Kailyn: So Bran, you know all my friends want to move to California or Paris or something. But not me...Girl I want to be in New York with you! I'm a New York girl

Okay I might cry.

I LOVE YOU KAILYN!!!

Edge of Glory

2011-05-31T15:32:00.004-04:00

so Christos and I were ALMOST in a commercial.

But we weren't.

But our video is really good so enjoy it and share with friends!

Also if Lady Gaga happens to be googling: STEF WE LOVE YOU!!!

Edge of Glory
Starring Brandy and Christos
Shot on Brandy's iPad2
Styling by Chri$tone
Editing by Brandy

Doing things (that's what she said)

2011-04-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

I'm doing a lot of things right now. The three biggest are

Bad Romance at Bedlam
DJing and hosting really fun NYC dance parties
starting a comedy band

Hence the lack of blogging. Also I feel like I don't have as much to say these days in blog form. I do tweet a lot though so you should follow me

(Yes it's protected don't worry I'll accept you)

So Bad Romance - it's at Bedlam and it's a GREAT show - we've been going strong since December and literally every show is so much fun!! I mean how can you not have fun in a classily decorated room that's also filled with taxidermy?

Perhaps you remember phonewalletkey? Well we're back and now we DJ. Our first party is this Saturday 4/30 - details below and you can rsvp here.

And the comedy band....well get ready. I finally have an iPad2 (long story another post perhaps) and it's changing my musical life. I'm in a band with 4 amazingly talented and funny people and we will be tearing this city up by midsummer. HOPE YOU CAN HANDLE IT!!!

So that's what's up.

I'm 30.

2011-04-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

It happened.

Still alive.

Bragaga 3.0 was AMAZING.

Pics are here.

And here's my fav.

BORN THIS WAY.

OH MY GOD

2011-03-04T20:28:00.001-05:00

I TURN 30 IN 24 DAYS.

Hence the lack of blogging recently. I'm going thru this little thing called Freaking The Fuck Out.

I'll be back with you soon. Getting a handle on it. (Trying to get a handle on it)

While I have an internal freakout, I'll leave you with something that makes me cry in a good way:

I mean how could Gaga BE any more awesome?

Also here's the official Bragaga 3.0 invite. I look pretty cool right? Thanks to Christos and Ari for styling and Amanda for making the invite!!

Yes, it's on a Sunday. Yes, I'm bringing in the DJ. Yes, I'll be making an actual Entrance. Yes, it's going to be amazing and honestly the only thing keeping me sane as the big 3-0 rears its psychological head. I'm sure I'll be just fine on March 29th. But right now, I'm in an ALL CAPS KIND OF PLACE.

Feb is FAB

2011-02-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

Usually February sucks. There's January before it - land of lost resolutions, short days and long nights. And its followed by March - that month that fools you into thinking maybe it will get warm and then slaps you in the face with a blizzard. And February itself is just so.....cold and slushy.

But not this February. No....Feb 2011 is going to be amazing and this is why:

Robyn is on Saturday!! She's playing at Radio City, I'm going and I'm ridiculously excited. Body Talk Parts 1, 2 and 3 include some of the best tracks of the year. Criminal Intent and Dancing on My Own - I'm talking to you.
I get to dress up as Grace Jones! My friend is having a rock star themed bday party and I am going as Grace Jones.
GAGA IS ON FEB 21ST AT MSG. I AM GOING. Does anything else really need to be said?
I ended January on a limobus dancing on a stripper pole inside said bus while it was parked in the middle of nowhere in Red Hook. GREAT EXPERIENCE
I'm hosting an amazing comedy show that just keeps getting better with every show. Feb 9th and Feb 23rd Bad Romance At Bedlam has great lineups and you should make a point to come out
At some point in February, I will be hosting a Just Dance 2 competition also at Bedlam. I can't rave enough about this game. Details to come but if you live in NYC you won't want to miss it.
BRAGAGA 3.0 IS SO CLOSE. The venue is booked, the costumes have been started and the buzz is abuzzin. March 27th 2011. Be there or be really effing lame doing something else
BORN THIS WAY DROPS ON FEB 13th. Lyrics are here. GAGA I HAVE NO WORDS. Except this: she's making a number one hit with the phrase "No matter gay, straight, or bi, Lesbian, transgendered life I’m on the right track baby I was born to survive." NO WORDS.

I'm also doing a set tonight at Tell Your Friends!! I'll be telling some new jokes and I'm REALLY excited.

Additionally, it's been snowing like crazy round these parts and I am so ready for winter to be over that I can literally taste the July sun. I'm not going to bitch and moan because unlike the rest of the world I realize that there are these things called "seasons" and they happen every year and there's never been a January/February that feels like August but I will say that I'm OVER IT.

But Feb is still going to be fab. Even if it is also covered in ice and snow.

Oh hey Bran, long time no see

2011-01-12T01:18:00.002-05:00

A few things:

1. I've learned to play guitar. When I say "learned," I mean, I can play several chords and am decently able to work my way through Taylor Swift's songbook. I'm not sure why I picked up guitar. I was at walking to work one day and decided I wanted to play another instrument (I'm a flautist in case you didn't know - the flute and I were one from 5th til 12th grade - yes I'm admitting this). I'd always liked piano but keyboards are expensive and my bedroom is a New York bedroom. So next I thought about guitar. They couldn't be that expensive. I poked around on Amazon and then decided that I should just go to a music store so I did that on my lunch break. The music store was right near Times Square and mostly empty. A very bored looked guy asked if he could help me and I was like, "Well I'm looking for a guitar. I've never played before." He replies that he has two for $100, natural and black. I ask for the black one. He brings it out and literally I FELL IN LOVE. Her name is Billie and it took a lot of playing Leaving On A Jetplane but I'm happy to say that I played for my family Christmas and my grandparents just loved it. My granddaddy Boykin called his brother and made me play on speakerphone. My granddaddy Billy took a picture of me holding guitar Billie.

Here she is.

2. My family. I spent Christmas in Georgia and literally just had the best time. Kailyn, Amme and Madisyn are actual people now. Kailyn can't wait to be in the "double digits" and Amme "just wants to be an artist." Madisyn calls me Miss Brandy because in nursery school they've been learning to call all adults Mr and Ms. It's so cute and I die everytime. They loved my guitar and I would just play chords and let them make up songs. It was literally The Best. I played lots of Wii with my dad and my brother and it was like old times when we played Super Nintendo every night together before bed. My mom made my brother a Snuggie. An actual Snuggie. She calls it a "poncho." Everyone, including my grandparents, have wireless. My data plan was really happy in Georgia. And then, and THEN, we got a white Christmas! It was the first white Christmas I've ever had in my life. Isn't that NUTS? I didn't realize how crazy it was til the next day when there was still snow on the ground. Georgia was amazing. And to be topped off with My Gaga's New Years. Get of here and shut the front door...it doesn't get better than that.

3. I am loving 2011 so far. Standing in Gaga's presence as the new year came in has a lot to do with it I'm sure but in general I am just feeling good. I have kind of been dreading this year my whole life since as of March 28, I will be 30 years old. It was so scary but now it's so close that I'm not really freaking out anymore. It's going to happen and the day will pass and I'll feel the same as I did the day before (unless I drank heavily) and I'll look the same as I did the day before (as long as I remember to take off my makeup). But yeah, a part of my love affair with 2011 stems from this game called Just Dance...it warrants its own number.

4. Just Dance. Do you have a Wii? Get one. This game is the most fun you will ever have in your life in your living room. I'm sure you've seen the commercial and all these people are doing the Firework dance and they look ridiculous. Let me tell you, being one of those people puts a smile on my face everyday. And it's such a work out....you are really dancing!! And the songs DON'T GET OLD. Because it actually takes a minute to learn the dance so you have to listen to the song a million times anyway. And I also love listening to songs a million times so basically if you are like me you will love this game. I'm not trying to say you should try and be like me or anything but I would adopt some of my principles which are only Buy A Wii and Buy Just Dance.

5. I'm hosting a comedy show!! It's called Bad Romance At Bedlam and it's every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. I host with the wonderful Whitney Meers - we met at the World Record competition -- she broke a record for eating mini donuts and it was awesome. Half booked show, half open mic, it's in a great intimate space and every kind of performance is welcome. Yes there will be Gaga dances and costumes from Cherry Boom. Not at tomorrow's show but definitely at the one on the 26th.

6. I really loved the movie Country Strong. Aka I have the soundtrack and I have used my karaoke app with more than one of the songs. I'm not a Gwynth fan or a Blair fan but they were SO GOOD. I just LOVED IT. It was the kind of movie that had I seen as I child, would still be one of my favorites and probably in my dvd collection now. I am such a sucker for happy endings in movies. I saw Blue Valentine and I thought it was good and all but it was just so colorless and sad and I know that was the point but I just don't like going to the movies to get depressed about how real life looks on screen. I like the fiction. In the words of Nathan Detroit, sue me. If I cry, I want to be smiling soon. Aka in Steel Magnolias (SPOILER ALERT) Shelby dies, but then they have that great scene in the graveyard and the whole "whack a Ouiser!" conversation happens. And then at the very end there's the Easter egg hunt and Annelle goes into labor and Truvy get's her new place and Sam is a great husband? I EAT THAT KIND OF THING UP WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON. It's who I am and I make no apologies.

That's all for now. One of my resolutions was to post at least three times a month so you haven't heard the last of me for January.

A part of me REALLY wants to start doing XOXO Brandy. But that's SO lame. But it is seriously how I feel, I'm not trying to be Gossip Girl. But society can't separate the two so I'm going to just forgo the signature.

Stefani Angelina Joanna Germanotta.

2011-01-01T12:41:00.001-05:00

SO.......

Last night by some amazing twist of fate Xtos, Josh and I got to go to this private party at this bar on the Lower East Side that was hosted by Lady Gaga and some friends of hers, one of whom who is the friend of a friend and that's how we got in. (Who loves what a small world New York is? ME!!!)

I KNOW. IT'S LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY.

We'd been there for about 15 minutes and SHE CAME IN. Literally, she was standing THREE FEET AWAY FROM ME. She was standing in the corner and Xtos, Josh and I are literally practically right beside her at the bar. At one point she and I made eye contact and I GOT A SMILE. Ya heard?? So Xtos is standing closest to her and he decides do the damn thing and he goes up to her. Transcribed conversation below (as related by Xtos):

Xtos: "I definitely want to let you enjoy your new years but I'll be brief. I may seem cool, calm and collected but I'm a little monster and I'm perhaps one of your biggest fans"

Gaga turns to her boyfriend: "Babe! He's a fan!" (she was genuinely happy)

Boyfriend: "Everyone's a fan baby." (Note: This was not as cute as it reads)

Xtos: First of all, I love the album cover. And I can't wait for Born This Way.

Gaga: It's not the album cover.

At this point there's a sentence that we just don't remember but it lead into -

Gaga: I just want you to know that I really want to do the work.

Xtos: Dude, you don't even need to say that - it's readily apparent. I don't know if I can make it til May and I'm sure you get off on this shit so enjoy it.

(There were 3 hugs and 3 kisses given - times unknown)

Xtos: I want to thank you for a great 2010 and I want to thank you in general
(hug and kiss followed for sure here)

Xtos: I'm about to pull an all nighter like a hooker on a church corner and it's all your fault

Gaga: You little bitch (this was said in the spirit of deep rooted love)

YES. THIS HAPPENED. I WATCHED THIS HAPPEN. No, I didn't talk to her myself but I was WATCHING HER TWEET THE BORN THIS WAY INFO AT MIDNIGHT. She tweets herself!! And I'll never the forget the smile even if it was meant for someone behind me.

Happy 2011!!!!!!!

The only time Sarah Palin and I will ever see eye to eye

2010-12-13T23:25:00.001-05:00

Kate Gosselin is HELL.

Jon knows it. The 8 kids know it. I know it.

And now I know Sarah Palin knows it.

PS: Best line is def the petulantly whiny, "I'm hungry!"

I've been a bad blogger. Oops.

2010-11-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry!! I know it's so depressing when you come here and think, Oh maybe something new? And then just the same old same old from October.

I've been a very busy lady so apologies. Currently I'm learning to play guitar and I'm obsessed with Robyn. I'm also going to start hosting a comedy show!!

Details to come.

For now enjoy this.

I bought a new wig - it's a beautiful disaster right?

My thoughts on Obama

2010-10-27T15:28:00.001-04:00

There's been a lot of Obama-hating going on and I have mostly kept quiet. But then today I wrote this email to a friend and I think it sums up exactly how I feel about everything. So in the spirit of internet sharing here is the email I wrote this morning to a friend who also happens to be a gay man.

From the email....(which btw started as a response to an unrelated Lady Gaga quote that my friend added an anti Obama message to. Also note - said friend is not a racist or crazy person and I encourage my friends to have their own opinions. Okay now you can read it.)

Ahem....From The Email:

I can't sit back and deal with the Obama bashing - I think everyone is entitled to their opinion based on what they feel is true and right so here's mine:

List of presidents worse than Obama

1. every president til Lyndon Johnson
2. Nixon
3. Reagan
4. both Bushes

I would not put Obama on this list. He made promises that were too idealistic to be realistically fulfilled in the political climate that exists right now but he hasn't deliberately mislead the American public. He hasn't put us into a war for nothing and killed thousands of soldiers for a means to an end that never was. Has he sat back when he should have been more vocal? Yes. Is that not cool at all? No it's not.

There are a lot of things that Obama has not handled in a way that I would have liked. I think he should have come straight out for gay rights because there are basic civil rights that are no doubt being unjustly denied to a entire group of American citizens. However for some context:

NY State abolished slavery in 1785. Slavery didn't end in NY until 1857.

The 14th amendment was passed in 1868. Blacks didn't get the basic civil rights in ALL of America until 1964.

I couldn't marry a white man before 1967

I do firmly believe that in less than 5 years gays will have equal rights in all aspects from marriage to adoption and for sure serve in the military. And while the gay struggle has been going on since the beginning of time, it only got really organized in the past 40 or so. And I think 40 years from going from living on the fringes and not being able to come out as who you really are to high schools that have open LBGT programs is really amazing. Considering that from 1865-1964 blacks were 2nd class citizens in the south even thought their country's constitution guaranteed their rights, its really fucking amazing.

America is a racist nation - it sucks but it;s true. I think change will come but I don't think it will be the all encompassing change that we idealize. I think it will be that on paper gays can marry just like on paper I can marry a white guy. But I still get double takes when I walk down the street with said guy in any place that's not New York.

I'm not trying to say you need to love Obama - you don't. He hasn't lived up to what you wanted him to be and its okay to kick him to the curb because of that. The beauty of being an American is that you can think whatever the fuck you want. But I really would like for you to remember that your people aren't the only ones who had to pull thru dark and shitty administrations before being able to see the light. And when you get pissed about what his administration isn't doing, remember that we've had a couple of centuries full of those. The problem isn't Obama - it's way bigger than Obama and I don't have any good ideas on how to fix something so broken.

PS CAN'T WAIT TO GO DANCING.

LOVE YOU GUYS AND NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT.

End of Email.

Sidenote - unrelated: I really love this site - go there and find some fun new music.

Sidenote - related: So sue me if some of those dates are wrong - I got in the general vicinity and I never claimed that this was an effing research paper - THAIIINNNKKKYA

A Funny Conversation With Rose

2010-10-04T19:42:00.003-04:00

My mom answered her home phone tonight on the 5th ring and declared that she'd just lost her debit card and was on her way back to her office to see if she'd left it there - she'd call me back from her cell. She calls me back, we talk about this and that, she gets to her office and is looking around.

I was like "Mom, you should send a prayer to St. Anthony."

"Who's St. Anthony?"

"He's the saint who helps you find things. So you say 'St. Anthony, St. Anthony please come down, something's been lost and must be found.'"

"Oh okay." Completely changes the subject to something else.

Ten minutes later, we're still on the phone and she's still at her office and annoyance with the missing debit card has kind of turned to anger and a grudging acceptance. "It's not that big of a thing...I'll just call in the morning. I hate that bank. There website is terrible. But I just knew that I had that card. It's not that big of a deal."

I have this conversation with myself at least once a week (minus the bank hating) about something I've lost so I see I get this from Mom.

Then says, "Bran! You will never believe it. It's right here in my wallet! Thank you Jesus I knew it was here somewhere!"

Me: "That's great Mom, but you should really thank St. Anthony - remember I said the prayer for you?"

Mom: "Girl you need to stop, St. Anthony is just Jesus."

OH MOM.

I set a World Record!!

2010-10-01T12:43:00.002-04:00

Last night at the URDB.org world record show!! URDB is a place where anyone can make their own world record and you can beat other people's records. I set a record combining 3 of my favorite things: Lady Gaga, going out, and getting ready to go out. So I tried to put on as many different outfits as possible during Bad Romance.

I set the record at 15!!!!

In case you can't tell - I love stretchy dresses with belts and hats.

Also thanks to Stef - doesn't she look FANTASTIC helping me out on stage??

An open letter to the Fringe

2010-09-17T17:11:00.003-04:00

Dear Fringe Right Wing,

My name is Brandy Crawford and I'm a 29 year old black woman living in New York City. I have a problem with your "values".

Apparently you think that if I am raped by a relative or by anyone in general, I shouldn't have the right to have an abortion. I should carry the baby to term and then give it up. Did you think about what happens to me in those 9 months when I'm reminded everyday of the traumatic experience that caused my pregnancy? Did you think about what happens 20 years down the road when that baby is a grown up and wants to know where his roots are? Did you think about how this adult is going to feel knowing he's the product of a rape? Oh, I guess that doesn't matter. These aren't details you bother with. You don't think about the future of what you want, just the now. Is that it? Also is it just me or do you think that people who have abortions just can't wait to have one? Do you think these women find it fun to abort their babies? Do you think they don't think about it every day? You think they take this decision lightly - kind of like "do I want red or pink nail polish today?" Because I think you're dead wrong about that.

Whenever anyone talks about taking away the 2nd amendment, you get pissed. Every American should have a gun if they want right? No matter how many children live in the house who could possibly have access to it. Yet you want to take away the 14th amendment because you don't want illegal immigrants having babies here. You don't want new people coming in and having a chance at the American dream? Because all illegal immigrants are terrible people and never wanted a better life? Is that it?

Government healthcare is wrong huh? Why exactly again? You don't think a governing body should be responsible for the well being of its constituents? You think that if you can't afford to go to the doctor you should just stay home and be sick?

And then there's gay marriage. 50% of straight marriages end in divorce. What exactly are you trying to "uphold?" You don't want government in your business - so why are you trying to get in the business of people you don't know?

This is the thing, I don't have a problem with the right wing. Yes, I'm a liberal. But I'm a liberal who thinks that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I'm a liberal who will listen to you if you're talking sense. You have a way to get out of this economic downturn? I'm all ears. You have a solution to the healthcare debate that's an actual solution and not a bunch of scary non-fact based talking points? Bring it. But it seems to me you don't have any plan. It seems to me that all you want is for their to not be a black president in office. If I'm wrong, I welcome your response as to why I'm incorrect.

Would love to have some light shed on this.

XOXO

Brandy Crawford

Flirting in New York aka I hate guys

2010-09-07T15:46:00.004-04:00

I was feeling vaguely depressed today so I took an hour out of my work day and went shoe shopping. I moseyed on up East 45th Street, Robyn's Body Talk pts 1 and 2 provided my soundtrack.

God smiled on me and I found the exact 2 pairs of shoes I was looking for. Then I needed to stop at the ATM. And then it was back to work time.

I stop at the ATM near 45th and Park Ave kind of behind the MetLife building - even though this particular ATM is located in a Rape Alley kind of place, it was 2pm and I took my chances.

Coming out of the ATM this extremely attractive older guy walks by me. He was tall with dark hair just flecked with a little grey here and there. The aura of "I have a GREAT job and LOTS of money" surrounded him like a blinding light. And he had these really nice eyes - dark bluish - grey - but maybe I'm making that up because that's what I wanted him to have.

We made eye contact and I melted a little inside. I gave him a little smile. He smiled back - GREAT TEETH. He walked towards me a little and I'm thinking to myself "Am I about to have a Pretty Woman moment? Are all my New York fantasies of meeting Mr. Right randomly on the street with Blossom Dearie playing in the background COMING TRUE?"

Then his hand was caught in the sun and I saw a little glint of gold.

THE WEDDING RING.

He saw me see it. He saw the smile fade from my face. And in the space of half a second, the flirtation was over, he was turning down Lexington, I was heading back down 45th towards 3rd, and Robyn was singing "You should know better than to fuck with me" in my headphones.

Dear Married Men: If you have a wife that means I don't want you. Don't smile at me like you want to take me around back and show me a good time if there's a wedding ring on your finger. In the words of NeNe Leakes - "I close mah laigs to mar'red mens"

Guess what - this lil incident did NOTHING to help my mood. At least I got two new pairs of cute shoes. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Today on gchat

2010-08-24T17:03:00.001-04:00

Never Let The Man Win

2010-08-19T15:15:00.004-04:00

I have an iPhone now.

Don't start with all the cheers just yet - I'm still not sold on it. I mean, it looks amazing and is so hi-tech but honestly I'm a little overwhelmed with all the apps and choices for customization.

And then there's the problem of The Number.

I have a 212 cell phone number. I've had it for almost 7 years now. It's my phone number. It's a part of me. I'd like to keep it.

But AT&T is being really shitty and saying that it's a part of the "family plan" so I can't keep it. I have to change it to a Georgia number because that's what my Mom has. (Yes my mom pays our cell bill and you can kiss my ass if you want to judge me for that) Yesterday was spent at the At&T store and then on the phone s-way with my mom and various customer service reps. I'd forgotten about my mom and.....Incidents.

When I was younger and I'd go out with my mom I would secretly pray that no one would start with her. Starting with my mom inevitably leads to....an Incident. First off Mom is naturally suspicious (I get this from her) and she's usually sure that The Man is trying to pull one over on her. My mom hates letting The Man win. And basically whoever is on her nerves at any point in time is equated with The Man. Even if its a small woman who may or may not have broken the line.

There was the time when I was 7 or so and we were at the JCPenney outlet and a lady mistakenly wandered in front of us in the line. But the time my mom finished chewing her out for breaking , I was cowering behind my grandmother and that lady I'm sure will never go shopping again, there or anywhere else.

Then there was the Incident when I was in marching band and the band directors wanted that years marching band to pay for new hats and capes for our uniforms that would be passed on to the next generations of Henry Country band members. My mom thought it was entirely ludicrous to pay $110 for something I wasn't going to get to take home with me. And she told my band directors this in no uncertain terms. I've never seen white men go so red.

I never paid for those hats and capes.

And who can forget the Pizza Hut Incident. They wouldn't deliver to my neighborhood because it was too black. When Rose got off the phone with them we got 2 free pizzas delivered within 10 minutes.

The latest Incident happened yesterday when I was on a 3 way call with Mom and "Kevin" from AT&T. Kevin did not give Mom the answer she was looking for and I sat silent on the line for about 7 minutes while she ripped him a new one. I STILL don't have my 212 number but she just called to assure me that it will happen. That she will MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Getting me this number has now become a battle between Mom and The Man.

ROOTING FOR ROSE B ON THIS ONE!!!!!

Also when we talked just now she goes :

"Do you know that Kevin is just a contractor?"

"Who's Kevin?"

"Bran....the guy from the phone yesterday who didn't know SHIT. I looked him up and he's just a freelance CONTRACTOR FOR THEM so he has NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE'S TALKING ABOUT"

I obviously get my knack for researching people who annoy me to find dirt on them from my mom.

Just Say Yes

2010-08-10T20:57:00.007-04:00

Summer 2010 has been GREAT. I decided to Just Say Yes to everything and I ended up in a lot of really cool places like Gaga loving bars Mallorca, Spain and tents in a front yard in Bumblefuck, PA. I also found myself in situations that are very much Not-Brandy - aka kayaking and going topless on the beach. As much as I hate admitting it, this is the last summer of my 20s and I wanted to make sure I had an amazing time.

Saying yes has taught me a lot about myself, the most surprising being that I don't really hate water so much and I'm not as afraid to swim as I thought I was. I was in the ocean by myself without floaties. I was on a float in the middle of a lake and I didn't beg for a life jacket. I went into the deep end of a pool. Again without floaties. Noticing a pattern here? I mean I'm not a mermaid or anything yet but the thought of being in water where my feet didn't touch the bottom used to terrify me. And now I don't mind so much.....as long as I have a friend or two nearby who are ready to save me when I panic.

I've really been loving New York City this summer. I've been in my same apartment for over 5 years now and it's actually and truly my home. It's strange because it's not like I woke up one day and I was 29. I can go back through the blog or my facebook or even my practically defunct Myspace and I can see that I have definitely been living it up this whole time. Yet it still feels like I missed something.

But anyway, here are some fun pictures of things I said yes to:

Yes to new friends

Yes to fancy parties

Yes to kayaking

Yes to choreographing Gaga dances and performing them on the LES

Yes to hosting parties for really cool new friends I met while saying yes.

YES TO GAGA

YES TO GOING OUT LIKE GAGA

PS: I really like the template I decided on. But no promises that it won't change again. I'm like the blue wind. (you're welcome Xtos)

Geez summer got so busy

2010-08-02T10:24:00.002-04:00

I got a new look - it's temporary because I got overwhelmed by all the new template choices and just picked something and got the hell out of there.

I will be blogging for real very shortly - but basically it's been a busy and wonderful Summer Of Yes and I have lots of stories and pictures. I've been dancing, I've been meeting people, I've been swimming naked in the ocean. I've been saying yes to everyone and everything and I've met fantastic new people. I shuck oysters, I boil 3 lb lobsters, I get home at 2am from amazing nights out and I'm feeling great about my job.

It's been a great summer and I still have a month left. I promise to find time to update!

And find a new look that's not so.....purple.

I need to talk about House Hunters

2010-07-13T23:28:00.003-04:00

I am addicted to it.

There I said it. It's out.

I’ve had this addiction since college but I only really recognized the severity of it since I got cable. Which I’ve had now for 3 years so…I’m kind of obsessed.

It comes on HGTV which if you don’t know is an AMAZING CHANNEL. I love home shows. It’s the housewife in me I suppose. I always want to be cooking, cleaning and watching house shows. WHO AM I? God, I think maybe it's being 29. In any case, I just love looking at new houses and newly decorated spaces. Some people like UFC, I like House Hunters. And now they have House Hunters International which is ALWAYS worth a watch even if you’ve seen it before. Looking inside houses in other awesome countries? IN HD. It’s really quite fabulous.

At one point there was an Asian host – Suzanne Whang. She’s didn’t do anything but introduce the person/people buying the house and make little VOs that consisted of describing the house and making a clever pun every other sentence – examples being: “This place has a backyard that ready for action but a basement that's not quite ready for primetime.” She not physically in any of the newer episodes but her VO is still going strong.

The format is just the easiest thing on earth to not think about. Person/People buying a house. They have 3 choices. They chose one. I have seen it so many times I know the order of things by heart – (it’s a secret dream of mine to one day produce at House Hunters). Intro the couple. They have a shitty living situation and can’t wait to move. Tour of said shitty place. Expectations of their potential dream house and the budget that they are really trying to stick to. Real estate agent on the phone making a deal. Real estate agent saying that the neighborhood the people are looking at is really nice and will definitely be at the top of their price range but said real estate agent is always confident they’ll find something. First house tour – usually 2 things are GREAT and maybe 2 or 3 things are kind of wrong. Sometimes obviously wrong and I’m like what? As in a couple will be like “We really want outside space for our 2 dogs” and then the agent shows them a condo in a highrise with no yard. Commercial break. And we're back with a recap of the 1st house in case you just tuned in and then on to the 2nd house. Commercial break. Recap of first 2 houses then the 3rd house. Then a recap of all 3 houses using more clever word plays on behalf on Ms. Whang. She’s a big fan of the question, “Or will it be a budget BUSTER?” Commercial break. Recap of all 3 houses complete with fun names for the houses like “#1 – Cozy but Noisy” and “#3 - Great commute”. The couple or person gives the pros and cons after each. Then there's a big pause and they say “And the one we chose is….” Ta-da! Cut to some time later when they are moved in and its great because I LOVE BEFORES AND AFTERS.

So there’s House Hunters for you. It's really great on weekday nights when you get home around 1am.

Last night I went to the Monster Ball

2010-07-09T00:08:00.002-04:00

And like Lady Gaga asked me to, I let my freak flag fly.

Once again she put on an amazing show. I went with my concert buddies and we had the best time EVER. Yes we were standing for 4 hours and yes I got woozy and slightly naush towards the end but held it together enough to do the Bad Romance dance. The bottom line is Lady Gaga puts on a GREAT SHOW. It was the Monster Ball and basically it's where I always want to be. You can wear what you want, you can be what you want, there's no judgement and last night I felt like 18,000 other people totally GOT that. I went relatively low key with my outfit choice - gold sequined hotpants and a bow belt but Christos went all out aka complete with face mask and disco ball hat and I'm sure that's why we were asked by the Oprah Winfrey Network producers of a Gaga doc to talk about why we were there and what Gaga means to us.

I've done my fair share of preaching the Gaga gospel so I won't go into it again - if you don't know by now you probably just don't want to know. But you will want to enjoy the pics here

I got really emotional at the end of the show - she was taking her bow with the dancers and she just looked so happy and she was crying and that just set me off. We were all doing the monster claw and she was totally crying. And in that moment I felt like I knew her and that she was my friend who'd made it. I know - insane - but if you're reading this and you're a Gaga faan you'll understand.

In unrelated news, here's a list of things that are on my mind recently:

Kraft mayonnaise just did a brand re-do and it's now know just as Mayo. I feel like this is offensively lazy and kind of in one word describes the world we live in today.
I love the show House Hunters and will be writing a blog post about it soon. I actually already wrote it but if you must know, it was really late at night after a really fun night and sometimes I type in code when I write when I'm in that state. Chalk it up to oops - I'm currently decoding that and will be posting soon.
I have learned and successfully implemented the following from Googling in the past month: how to cook clams and mussels in a delicious white wine garlic sauce, how to shuck oysters, how to make ice cream
I bought an ice cream maker and it only makes half a pint. Aka it's amazing and perfect and takes up no space because you store the bottom part in the freezer and the top part is small. So far I've made chocolate, strawberry, vanilla and salted caramel. They all came out okay except the chocolate and the salted caramel were more Frosty. But still delish.
I still can't stop watching Toddlers and Tiaras. It's in season 3. I don't know if it's because I actually enjoy the show or if I'm just enjoying feeling like a really good person compared to the horrors they showcase in that series
I wish True Blood was on everyday. I also wish that Eric would ask me to invite him in.
Shellfish is changing my life - my next challenge is cooking a whole lobster.....UH-OH. I'm glad I just took the plunge and tried it - I was really nervous with my first batch of clams and mussels. However no one died. And then today I decided to learn to shuck oysters and guess what? It's not that hard!! I did it and I didn't cut myself at all. I even bought an oyster knife - isn't that so adult? Next thing you know I'll have a melon baller and a microplane (oh wait I do.)

Lately I can't stop cooking and cleaning. I swear to god it's like I walk thru my door and I turn into a single housewife. But now I just can't sit and watch TV if I know the floor is dirty in the kitchen or there's dishes. Is this was being on the brink of 30 does to a lady?

Barcelona was AMAZING

2010-06-17T23:16:00.004-04:00

I have 700 pictures.

I'm working on getting those ready for public consumption.

There's so much to say about Barcelona.....I had a great traveling partner, an amazing place to stay, and I met so many cool people! I sang Lady Gaga for people who thought I was a real singer. I danced the night away at a club on the beach and watched the sun come up from the dance floor. I went to Mallorca and ended up in a Catholic parade through old town Palma. Also in Palma - Stacy heard Gaga from 2 blocks away....we followed our ears and danced our way into a bar where we made all these new friends. We had the good fortune to be staying with an old friend who is not only a really fun and awesome person, but also has a really great friends who made our trip really great. I couldn't have asked for a better trip. Great shopping, great weather the entire time except our last day, amazing food. The only weird part was that there are no black people there and I got A LOT of looks. Luckily I love being stared at so I ate that shit up with a spoon and pretended I was a celebrity. Also I wore a different onesie every day....I didn't know life could be so good.

As I said - photos to come. I'm actually having to organize them. But here are a few of my favs:

Gaudi.

Stacy, myself, and our lovely hostess Erin

GLORIA!! (con brandy)

I hate heights.

We're in the parade!

2010-05-26T14:13:00.003-04:00

I leave in 4 days!

I haven't packed! Or learned Catalan Spanish!

Honestly though, I am so excited. Stacy comes to town on Saturday and we're going to have a fantastically awesome New York weekend. And then we're off to Spain for 2 weeks!

Here are some pics of things I will be enjoying.

Also if you're around tomorrow I'm going to do some dancing and some standup at a really fun open mic. It's run by Hi Christina - if you've never been to one of their events you're really missing out. I have been going on the reg and Xtos and I usually premiere our newest Gaga dances there. Jonesing for some youtube footage of the amazing dance moves and floor work? Maybe you'll get lucky and we'll post some later tonight.

Hey look! A blog post!

2010-05-06T16:32:00.005-04:00

Quick or you'll miss it!!

Just kidding.

I'm still here.

I'm not feeling especially verbose so let's do some lists:

LIST ONE:

Things I'm Into Right Now

being skinny (somehow 15 pounds have evaporated and.....its GREAT....and I'm still taking every meal with a side of sour cream....THAIINKYA)
The sale that's happening at Top Shop. I bought 5 things including 3 dresses and a onesie for $23. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR STUDENT ID.
Twitter
writing new jokes
My trip to Spain that happens in 3 weeks and counting
my job
Richard Lawson at Gawker
The Vampire Diaries - IAN SOMERHALDER IS A GOD AMONG MEN.

LIST TWO

Things I Hate Right Now

The oil spill
Justin Bieber's hair
everything about Kim Kardashian
everything about Heidi Montag
Facebook - let's all just agree that IT SUCKS ASS
Anytime between 1pm and 3pm
Firefox on my work PC
Sarah Palin
PCs in general
people who leave voicemails instead of texting

LIST THREE

Music I Like (and if you know what's good for you, you will give a listen to)

Jes Hudak - her EP National Holiday is what my piano pop dreams are made of
B.o.B. - he sounds like Andre 3000 but slightly whiter. But he's black. Best track I've heard so far is Magic - it's B.o.B and Rivers Cuomo and if you don't dance while listening, your heart is too black for me to try and heal
The song "Big Girl Now" by New Kids on the Block ft Lady Gaga. This song makes you NEED TO MOVE IT.
"Money Can't Buy You Class" - its like this amazing drag anthem that actually has no idea its a drag anthem. The lyrics are priceless and the singer? The Always CountLESS Luann from the Housewives of NYC
The newest Christina Aguilera - let's get something straight: I LOVE GAGA but Xtina has been doing the damn thing since 99 so I think the comparisons need to stop. Xtina's got the voice, she's got the moves and she's not trying to be anything that she isn't. AKA I LOVE HER AND PEREZ HILTON CAN EAT SHIT AND DIE.

And that.......was a blog post.

Feel free to google all the things I just talked about since I am a bitch and didn't link anything.

Lots of love,

Brandy

Bragaga website!!

2010-04-27T16:13:00.002-04:00

I made a beautiful new website to showcase BRAGAGA!!!!

Go take a look.

NOW.

xoxo,

Brandy

Finally got a webcam

2010-04-14T21:48:00.002-04:00

.......and used chatroulette.

FYI: I'm over chatroulette

Honestly though

2010-04-13T14:49:00.002-04:00

WHY CAN'T I BLOG???

Sorry it's been so long. Bitch been busy. I love being busy and I hate being busy. I also love that I just bought a pasta maker that's akin to the playdough Fun Factory and I can't wait to be home tonight making fresh noodles!

I know I always promise to write more later. This time I'm mostly for real.

But also know that if you just can't get enough of BRandy Crawford you can follow me on Twitter!

Bragaga was amazing.

2010-03-28T20:26:00.005-04:00

I was out til 5am last night and now here I am, officially 29.

Bragaga happened and was such a success! Everyone who came dressed up and that was the best birthday present I could have gotten. And to top is all off, my brother is in town and two of my best friends from college flew up.

I've been working on my costumes for 2 months and I felt great in all of them. The party went better than I could have ever hoped - everyone was dancing, the DJ was fantastic and the venue was perfect.

I lost count of tequila shots but managed to stay on my feet and dancing til 4am which made me feel both young and awesome. I've so far spent my actual birthday in my apartment with a various assortment of friends watching a varied assortment of television programs, aka my favorite way to spend any day.

Here are a few pics of Bragaga and some albums here and here.

Wish you were there!!!

Kailyn and Amme are amazing.

2010-03-22T10:22:00.001-04:00

How do they know how to make and email videos to me?

BECAUSE THEY ARE MY LITTLE GENIUSES THAT'S WHY.

Enjoy.

BRAGAGA IS IN A WEEK!!!

2010-03-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

I can't even believe it!!

My party is next Saturday and I'm actually in the thick of making my costumes but wanted to let everyone know a few things:

1. Yes there will be lots of pics of Bragaga - there is actually someone come to take amazing pics

2. Yes there will be video of Bragaga - the fashion show, the dances, the magic. There will be video.

If you are in NYC next Saturday 3/27 come to Bragaga!!! YOU WILL BE SO HAPPY YOU DID!!!

Back to work for me!!!

Gaga does it again

2010-03-14T21:10:00.001-04:00

Real blogpost to come but for now enjoy

TELEPHONE by Lady Gaga

It's a little nsfw so just remember: "I told you she didn't have a dick."

I live to dance

2010-03-02T23:23:00.002-05:00

And also, unrelated, I just mastered my new sewing machine.

BRAGAGA is in 25 days and there's much to do costume wise to prepare. I'll be undergoing 5 costume changes and I'm pretty much making all 5 costumes from scratch. I bought a sewing machine and tonight I got down to business. Earlier today I got pattern paper from Mood and felt very Project Runway. Then with the HBO TV movie Temple Grandin in the background I did something I haven't done since middle school - I drew. With a pencil. On paper. Then I cut. And pinned. And then after staring at the sewing machine manual for what seemed like an hour, it finally clicked and I started sewing.

Oh, and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. (PS I won't be posting pics because if you want to see the costumes you have to COME TO BRAGAGA)

Is this what it was like in the olden days when women were only good for cooking and sewing? What joy! I am so into the whole housewife thing but I don't really want the husband or the kids. So I guess I just want to be unemployed and somehow not broke but able to sew and cook to my heart's content.

But back to dancing.

I love to dance and surprisingly, I used to be really embarrassed for anyone to see me do it. All through high school I only danced in the privacy of my bedroom because I thought my moves were lame and not black enough. (Not being "black enough" is a recurring theme from childhood to be discussed in subsequent blog posts and probably therapy for the rest of my life) My family made fun of me frequently saying I had no rhythm and I'm a natural klutz so I kept my dancing private. Once we were all doing the Tootsie Roll and everyone else did the butterfly part so well and my legs just wouldn't move like that and hahaha there's Brandy trying again.

I did theater through my teens so I did dancing then and I would do silly dances with my friends but I never really busted a move because I didn't think I was good enough. Then college came and I was around people who had no idea about my lame moves. My first night out on the town was at this incredibly awful club in Athens called AMF but at the time they let 18 year olds in and looked the other way when said 18 year olds placed their orders for a few rounds of some Sex On The Beach. I was with some girls from my hall who would eventually become my best friends but at the time they were strangers. Strangers who had yet to make fun of my voice or anything else about me. In fact, they were strangers who thought I was the cool one. So we went to AMF and I danced for the first time in front of other people. The Vengaboys song We Like To Party was the current jam du jour on the Athens club scene and I rocked it out to every line and found that I didn't give a shit who thought I looked stupid. I was having fun and that's what mattered. To me at least.

So now I dance. I still don't have the best moves. But I have my moves. And if there's good music playing I will bring those moves out until it stops. And then I'll put on my iPod and dance some more. I dance at my desk sometimes, I dance when I walk down the street. When the music moves a betch, it moves a betch.

In kind of related and kind of not news: I looked at my top 25 played songs on my iTunes and it's all Lady Gaga with the exception of Hard by Rihanna and Million Dollar Bill by Whitney.

I just can't stop being obsessed. #Oops.

(Get hip with the trending # - it's getting to a point that with some of my friends, one in particular, our convos consist of nothing but #this and #that. And guess what? #iloveit)

Oh....my family STILL makes fun of my dancing. But I do it anyway. You only live once and I think you should dance for as much of that life as possible.

A Rant Addressed To People Who Think Having A Baby Makes Them Awesome

2010-02-18T12:41:00.005-05:00

Recently it's come to my attention that some people in New York who have babies think they are better than me. They think that since they made the decision to have kids and I made the decision to be child-free that this makes them somehow just a teeny bit more awesome than I am.

Um.....no.

Here's some bullet points you should have a deep think about the next time you start to think your baby is so great:

No one cares about your kid. Sorry. I know you are thinking "But my baby is so wonderful. Emma is so smart - already knows her colors." No one gives a fuck about Emma and her colors. I have a beautiful niece named Madisyn and I think she is the prettiest thing on the planet. But I don't expect everyone else to think that. So please remember - you think that Charlotte is just amazing. The average viewing public can't tell Charlotte from Jacob.

Bars are not for children. EVER. Adults come to bars to get wasted. Bars are places where being inappropriate is the norm. It's okay to say fuck and bitch and even cunt if you are looking for a fight. Your kids should be in a play group. Not whining about how they want more sprite mommy while I'm having my third shot of tequila. I never want to hear a child's whimpering as I take a drink. I have lived for almost 29 years - I should be able to have a drink at a bar without worrying about offending your kid. Why? BECAUSE YOUR KID SHOULDN'T BE IN A BAR. Why don't you flash foward 20 years to the therapy you're going to have to pay for little Emily because your idea of a good time was to take her out to different bars in Brooklyn and yell at other patrons for being a bad influence on the perfection that is your child.

Not all babies are cute. In fact most babies aren't cute. People only tell you they think your baby is cute because its a response that usually will make the parent shut the fuck up fishing for compliments.

Big strollers suck and make non breeders automatically assume when they see a mommy with one of these tanks that said mommy is a selfish bitch since she obviously are okay with her Mini Cooper sized stroller taking over the entire sidewalk and she gives mean looks when someone forgets to hold the door for you at Pier 1 because said someone is on her cell phone talking happily with her single friends about the crazy trouble they will get into on Friday night and how happy she is to be in her 20s and having the time of her life. Sorry if she didn't have time to hold the door for you. Can't win 'em all.

Never think you are better than someone just because you have a baby right now. Why? Because in about 14 years you're going to have a teenager.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm ranting but I don't hate your kids. In fact, I mostly like all kids. And yes your kid is special. To you.

So never assume that they have to be special to the whole world. That's something those little motherfuckers have to earn.

Funny stuff

2010-02-11T07:16:00.003-05:00

I decided this year that I will start doing comedy again. I wasn't feeling inspired but now I am and I'm ready to be on stage again. Last night I watched a great doc on Showtime about the evolution of black comedy and after watching it was kind of like "Of course I need to be doing comedy. What am I sitting around for?" I don't have dreams of selling out huge arenas but the thought of making even just a few people laugh warms my heart. Seeing the men and women who came before me who gave me the chance to sit around and wonder do I want to or not--amazing. I am a black woman who can choose for herself whether or not she wants to get on stage and if I choose to do it, I can. I can perform in front of a mixed audience at a club like Comic Strip NY or Caroline's because people like Dick Gregory and Moms Mabley went through some hellish circumstances to get blacks out in front.

I feel removed from the civil rights movement sometimes and I think a lot of young black people my age feel the same way. I've felt the cold sting of racism but I have never been immersed in it. It's a passing thing - a mean cop, a cashier at the grocery store who doesn't want to touch my hand. For a flash of a moment I feel what so many must have felt back in the day But I've always had white friends and felt a little out of place in the black world. That probably has to do with my voice. I have a white voice and although now it's fine and I've accepted it, from ages 7 to 13 it wasn't fine at all and I got picked on alot. Oddly enough, I was picked on by black girls which has led to black girl "issues" that I still have today. I was never "black" enough for them. I liked to read, I liked to do plays, I liked coming to school. These were all the wrong things to like and the scars from those mean old bitches saying stuff to me like "Why you trying to be white?" and "you ain't never gone have no black friends talking like that. WE don't want to hang out with you." When I meet a black woman today, I have to immediately tell myself, "Bran, you're a grownup - she's not making fun of your voice."

I don't look back on those years that sadly though-I made some really great friends and from them I learned that it doesn't really matter what the few say. My friends liked me. And by the time high school started, those girls who were mean to me in my preteen years were getting pregnant and dropping out like flies. I hate when stereotypes are reinforced but in the case of those betches.....I was okay with it.

One of my biggest comedy fears is doing comedy in front of an all-black audience. I kind of close up inside thinking about it. It's like I already assume that people will hate my voice and think my comedy is cheesy. I know right? Where's that Brandy Crawford confidence? The Brandy Crawford who doesn't give a shit and always thinks she's the prettiest and the funniest? Well I'm trying to get that Brandy to come out and send nervous Brandy packing. My newest goal is to perform at a black comedy show this year and at least get a couple of laughs. That's all I'm looking for. Seeing all those amazing black comedians in the doc last night made me so proud - Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Robin Harris and Redd Foxx are some of my comedy inspirations. My parents loved black comedy and they passed on that love to their kids. We were always watching Richard Pryor be insane or Eddie Murphy cussing up a storm. I watched so much Eddie Murphy standup in elementary school, I could quote it on demand to my friends at school. (Which was fun because there was so much cursing). I still think that Robin Harris is one of the funniest comedians of all time. His humor reminds me of my dad and I learned everything I know about comedy from my dad - he's the funniest man I know - black or white. So much of my childhood was spent laughing.

Here's a clip of Robin Harris doing some funny stuff. If you haven't heard of him, get thee to youtube. You'll laugh a lot - I promise you.

I've been watching a lot of comedy in the past few weeks trying to figure out where I fit in. I'm not vulgar, I'm not self deprecating, I don't hate men, I like my body and for the most part I'm pretty happy in my life. I'm lonely sometimes but it's a good lonely....I have the rest of my life to be married and have kids. This time now - this time is for me. So I'm not your typical comedian I suppose because I love myself and I don't want to get on stage to fuck with people,. among other reasons. I just love laughing and I love sharing my human experience. What I like most about comedy is when I tell a joke or a story and I hear a surprise laugh - a laugh that says to me "Oh shit girl, that happens to me too!"

My little monsters do Gaga

2010-02-05T12:37:00.003-05:00

Enjoy!!!

Fav parts - everything Madisyn does, Kailyn's complete concentration, and Amme's dance with the chair.

LOVE MY GIRLS!!!

Brandy Crawford's Standup is NOW ONLINE

2010-02-01T23:19:00.006-05:00

I did it!!

Finally!!

After 2 weeks of getting really frustrated and giving up!!

I posted my comedy online!!

Here are 2 videos for your enjoyment.

I figured out how to compress. Yay google!!!

So watch this and maybe laugh a little for me? This is my newest short set and I did a couple of new jokes. Hope you enjoy!

PS

2010-02-01T13:44:00.002-05:00

I promise to stop blogging so much about Gaga. There is actual other stuff going on in my life.

Including the fact that I hate Youtube. I have been trying to post my standup for like a week now and it just won't upload. It's hard for me to not throw my computer into the wall and then throw up on it everytime it gets to 1 hour remaining and the upload cancels.

I'm trying to be strong.

But seriously.

I hate youtube.

Watch this now.

2010-02-01T13:41:00.002-05:00

Gaga. Elton. Grammys.

PERFECTION.

In other news, Gaga and I have the same birthday so I'm having a kind of ridick amazing costume ball on 3/27/10. I have a location. I have a DJ. I started buying pieces for my 5 (at least) costume changes for the night of.

BraGaga 2010
The Little Monsters Costume Ball
3/27/2010
NYC

It's going to be OUT OF THIS WORLD.

Invitation to come!!!

Last night Gaga changed my life

2010-01-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

What an amazing show. And you know what? Amazing doesn't even do justice to what the Monster Ball at Radio City was for me last night.

First off, we sat second row and I can basically never see Gaga again unless I am that close. It was out of control fantastic. GAGA AND I MADE EYE CONTACT AT LEAST 3 TIMES!!!!! She looked so great and so real. And the bitch SANG EVERY SONG. She sounded...god what other word can I use besides amazing?

I attended the concert with the fabulous Yasmina, Brian and Christos. I couldn't have asked for better concert buddies. We each danced and sang along to every song. ALL FIFTEEN OF THEM. We got there ten minutes before Gaga went on and let me tell you--when you sit in the front rows you get MUCHO RESPECT from ushers. I was LOVING IT. I didn't see any celebs by us but we were literally 2nd row CENTER. Talk about the best seats ever. I WAS IN ONE.

She sang every song that I love with the exception of Paper Gangsta and I was okay with that one being omitted. I like to think of Paper Gangsta as me and Gaga's song and I was glad she didn't share a live performance with everyone.

One of many awesome things she said:

"This is a free place - a place for my little monsters to be themselves"

I have never felt more free in a place. Gaga fans are so great because to be a Gaga fan you have to be accepting. So there was no "omg her dress is gross and what is that headband?"It was "this place rocks!! Hey girl!! GAGA FOREVER!!!"

Here are some pics because words can't really describe. Click here for the photo album and here's some of my favs below.

4 little monsters on their way to the ball

Want your bad romance

Watch your heart when we're together, boy's like you love me forever

show me your teeth.

She left me speechless.

If you haven't bought the album The Fame or The Fame Monster - buy on Sunday 1/24 from ladygaga.com. Everything sold from the website that day will go to Haiti.

She's so fucking amazing.

Thank you Gaga. Thank you so much.

Just hear me out.

2010-01-19T22:57:00.003-05:00

I love pop music. I always have. In 3rd grade I was so obsessed with the New Kids on the Block I literally prayed every night that their tour bus would break down on my street. Because of course that would logically lead to them staying the night in my house which naturally results in Joey M and I sharing a room and those prankster bandmates of his putting us in a "French kissing position" so that in order to break apart we'd have to....french kiss.

But anyway....I've always loved a bubblegum beat--I like songs that make me smile and make me want to walk a little faster because maybe there's a party around the corner.

This brings me to my current obsession and her name is Gaga. I just don't understand people who can't get behind her. The Fame is an amazing album and The Fame Monster.....Gaga is actually otherworldly. I used to pride myself on not buying a CD unless I liked at least 3 tracks. I actually love all 23 songs she's put out. Even the ones I don't outright adore, I don't skip in my All Gaga playlist.

I wasn't a fan at first. I liked Just Dance--no one can deny: it's a really fun song. Poker Face was catchy and made me want to dance. But I still thought she was weird and contrived and a drag queen. Then came Paparazzi and that crazy ass video and a little monster (gaga for "fan") was born. Something about the Paparazzi hook really resonated with me and I suggest for beginning Gaga fans that you start with Paparazzi from the Fame and Speechless from the Fame Monster. Speechless is maybe one of the best songs ever. Period. It's hard to listen to it and not be touched and I can't think of another song that triggers that kind of emotion in me except for maybe Yesterday.

I don't really talk about music often because for most of my life I've always caught shit for the music I listen to. The black kids made fun of me for listening to Celine Dion and the white kids thought I was lame because I didn't like Radiohead. I can't even really say definitively that pop is my genre of choice. Because while I adore it, I also really like jazz and country and gospel and rap. But now I'm a grownup and I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and I could give a shit if someone doesn't like the music that I like.

But I really feel the need to spread the word about Gaga.

She's just so refreshing. She keeps her personal life private and I think that's really awesome. I love her songs, I don't need to know who she's fucking. I feel like she's just about her music. Gaga is Gaga not Stefani Last name I don't remember. And her songs are really fantastic. It infuriates me that DJs don't play more of it. You can put on a mix of The Fame and The Fame Monster and you have a dance party--just hit play and shuffle. If you haven't learned the Bad Romance dance you should get on it because it's maybe this years Macarena. And I don't know about you but after the demon that was 2009, I think 2010 needs a Macarena.

So while I'm on the "let me tell you a thing or two about music sonny" kick here are some other albums you should have a listen to:

Rihanna - Rated R: I think that they're saying this album is getting bad reviews. Well "they" are full of shit because this album is amazing. I think it's Rihanna being kind of raw and saying to hell with it, I'll do what I want and I love that. It's also an amazing breakup album especially if you were the one who got screwed. Key tracks are Hard which is so empowering and makes me feel like I can kick so much ass and Cold Case Love--her voice is so well suited for this song, I don't know if it will ever make it to the radio but I think it's some of the best singing I've eveer heard her do. Fun dance tracks are Rude Boy which should a gay bar anthem already and Rockstar--you can't not move when it's on and feel like a badass. My top fav track is Fire Bomb. It shows the crazy and I love the crazy.

Ke$ha - Animal: I've shouted out to Kesha before but I will do it again because this morning I listened to an NPR interview with her and she said she was in the marching band, unprovoked. Anyone who admits they were in marching band without specifically having been asked is Good People. I've had her album for a couple of weeks now and I'm nowhere close to being sick of it. Her songs are really catchy and really funny. My top tracks are Take It Off--this song makes me want to be drunk and dancing on a table in a bar that smells like tequila, Stephen--named for the actual boy who dissed her, this one is ballad-ish and hilarious, and Animal--because it reminds me of a prom scene in an 80s movie when everyone realizes, "This has been such a great night and we have our whole lives in front of us guys!" And of course everyone knows Tik Tok. Is it wrong that I let Kailyn and Amme watch that video so many times? They loved the song. Kailyn asked me, "Bran why does she brush her teeth with Jack? Is Jack like Crest?"

And lest you think that I'm up too high on my music snob wannabee horse, my first CD and still one of my favorite CDs is a little album called Breathless but a pretty suburb saxophonist named Kenny G. And I'm not afraid to let the world know about that. I think Kenny G is the bomb and I do recall on many occasions saying that I'd love to have him play at my wedding. And at any other important event in my life which may or may not include 2nd and 3rd marriages, birthdays, and "I just need a little soprano sax music" days.

Favorite track below.

(No I'm not kidding.)

So let's give it up for pop in 2010. I hope that Gaga is setting the bar for new artists and I know that her 3rd album (to be released later this year) will be something totally new but still incredibly awesome. Official fan for life right here.

Oh and ps TOMORROW I AM SEEING HER LIVE AT RADIO CITY IN THE SECOND ROW.

That's right--you read that right SECOND ROW!!!!!!!

Beyond excited and sometimes when I think about it I have to stop because I can't breathe.

afternoon surprise

2010-01-14T23:25:00.004-05:00

So I moved to a new desk at work today. I was in the middle of unpacking all my former cube stuff into my new cube and listening to my Gaga/Ke$ha/Rihanna playlist on low when I feel a big chunk of snot come out of my nose. I grab a tissue and blot. I then see that it's not snot. It's blood. And now it's pouring out of my nose. The tissue was soaked. I run to the bathroom praying that no one sees me with my bloody hand over my nose. It was sick. There was blood in my mouth, in the hand. Thank GOD it didn't get on my shirt or jeans--just my Wal-Mart uggs. I make it to the bathroom with no one seeing me (I hope) and there I preceded to freak the fuck out.

I do not get nosebleeds. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I got a full-on nosebleed. And no I haven't done in nose candy treats--if I had I wouldn't be blogging about this OR freaking out about it because I would have been like goddamn that eight ball. So I freak out because I'm not a person who ever really gets sick even. Embarrassing confession: I had perfect attendance from kindergarten to graduation. In my old age, I've been prone to colds more but at most I'm out for only a day or so.

So I freaked out and I'm just going through paper towels like they're made of air or something. I'm positive that I'm going to die and all I can think is, "I can't believe I'm going to bleed to death at work. This is such a surprise." It was so scary. And since I was freaking out I did was any freaked out youngish single adult in New York would do.

I called my roommate.

Her advice was to just tilt my head back and calm down because "people get nosebleeds Brandy, it's okay." Then one of my coworkers came in and was so super nice to me--she went to the kitchen and got me ice and napkins and suggested that I lay on the couch in the bathroom with my head back. "I have an 8-year-old--this one is not that bad." I'd like to note that since I am so completely unfamiliar with what to do in a nosebleed situation, I'd never even thought of tilting my head back or laying on the couch. I was hyperventilating instead and staring at my crazy bloody face in the mirror and explaining to the girl washing her hands when I burst in that I was not contagious or anything and that I promised to clean up any spilled blood.

I never want to have another nosebleed again.

Especially not at work.

In unrelated but important and sad news if you haven't already and you can, please donate to the Haiti relief effort. I don't even know how to feel about what's going on down there. It's like to feel sad just isn't enough.

And for the record, the terrible things that awful conservative assholes have been saying about it make me want to believe in the crazy evangelical Christian version of hell.

In happier news, thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night!! It was a really good time and I felt good on stage. God I love having a microphone in my hand.

Don't call me Gaga. Call me Yaya.

2010-01-10T12:03:00.006-05:00

Basically in 2010 I am turning into a Greek Yaya. That's foreign for Grandma. All I want to do is knit things to keep people warm and cook large meals that involve me being in the kitchen for at least 3 to 4 hours. I want people to come over and I have this need to feed.

Yaya Crawford

I can't say that I mind. I've always enjoyed cooking but I was a recipe whore. I needed to follow the recipe exactly or I would be freaking out. Somewhere in the last few months, I've stopped using recipes and somehow I now just know how much salt is too much or how much oil is too little. I live for the Essex Street market. The thought of a dozen large eggs for $1.49 and eggplant for 49 cents a pound--these are things that make my heart leap for joy. I bought a really nice stock pot at Macys and literally thought I was going to lose my shit in the Cellar. All I wanted was EVERYTHING that Martha Stewart makes.

I made 6 of these over the break.

It's Sunday and I'm going to be making a big meal today. I don't know what it will be yet since I had quite the crazy night and I don't think I can realistically leave this couch for another hour at least. But it will be a meal partly in celebration of Sunday and partly in celebration of committing another year of my life to my current apartment. My roommate and I just decided to sign our lease for another year together. That means year 6 of Brandy in Alphabet City starts in March. It's crazy to think that I have been with my roommate for SIX YEARS. This is longer than I've lived with anyone ever and I'll tell you the secret to a longlasting roommate relationship:

You have to be able to talk or not talk for hours. And be okay with that. My roommate and I can sit on our couches for hours watching TV and being on our computers not saying a word to each other. The best relationships are with people you can be comfortably quiet around.

Here's what else is going on:

I have a comedy show on Wednesday!! If you are in NYC you should come! It's at Comic Strip Live on 2nd Ave btn 81st and 82nd Street. Starts at 830--let the person at the door know you are here to see Brandy Crawford!!
Ke$ha. I downloaded her album this week and I recommend you do the same. It's only 6.99 on itunes and it's a REALLY fun hour. She's a crazy young party girl and she warms my heart. With lyrics like "I threw up in a closet and I don't really care" and "Just turn around boy and let me hit that" how can you NOT have a good time while listening? She is currently beating Gaga in the charts and while you KNOW my love for Gaga isn't going anywhere, I am having a full on affair with Ke$ha.
GAGA IS IN 13 DAYS. I bought a new dress. I know the Bad Romance dance like I know walking. IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING.
Did you buy the Fame Monster yet? Get on that.

And here are some pictures from the Gaga photoshoot I did with Kailyn and Amme and Madisyn. Just know that this is only the tip of the iceberg with the cuteness

I have a computer again!!

2010-01-04T23:02:00.002-05:00

And can I say that getting this baby back was a really emotional experience for me. I turned it on at Tekserve to make sure that it was working and when she powered up and made that mac sound that says "Hi I'm working!"....I almost lost it.

I know now how parents must feel when they see their kids after awhile away.

So she's back and the keyboard is great. No trace of baby vom. I also find it a little strange that the guy at Tekserve told me he's never had someone come in who had baby vomit damage. I guess it makes me feel a little special that every employee was grossed out by my poor comp and probably had to draw straws to choose who had to work it. Little did they know it would be totally clean because I'm the one who had to clean up the computer, the baby AND the couch and carpet. Infinitely worse than wearing plastic gloves to replace a pop out keyboard.

But anyway. The important thing is that they did a great job with my biohazard of a computer and I am very happy to have her back in my life.

There was a vom problem.

2009-12-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'd love to write more but I'm blogging on work time so I have to be short.

Here's my Christmas in bullet points that will hopefully explain why I haven't blogged about my christmas yet:

My roommate and I hosted out 5th Annual Holiday Happy Hour. I have a lot of pics and you'll find out in another bullet point why you aren't seeing them
Had a fantastic flight home and hung out with my little monsters all day--Madisyn can talk now, Kailyn and Amme are obsessed with Gaga and they all LOVE TO DANCE
Saw my best friend from ages 9 -18 for the first time in almost 10 years. It was like no time had passed at all
On Christmas Eve I babysat 4 kids ages 8, 5, 18 months and 8 months. The 18 month old (Madisyn) threw up on my computer and the delete and enter keys ceased to function. I managed to not hyperventilate and die on the spot. How could I when pour Madisyn was covered in her own vom and kept saying "sorry Mommy. I sorry Mommy"
Christmas was fantastic. I have a new stepmom and stepsister and the transition went smoothly. I saw all my family members from both sides and I wore my newly tailored Zac Posen and looked really skinny. It was a good day
Kailyn and Amme reenacting to the entire bad romance video
The Doodebug/rape incident (way funnier than it sounds and it deserves its own blog post)
It was so great to see everyone including my newest cousin Bella (just wait--you will die when you see her and HATE my family for producing one stunning looking kid after the other.
Finally, after not freaking out and calmly cleaning barf from the upper right hand side of my ibook keyboard, I took it to tekserv as soon as I got back to the city yesterday. At first a very mean girl there told me it would cost a shitload of money to repair. But then I took it to the service guy and he made my world a better place by charging me $121.
I won't have a comp back until Monday so that's why you won't be hearing from me probably until the new year.

HAPPY END OF 2009!!! The best quote I've heard so far describing this year comes from a friend of a friend's facebook status: "2009 was possessed by demons"

So let's hope no one else dies before January 1st!!

Happy New Year!!!!! Can't wait for 2010--I have a lot in store and you're going to be VERY happy you read my blog and knew me when.

It snowed!!

2009-12-20T17:02:00.002-05:00

And last night I walked home in an actual blizzard and it was really fun. I walked from the west village back to the east side along Bleecker Street. The snow was still white and fluffy and glittery and untouched. I was in a new pantsuits but I was prepared with rain boots so I stepped into lots of piled up snowdrifts just for the hell out it. The southern girl in me will always be fascinated and amazed and surprised by snow--especially lots of it.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is on now and I'm cuddled on the couch wearing the Lula hoop I just finished knitting. The Christmas tree is lit and the space heater is on and the heat pipe is hissing. My roommate is singing off key carols along to 106.7 in the bathroom. I leave New York on Tuesday for a weeklong trip home and I'm relishing my last winter moments of 2009.

A few thoughts on Gone With The Wind

2009-12-15T23:53:00.003-05:00

I just finished watching it in its entirety on Turner Classic Movies. I haven't watched it the whole way through probably since 8th grade. In the south Gone With The Wind is the go-to movie to leave with substitute teachers so I saw it a lot during grades K-8.

Watching it as an adult I see many things that I didn't as a preteen:

I could have learned so much about game-playing from Scarlett--she really knew what was up
Rhett could have had a little more compassion at the end right? Yes, Scarlett was a bitch and went to Ashley right in front of him, but cut her some slack--she'd just seen her only child die and her cousin was currently dying in the next room. Couldn't they have slept on it?
Was Melanie secretly a huge bitch? Did she and Ashley talk so much shit about Scarlett when she wasn't around?
Ashley is the DEFINITION of Guy You Shouldn't Marry--he is so sketch and Melanie deserved better. She was awesome.
Can I please get a Rhett Butler up in my life? HE WAS SO GOOD TO SCARLETT.
I think that Scarlett probably hooked up with Ashley at least once after the story we see ends.
Always hard for me to watch something in which black people are routinely referred to as darkies and I can't believe I just now noticed that they say it so much during the movie.
Prissy is the GREATEST HOUSEGIRL EVER

Seeing a movie about the south made me excited for Georgia next week!

Brandy and Christos ON TV!!!!

2009-12-09T15:13:00.001-05:00

Today Christos and I were exactly where we always need to be--on TV. We were picked up in an Escalade this morning and we had our own green room. And we got hair and makeup and the guy told me that my eyes that I did myself--looked amazing.

WE WERE ON WENDY WILLIAMS!!!

She is awesome and I am totally in love with her!! And we saw Miss Piggy. Oh and KIM THE ATLANTA HOUSEWIFE performed live. She also said hi to us before because her green room was right next to ours. It's weird to see a person in the flesh who you talk a lot of shit about when you see them on TV. But after meeting her in person--I'm on Team Kim!!!

Oh and here's the clip:

I LOVE BEING ON TV!!!!

Omg the aughts are almost over

2009-12-08T00:24:00.003-05:00

And I'm just now realizing what that means. A decade has passed. I didn't really notice the significance of a decade when I was 18. There was all the hoopla over the century change but I didn't really get it.

Now I think I do. 10 years changes a person.

In the fall of 1999 I had just started college and for the first time in my life I was in control of my own life. I could stay out as long as I wanted, I could eat Lucky Charms for lunch, I could walk around in bare feet (we had an "always wear houseshoes" policy in the home of my youth) . I even had my own checking account. My goals then included convincing my parents that they did want to pay for spring break taking as few classes as possible while still qualifying for my Hope scholarship.

Fast forward to 2009. I'm 28 and I've been living in New York for 6 years. Somewhere around 26 I realized that life is very different from what you believe when you are young and dreaming. I noticed recently that I don't write in my journal as much. I got my first diary when I was 7 and I consistently kept a journal until around 25 or 26. My high school journal entries were full of the (well written and heart filled) ravings of a very self-centered and very naive girl. It was all about me--my parents were so unfair to me, why didn't my crush like me back. Looking back I can see that my parents overprotectiveness is what got me through high school--god only knows what would have happened if I'd discovered how much fun partying is at age 14. And my crush? Well he was gay and dealing with his own self image issues that I can't even imagine. And yet there I was being a typical kid and thinking everyone's out to get me. And there was the usual, "When I get my big break I can't wait to get out of this town." and "When I'm famous, they'll see" But that When was still so far away.

But around my mid 20s that When started being my now. I remember playing pretend with my cousins and saying that oh of course by 25 we will be married and have kids. Oh my god, I used to say, I never want to be an old mom. And then somehow I was 25. And kids and a husband were the last thing on my mind.

And now I'm 28 and 30 is breathing down my neck and I'm all at once amazed and afraid because a whole decade has passed and I remember graduating from high school like it happened a few months ago. Yet I know I'm a totally different person than the girl who rang in the year 2000 wearing a hologram patterned dress watching Ten Things I Hate About You with her high school best friends--just pizza and cokes and lots of laughing.

Aging is a crazy thing. I hate that I see those crazy realistic war video games set to punk rock soundtracks and think, "God the stuff the kids today have." Or when I'm talking to Kailyn and she mentions a song she loves on the radio and I've never heard it. She's young and doesn't know how to mask emotions yet so I always hear the slight annoyed sigh in her voice when she explains to me that no it's not the same as Lil Wayne. It's the same tone I get with my grandmother when she asks for the tenth time, "What do you mean the at sign? What's the sign called?"

Also I might add that I started the decade with a Nokia bar phone--one of the ones you could change the faces on--I had a blue one and a silver one. I usually left it in my car glove compartment and when I was giving my number out to guys I would have never thought to give him that number. I'd never sent a text message and my email address was mostly for show.

I'm ending the decade with a Blackberry that's permanently attached to my right hand. I'm constantly checking email and I actually get annoyed when people call me instead of text me. I would never in a million years consider having a landline. (Stop trying to convince me Time Warner I don't want your triple play!)

Funny what 10 years can do to a girl.

An Open Letter To Stephen King

2009-12-02T20:08:00.004-05:00

Dear SK

Stephen King you make everything better.

I discovered you in 6th grade. My brother and I would spend a weekend with my Dad's mom every month or so. These weekend trips were part awesome/part sucky. Sucky because my grandmother is a fiend about cleaning so her house is a showplace, and when you are 11 and 7 respectively, that's not what your life is about. But awesome because Dad would give us each $20 for our trouble and $20 to this 6th grader was a fortune. Grandma Jessie's 2 favorite stores are JCPenney and WalMart. JCPenney is resereved for things like Christmas gifts. WalMart was for our weekend trips. The best thing about Grandma Jessie and WalMart is that she didn't pay attention to anything so my brother and I could really spend our $20 on whatever we wanted.

That one winter weekend back in 1992 I spent $5.99 of my $20 on a little book of yours called Carrie.

Since maybe 4th grade I had been obsessed with the darker side of life. I loved scary movies and books and I absolutely loved writing scary stories. In 5th grade my best friend Katie and I teamed up and I wrote the scary stories and she drew the illustrations. One I definitely remember was about a girl who's sister gets sucked into hell and when she comes back out she's possessed and proceeds to kill her whole family. There was a line that read "Teresa looked over the bush" and Katie was like "do you know what a bush is?" And that's how I learned that.

But back to my love affair with you SK.

I bought Carrie and I was done with it by the time my parents picked us up on Sunday. 2 things happened after that. 1) I started spending Tuesdays at the library (that was the only day it was open til 9 instead of 6--my mom didn't get home til 630) 2) I managed to work my way through every Stephen King book there by the time I reached 7th grade.

The summers of 1993-1996 were Stephen King Summers. I discovered The Stand in 7th grade and it became a tradition to read it every June. Sometimes I want to be Fran. Tom Cullen? That's my boy. And deaf Nick? Love affair SK. LOVE AFFAIR. The stories from Night Shift and Skeleton Crew got me through days when I was over my friends, over my family and over school. There's nothing like a story about an actual boogeyman to make a girl feel okay again. When I felt left out and different and I was being teased because my voice was too white, I could open up Salem's Lot and be glad that at least my town wasn't full of homicidal vampires. I left behind Ann M Martin and Judy Blume and fell into the waiting arms of The Tommyknockers and The Dark Half. My family uprooted me to a new town and school but I could always escape to the Overlook Hotel or over to Little Tall Island.

SK you address your readers in your intros as Dear Constant Reader. And that is exactly what I am.

I can honestly say that I've read every book you've ever written with the exception of the Dark Tower series. I'm not into sci-fi but I'm not saying I won't give those a chance. If anyone can make me like sci-fi, it's you SK.

Under The Dome came in the mail yesterday and I'm already 150 pages in. I love you for writing another long book--I saw that it was over 1000 pages and I had to actually tell myself to slow down and not just devour the thing whole. (I get insane about books--I'm sure you understand) I'm already invested in the strange goings on in Chester's Mill and am now secretly kind of afraid of crushing my face into a force field with every step I take. I love your books that have a lot of characters!! The creepy Mr. Leland Gaunt and his store Needful Things still happily haunt my dreams sometimes. My favorite of your newer books is Lisey's Story--I cried throughout the last half and the word "piebald" makes my skin crawl.

So....in short...thank you for writing. Your books are awesome and I will actually fight anyone who says otherwise.

xoxo

Brandy

PS I miss Castle Rock. How about just one more story?

You need this album

2009-11-17T14:27:00.002-05:00

I have one thing to say and I never thought I'd say it:

Lady Gaga is actually amazing and you need to have her album.

She is re-releasing her debut album The Fame along with 8 new tracks--this little EP is called The Fame Monster. You guys, she is SO talented and her songs are fun to dance to and also carry a great message for today's youth. I wish there were more artist like Gaga. Yes I hate her weirdness but I'm starting to love it more and more because I love her music and I think that it's awesome that she just does what she wants even if it includes wearing a dress made of Kermit.

Thanks to an AMAZING friend of mine I'm seeing Gaga up close and personal on January 21st at Radio City. Life is good right now. Life is good.

Monday Blues Solution

2009-11-16T15:25:00.004-05:00

Watch this

Happy now right?

PS: From ages 5- 7 I honestly believed that I would become Jem if my mom would just get the damned earrings for me. Then I got them. And they didn't work. And I was over Jem and back to Barbie. Barbie didn't sell crap earrings that don't make holograms. I could trust Barbie and back in 1988 I needed toys that I could trust.

I had no idea

2009-11-15T10:46:00.005-05:00

That Barbie and Ken broke up in 2004.....

And Barbie left Ken for this guy.....he's Australian.

His name is Blaine.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one with a very specific type.

A few celebrity* quotes that explain how I feel these days

2009-11-13T20:05:00.006-05:00

"I went to sleep Rihanna and woke up Britney Spears." - Rihanna

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." - Kate Moss

"I'm a free bitch baby." Lady Gaga

"ON THE PHONE W THIS FAT CHICK.....WHERER MY IHOP" - Rodney Bradford*

me right now

* 15 minutes-of-fame normal people included in the definition of "celebrity"

Brandy's Bacon Bits

2009-11-13T19:20:00.002-05:00

Bacon bits are little pieces of deliciousness that make anything better. (in my opinion.) They're just this little bit of wow that bring a smile to my face. I've been told for ages by my friends that I give very sound advice. So now I want to give YOU advice! I'm starting an advice column because 1) I've always wanted an advice column and 2) I love giving advice (I'm a vain person deal with it)

So if you can send any burning questions to me and you don't have to put your name, you can use your sketch fake email address (we all have one), and I'll try my best to give you a sane and life-changing (for the better) response. I will be totally real and honest with you and I promise this isn't a big joke.

And if your question is REALLY awesome, it might get posted here. Then it will show up in a google search and maybe help more people!!

You can email me here: brandybaconbitsATgmail.com

Can't wait to hear from you!!

I try to be a drinker.

2009-11-13T19:16:00.001-05:00

Alcohol and I don't mix.

I mean, I try to make it happen. After about 8 years of disastrous experimentation in college and then here in NYC, I've finally discovered that I can drink gin and tonics without too much trouble. But more than 2 1/2 and we have a problem. Tuesday night, I had 4 gin and tonics. And a shot of Patron. Which is why around 1:45 Wednesday morning, I was standing on Houston Street vomming into the green patch around a little tree in the sidewalk near Ridge Street. To make this story even more awesome, a very nice guy was walking me home and I don't know if you've ever had to say, "Hey I'm going to throw up right now can you please turn around and not watch or listen? Thanks!!" but it's REALLY embarrassing.

But I did have a really fun night that included great company, fun secret NY places, and a new friendship with a doorman at one of those secret places that I'm hoping will guarantee me entrance anytime I want to go there.

amazing.

2009-11-12T15:16:00.001-05:00

I have a real blog post coming at you tonight but for now I am obsessed with the song Dance In The Dark. I think it's amazing and Lady Gaga is the shit. I hate her a little for her youth but her talent is real and undeniable. This is one of the best songs I've heard in a long time. Listen to the words because Gaga is spitting some truth right here that needs to be heard

2 things concerning Christos

2009-11-04T13:39:00.004-05:00

1. We are always in agreement about The Ruins

2. HE ASKED A QUESTION ON WENDY WILLIAMS TODAY!!!!

PS that candy you bought is cursed

2009-10-29T19:17:00.002-04:00

Those Crazy Christians who hate fun are at it again.

Yes this is real and you can read about it here.

I'm not one of those people who gets insane about Halloween but I do like to dress up. I never have the patience to think up something super creatively awesome and I'm okay with that. This year I'm going to be a geisha. I read Memoirs of a Geisha back in June and then put a calendar notification in my phone for October 1st because I knew I'd never remember. I wasn't trying to be a sexy geisha but the kimono I fell in love with is on the short side and when I get the obi action going, I'm pretty much all leg. But isn't that what Halloween is about? Girls get to dress like their inner slutwhore and guys have one night only to ogle all they want. My whole problem is that I'm already very much in touch with my own inner slutwhore and I don't need a holiday to justify my wardrobe.

My building shakes

2009-10-18T22:13:00.002-04:00

And apparently only my roommate and I notice it.

She says she feels it more in her room but I feel it loud and clear on the couch in the living room. The whole apartment just kind of shakes a little. Not enough to make anything move but enough that I notice it happens.

Whenever there's company over and it happens I always mention it and I'm always met with the same slightly questioning stares that make me question my sanity. So I just want to get it out there for the record, that yes, my apartment shakes sometimes. And also for the record--I'm over it.

In unrelated news, I knit a hat today while watching The Jerk--what a great way to spend an hour and a half. It was rainy out and cold but I was inside in a Slanket knitting and laughing and warm. It's actually fall now--this weekend was full of that awful spitting cold rain and a constant need for thick socks and rain boots. It took a lot for me to leave the apartment at all so I hope my brother and dad appreciate the birthday gifts I traipsed around the LES and Soho for on Saturday.

The rainy weekend did bring me the unexpected gift of discovering the Essex Street Market. I've been in before but just did a cursory go round once. But on Saturday I actually looked around at what they had to offer. I went just a little bananas buying produce because the deals were so great. I spent $5 and got enough vegetables to make delicious side dishes for a week. I had to slow my roll because my arms were already full with shopping bags from birthday shopping but when I see deals like eggplant for 49 cents a pound something inside me just goes off and I can't leave without buying. I love feeling like I'm paying 1984 prices.

And some things I'm into right now that are interesting and fun:

Lady Gaga is going on tour and I will pay whatever it costs to sit up close and personal when she plays Radio City in January
My current favorite song. Regina Spektor, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift are my current musical obsessions. If you're thinking about hating on Taylor Swift get off your pretentious soap box and listen to this and give the girl some props for writing a great song.
I can't stop watching House Hunters. If I'm watching TV and I see that it's on, I can't not watch it. I just NEED to see which one they pick!
Yes, I want to see The Stepfather. Yes, if the weather hadn't been so gross this weekend I probably would have seen The Stepfather and I'd be giving you my critical assessment of it. Damn the weather.
Glee (favorite moment here) is the best show on TV. Followed closely by Dexter and 30 Rock. Speaking of 30 Rock I went to the premiere party for the season opener on Thursday and it was a really fun night full of free food, free drinks, and my roommate proclaiming to me but speaking loud enough for the bar to hear, "I LOVE THIS BARTENDER--HE'S IRISH!!! DID YOU HEAR HIM TALK?? BRANDY HE'S IRISH FOR REAL!!!"
I kind of love Twitter more and more each day. Follow me.
The 1st Seinfeld-Curb episode was amazing. Find a way to watch it. I think the 2nd comes on tonight. Thank God for on-demand
I bought a bag of frozen dumplings from my favorite dumpling place on Hester and Essex. It's a real testament to my powers of resisting temptation that I haven't eaten said whole bag.
I sent Kailyn a copy of Lady Gaga's CD and she's already choreographed 2 dances to Poker Face and Starstruck. I'm reminded of my days with my aunt's copies of Salt-n-Pepa and En Vogue. It makes me miss being 8 years old and having nothing else to do all day except make up dances to my favorite songs.

A trip to Crazy Town

2009-10-06T16:45:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure that the reason Christos and I have stayed friends for so long is because we both subscribe to the same kind of crazy. Both of us are back in the single world now and our time away has caused us to forget many things about these little love games we play with potential new mates. It's been almost 3 years since I really dated anyone and technology has improved so much in that time that there is officially no reason for a potential date not to get back to me ASAP. Because I know and he knows that EVERYONE CHECKS THEIR PHONE ALL THE TIME.

I love Bridezillas

2009-10-05T20:37:00.002-04:00

There are just so many moments during the show that I say to myself "oh my god she's totally serious right now". I don't get that same thrill with scripted television.

A few choice lines to illustrate my point.

"She's a little bitch. And she's always been a little bitch since she was this high." -- Alcoholic aunt of the bride re: the bride.

"The bachelorette party was f...fun. The club was banging. It was hot. Lajune brought it harder than anyone can bring it. Like hard....like a rock hard." --Drunk bridesmaid who the bride referred to throughout said bachelorette party as "Hey Tubby!"

Newlywed husband to bridezilla: "How many people do you know call their friends fat bitches?" Bridezilla: "I called them big bitches."

And this is all just from last week's episode. Bridezillas is one of those shows that just keeps appalling me every single time I watch. So I have to keep watching. Bravo marketing strategy, I fell right into your out-stretched arms and set a season pass on my DVR. There are a couple of shows in my life like this, the best example being Toddlers and Tiaras.

Just when I think one mom is the most awful human being on earth another mom comes along that makes the first one look like a saint and gets me to thinking that well that other mom only spray-tanned her kid. The flippers (fake teeth to hide an imperfect and natural 6-year-old smile), the $1000 bejeweled dresses, the little girls who have the faces of mini-well=preserved- 38-year-olds, and of course, their moms who insist that if Bayleigh Brianna wanted to quit she could just say the word but you know what she's really saying is as long as Bayleigh Brianna lives under her roof that cute little face of hers is going to be winning pageant money. And I just saw an ad for a new show called Platinum Babies, by the same people who brought us Platinum Weddings. Sometimes I hate the "Hey Look How Rich We Are!!" shows, especially the ones about kids because I feel it somehow cheapens my own middle class youth. I thought it was such a big deal to go to Shoney's and get my own plate at the salad bar when I was 8. On Kid Cribs they already have their own second homes by 4th grade as well as 2 cars. But who can resist the urge to watch and judge--my false sense of justification stems from the belief that everyone knows poor people were put here to judge the rich.

And an aside: I've been making TV more of a reward thing recently because I felt I was watching too much of it. My DVR was having a shit fit with the amount of programming I needed it to hold. So I made some very heartwrenching cuts (Grey's I'm so sorry I just can't this year) and then I gave myself a rule that my inner parent will need to enforce: If the TV is on I can only be watching DVR'd programming--no more aimlessly surfing the hundreds of channels and flipping back and forth between an extreme surgery show, House Hunters and This Christmas. I also made a second kind of rule/promise to myself that I would only get to watch said DVR'd programming if I had written something productive. So far I'm doing okay with this but I have to say it's so hard to not aimlessly watch TV. I just love flipping the channels. I always have. (Kind-of-embarrassing extra aside: my parents were very strict and we didn't get out much so during the summers when we were young like maybe 11 and 8, my little brother and I would plan out our day using the TV Guide.)

PS this doll existed.

2009-10-02T13:35:00.005-04:00

Mattel thought this was a good idea back in the long ago wild days of 2006.

I was referred to as an Oreo for most of my middle school years by many of my black classmates and a couple of white ones. There comes a point where the insults don't matter anymore but I have to say when I saw this doll I felt like I was 11 and that bitch in my gym class was giving me shit again. I could almost hear her saying "What does the Oreo think about that?"

But then I remember the look on her face when she came back to the locker room to change that one afternoon towards the end of 6th grade and found her clothes stuffed in a poop filled toilet. I don't get really pissed often but when it happens--watch your shit. Literally.

Hot off the G-Chat presses

2009-10-01T15:45:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's hard out here for pimp who's trying to get some stuff done!

In a nutshell: I didn't get the PIT scholarship but I was really happy with my performance and the whole thing was a fun time and I'm glad I went out for it. I hate not winning but I'm not as crazy as I used to be as an overachieving teenager so after I didn't get it I was calm and collected. Work is bananas but bananas in a good way and I shouldn't even be posting from work but sometimes....well sometimes a girl just needs to post. And...my fridge broke but is fixed now. Phew.

And this is from a gChat I had with Christos a little earlier. Throughout the day I get heated about many different things since as a reflex when my mind needs a break I read either HuffPost, Dlisted, Gothamist and Gawker. Today I was most heated about Comcast buying NBC and Michelle Bachmann being an idiot...again. Also coming into play in the Gchat below is me remembering things I learned in my Media Management class junior year of college.

It's great to see friends!!

2009-09-20T10:48:00.006-04:00

Last week I went to San Francisco with my best four girlfriends from college. We had an amazing time. The food was bananas--we never had a bad meal and a lot of that is thanks to Yelp. Also Google Maps introduced us to the MUNI bus system and we didn't take a single cab the entire time we were there even though at one point we spent a good 20 minutes trying to hail one. Our hotel was great and had terrific views of the city. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge and we went to Alcatraz. All the while talking with each other as only we can talk.

Having been in NYC for almost 6 years, I forget that I have a whole life of people who know me pre-NYC--these are the girls who I basically grew up with. I came to University of Georgia completely ignorant about a lot of things that happen in a young person's life: namely that people my age did drugs and had sex on a regular basis. For example: my after-prom party was spent watching Friday the 13th in sleeping bags in my friend Megan's living room and her mom made her famous cheese dip and sausage balls. We drank Coke. I was happily ignorant and I recall my senior trip to Myrtle Beach (I know--CLASSY) when we stayed at my friend Danny's beachhouse and we were upstairs and his cousins were downstairs and they were smoking pot and I just couldn't believe they were laughing in the face of the law like that--why weren't they so scared--drugs are illegal. So it was great to be around people who really know the complete dork I used to be. And I loved reminiscing--I don't get to do that often because there aren't many people from my Georgia life who are also a part of my New York life.

Some fun moments from our trip:

Spig from the costume shop. There was a vintage costume shop behind our hotel. The guy working there was so happy to have a customer that he talked to us for about 45 minutes straight. He could float among us--talking to Stacy about Atlanta of 1977, Caroline about some things she should try for her costume, gave me directions complete with handrawn map of what we should spend the rest of our day doing. Spig never paused.
I never rode a cable car and I'm pissed.
Alcatraz was much more interesting than I thought it would be and my tip for if you ever go: Skip straight to the audio tour. Those breakout groups are a shitshow.
Karaoke bar = right outside of our hotel. It was like God was smiling on me.
We took the bus once back to our hotel and the entire back of the bus was filled with a AA group. I know they were an AA group because each of them spoke very loudly about their various addictions and the effects of said addiction. It was kind of like the meeting was pregaming on the bus.
Walking the Golden Gate Bridge was awesome. Did you know that they have a big suicide problem there? I was kind of nervous because I am not into bridges or heights and the edge is totally like RIGHT there so I was kind of freaking a little. And then there are all these signs that are like "There is hope. Call someone." It was a little surreal and I'm glad no one jumped while I was there. San Francisco has a beautiful skyline and there was this amazing low fog that was just indescribably beautiful and serene.

San Francisco is a fantastic city and it was wonderful to share it with such good friends. I'm OVER the hills but if I lived there I would have such great legs.

Here's a little before and after for you:

I think this was 2003 but it could be 2002

Five 28-year-old women.

Unrelated: Just saw a commercial for this. Why do companies just want to fill up my purse with shit?

LOVE YOU WHITNEY!!!!

2009-09-18T15:00:00.001-04:00

This made my Friday!!

I'll be back this weekend with lots of pics and stories from San Fran but currently I'm uber busy at work (not too busy to NOT enjoy Whit but you know what I mean). Also the showcase at the PIT is on Monday and I've been preparing my little heart out!!!

Also isn't the message of the above song SO EFFING SWEET???

I'm going to San Francisco!

2009-09-09T08:52:00.003-04:00

My flight leaves in a couple of hours and I'm very excited!! I haven't been to the West Coast in probably 5 or 6 years and I've never been to San Fran.

I'm going with my 4 best girlfriends from college. We all met freshman year--we were on the Dolphin Hall at Creswell. Casie lived on one side of me, Jen and Caroline lived on the other and Stacy was 2 doors down. We stayed friends and sometimes roommates for the rest of college. Jen and I were complete opposites living together sophomore year--she loved Radiohead and color schemes that involved grey and brown. I had 2 Justin Timberlake posters by my bed and my closet looked as if a rainbow exploded out of it. But Jen and I agreed about bedtime music (we both were into listening to music when falling asleep). I love her forever for having that record player and introducing me to Miles Davis Shades of Blue. Stacy and Caroline and I lived, along with my best friend from high school Donovan, in a huge rambling farmhouse on the wrong side of Athens senior year. 148 Vine Street--a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with a huge front porch and back porch and I had the smallest room and it was about 14x14. We paid $250 each a month for rent. It was kind of awesome and the stories from that house could fill a book. (think small airport paperback)

After college we all went our separate ways and due to our various locations it's been hard to all get together. But in just a few hours I will see everyone in California and it's going to be awesome. And....I'm NOT taking my computer. This is a big step for me because I always feel that when I leave my computer at home when I go away something will happen to it. I'm trying to get past that so I'm tearing myself away from technology for the rest of the week. Okay I am never getting rid of my blackberry and I will still be twittering but....no computer. I am making a conscious choice to not have an option to charge my iPod. BIG STEP FOR ME.

Is it weird that I miss New York already and I haven't even left yet? Also big news--I have never traveled so far by myself!! I've always been with family or friends on any flight that's over 2 hours long. I get VERY nervous about flying but I'm going to try and be brave.

My great news!

2009-09-04T16:15:00.003-04:00

So I can finally say what my news that I've been alluding to is...

I applied for the 2nd Annual PIT Diversity Scholarship. And I just found out that I've been selected as one of 10 finalists!! There's going to be a showcase performance of all the finalists on September 21st and that's when they will decide the 3 recipients. I'm so excited and so nervous!! And if you're around in New York City on September 21st at 8pm you should come over to the PIT--it's a free show and I would love your support!!

Gmail is being whack

2009-09-01T16:31:00.001-04:00

And people the world over (ie all my facebook friends) are FREAKING out.

It's kind of cool to be a part of that.

Even though it annoys the shit of me when technology fails.

But Summer I hardly knew you...

2009-08-31T18:54:00.005-04:00

Summer came and said hello for those 3 or 4 weeks worth of days since June that it's been sunny and not pouring rain. And now it's gone. It was a hellishly hot hello for a lot of those days but I didn't REALLY mind. I love hot weather. I complain about it but I really actually love it. I wore a tank top today and was freezing. I'm not okay with that. I need to be eased into cooler weather. I can't have it going from 90 to 62 so suddenly. What's the rush? I've just got 2 more onesies that need to be worked out in a natural setting where I don't need to wear a jacket.

Speaking of weather, somehow I've become that coworker that everyone likes to talk to about the weather. And because I am OCD about knowing what the weather will be like at any given point of the day, I suppose I'm a good choice if you're looking to talk thunderstorm warnings.

In other news: I got some headshots taken this weekend. The amazing Andre Sayler did my pics and the experience was fantastic. I got up at 7am on Sunday and headed into Brooklyn on the J train--a train I have literally taken maybe 5 times roundtrip. The day was overcast but really comfortable out and there was really perfect lighting so we took a lot of the pictures outside. It was a very Brandy does Brooklyn morning and it ended with the discovery of sweet tea vodka in a pint glass at a restaurant called DuMont in Williamsburg. Thumbs up DuMont, thumbs up.

I have a few of my favorites below. Andre was the best and going through the pics with him, it was really amazing how he shot me from so many ways that I never see myself--it was almost like looking at a picture of someone else.

Not going to lie--LOVED feeling like a model!!!!

PS: Can't believe it's September tomorrow.

Is it just me....

2009-08-26T07:57:00.004-04:00

Or is 2009 the Year of Death?

I think maybe it's because all these babies were born in the past few years and nature has to make room. The Madisons and Connors are replacing the Ethels and Georges.

It's still sad though--just this summer: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, and now Ted Kennedy (I'm forgetting at least 3 other famous deaths--deal with it). I've got the HBO doc DVR'd called "In Teddy's Words" and I've been watching it off and on whenever I have a few moment. Ted Kennedy was kind of awesome. Anyone who champions universal healthcare (yes I think it's the responsibility of the government to try and keep its citizens healthy) is a tops in my book. So Chappaquidick incident aside--I think Ted Kennedy is great. He was my fav Kennedy--well my favorite after Rosemary. You know--the one they never talk about.

In completely unrelated news--I finished a major project last night and fingers crossed it changes my life. More to come on that later--I promise!!

Pat Kiernan tweeted me back!!

2009-08-21T20:23:00.005-04:00

It happened yesterday morning actually. I turned the TV to NY1 as soon as I was out of the shower, and was pleasantly surprised to see that he was back from vacation. Not that I have anything against Kristen Shaughnessy but....no one does In The Papers quite like Pat. I see him practically every weekday morning and he is the one who tells me about the weather as well as gives a cursory overview of things I will read about in detail later on Gothamist, Gawker and Huffpost. I feel close to PK.

Anyway, I decided to tweet @ him that I was glad to see him home from vacation.

And he tweeted me back!!!

I was really against Twitter at first because I didn't understand it. I still don't really understand it but I've fallen under its spell so now in addition to being addicted to checking texts and emails, I am now semi-obsessed with Twitter.

So follow me already!

PS: I have kind of exciting news but I'm not ready to put it out in the internet universe yet but I wanted to say something because I can't not say something so just be kind of mildly curious for now okay?

Really upset about Blackberry Messenger right now

2009-08-21T11:29:00.002-04:00

FYI

NEVER DOWNLOAD THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT TO YOUR PHONE.

Especially when it's a new and improved Blackberry Messenger 5.0.

My cousin was like "Brandy download!!" Since she is a Blackberry savant at Sprint I trusted her.

And now I don't have BBM anymore and NO ONE CAN TELL ME HOW TO GET IT BACK.

It's enough to make me want to cry.

I have downloaded desktop manager. I have reinstalled my OS. I have DONE EVERYTHING. Yet no one at T mobile or Blackberry knows how to help me. It's been 3 weeks of googling and talking on the phone and meeting every deadend.

Right now I hate T-Mobile because this is the thanks I get for being a customer since 2003. And I hate blackberry--get with the fucking program already--this should NOT be causing me so much grief. I can get ghcat and AIM like THAT--it shouldn't be this hard to get a program that COMES on the phone.

Seriously there's steam coming out of my ears.

Hating technology right now.

If I were 1st lady...

2009-08-20T08:22:00.007-04:00

People would be really pissed about the length of my shorts. Especially since THIS is being considered indecent:

When I think short shorts I think more like......

My cousin's apartment burned down

2009-08-11T12:35:00.001-04:00

I know--such an awful blog heading.

But it happened.

Yesterday, my cousin Kari's apt burned down and she and her boyfriend and their 3 kids pretty much lost everything. Her entire bedroom burned but they were able to save some of the kids furniture and clothes--but all their toys are gone. And as fate would have it, this is the first apt she's lived in where they don't have a renters insurance policy. She just moved to this apt a month ago and they hadn't gotten around to getting their policy transferred.

I'm reaching out to all of you to say if you have anything at all--clothes, shoes, sheets, towels anything--that you can spare to donate it would be greatly appreciated. They lost everything and they are starting from scratch so any and everything is appreciated. If you'd like to send something please let me know--you can just drop it off with me and I will send it. I'm planning on sending out a big package towards the end of the week and then another one next week. If you'd like to send something yourself all donations can go to

Kari Wimbush/Steven Peterson
PO Box 44
Union City, GA 30291

Everything is appreciated and here are some sizes so you have an idea--

Kari is a women's size 8, size 9 shoe
Pete is a men's 30-32, M or L shirts, size 12 shoe
Kailyn--she's 8 yrs old and wears a little girl's 6 or 8, shoe size 12 (little girls)
Amme--she's almost 5 and wears a little girls size 2 or a 4 or 5T
Madisyn--anything for 18-24 months

Thanks so much everyone!!

xo

Brandy

And We All Fall Down...

2009-08-03T08:20:00.004-04:00

Laughing!!!

I'm hosting a really fantastic comedy show on Wednesday night and everything about it is for a good cause. My friends Greg and Selda wrote a great musical called All Fall Down and it was accepted to be a part of the NY Musical Theater Festival this fall!! It's a really amazing accomplishment and I'm proud to be a part of helping them towards their fundraising goal. Info for the comedy show is below in a lovely flyer made up by yours truly. We have a fanastic lineup and even a surprise guest or 2. And to top it all off we all also be selling baked goods. That's right--comedy and cupcakes--what more could you ask for?

It's $5 to get in--any other donations are always welcome. If you live in New York, you should make your way down to Avenue C on Wednesday night and gt your laugh on.

In other related Brandy-comedy news, I performed last night and while I think the show went fine, I was a little disappointed in how some of my jokes went over with the mainly foreign audience. FYI--American reality TV doesn't always translate. It's always a good thing not to have everything go smoothly all the time though--it makes me remember that I'm not perfect and I have work to do.

The show on Wednesday will be a lot of fun and I promise to make you laugh.....so make it out already okay?

The Atlanta Housewives are back

2009-07-31T12:42:00.004-04:00

Life is good.

Well not that good because I am home sick from work today. But being able to watch last night's episode this morning was pretty fantastic. I had so many favorite moments but perhaps my favorite line was from Sheree. I hated her last season and I still think she and the Lady Chablis are identical twins but last night I became a Sheree lover. You see...Sheree is having a party to celebrate being Sheree. So she hired a party planner and said party planner turned out to suck. They have an argument that escalates to the party planner having to be escorted from the room and saying something to the effect of "Fuck yo mama!" Then in her interview Sheree explains that she is a Cleveland girl and that her Cleveland almost came out when that party planner got in her face. She was about to have "call Pookie and them." Maybe it's because I'm black, maybe it's because there are at least to members of my extended family who are called Pookie, but I died laughing at this and it made me really heart Sheree.

In other "What's Brandy been watching on TV news":

I'm on season 3 of Dexter and it just keeps getting better. Please watch
I dedicated a few hours of my life to watching SoapNet's original "docudrama" Southern Belles: Louisville. Not much to say about it--the characters were completely unrelateable and the prettiest one of them seemed hellbent on dating the most disgusting guys. However the fact that I watched it does in fact prove that I will usually watch anything about a group of best friends doing shit together and talking shit about each other. What can I say? I like best friend shows!
Toddlers and Tiaras. I don't care how you feel about pageants and/or reality shows. If you like to laugh and also feel amazingly appalled at the same time, this is the show for you. You basically can't find a pageant mom who is not crazy. And I say this because LITTLE GIRL PAGEANTS ARE CRAZYTOWN. That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it. And every episode of this show reaffirms my thesis. The last episode was pretty fabulous and probably the best line was from the 10 year old bitch diva in training who said, "When I'm at home, I'm Madison. But when I'm that stage? I'm Tootie." (Yes her mother let her go through with this)
NYC Prep. I know I know. I SWORE I was not going to watch this bullshit but I am been roped in!! It's so terrible that it's kind of .....wonderful. However I feel bad blogging about it because I would talk so much shit about those kids and then feel badly because they are so young. If there is a marathon of it on Bravo sometime--I suggest tuning in for an episode or 2

Also--I'm hosting a comedy show next week as well as performing in one on Sunday. I'm very excited to be doing comedy again. I'll be posting more info about the shows soon!!

UPDATE: found the clip of the Sheree fight! Enjoy.

C'est AWESOME

2009-07-28T17:15:00.001-04:00

I know I should write more but....this is too great not to post.

MY day just got made

2009-07-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

I love youtube and I really love Jill and Kevin

Georgia

2009-07-19T11:54:00.002-04:00

I'm home in Henry County this weekend.

I got a last minute cheap ticket on Wednesday and here I am, in my dad's home office on the computer, sitting by a big window that overlooks the backyard and the Little House--the shed my dad built when I was in 4th grade--when I was in 6th grade I decided that I could maybe fix it up and live there because at the time I couldn't imagine not living near my mom and dad. I've been up since 8 and reading in my favorite spot on the deck. I'm on the last book of the Sookie Stackhouse series. Praise Alan Ball for making those books into True Blood.

My flight yesterday morning was at 6am. This might sound awful to some but I like to fly early--sleeping on the plane is the only way to fly. My roommate was also flying out of Laguardia so we got a car service together with a coupon that's been on our fridge for months. So we were both very happy and surprised when we went outside at 4:30am and a small Russian man was waiting to pick us up in a very nice, very new black Mercedes. We were chauferred in record time to our respective terminals in this very classy car for the very nice price of $30 including tip.

The airport was a madhouse but I was only slghtly annoyed. I don't mind being 2 hours early for my flight and having to sit around because I always assume that the airport will be packed and full of insane people who don't do any kind of preparation before asking dumb questions about their printed out tickets and whether or not they have to take their shoes off. I come armed with at least 2 books, 3 magazines, a crossword puzzle and a few pudcasts of Fresh Air. I'd checked in online thank god but had to endure 45 minutes of the security check. I made it to my gate with time to spare only to find out that I didn't have a seat on the overbooked flight. So I was put on a flight that was 2 hours later and Delta also threw in a first class seat on that flight as well as a $200 voucher towards my next trip on their lovely airline.

So....for $137 (which is what I paid for the original round-trip ticket) I got a 1st class seat, $200 for a future flight and I still managed to get to Atlanta by 10am.

It's nice when things like this happen.

Saturday was a good day. I saw my nieces and they lit up my life as usual. Madisyn is so cute I want to scream and Kailyn and Amme are turning into actual people before my eyes. I taught Kailyn Phase 10 and made another fan. I also told her about how she is a big hit in my comedy routine--I've told her this before but now I think she finally got it. I think this because as I was talking her eyes lit up and she said, "So in New York I'm kind of famous??"

I had several hilarious conversations with the girls and I'm happy to note that Amme has just as big of an imagination as Kailyn. We talked about the Jonas Brothers (Kailyn loves Nick and to quote her: "I think he's so cute Bran and I don't even care that his has diabetes.) We talked about their summer camp at nursery school and all the kids they have issues with. Amme's current bffs are Trinity and London and she HATES Micah. Why? "Because I don't LIKE her Bran--she's always trying to be my friend!" Kailyn however, begged to differ--"Amme London is ALWAYS talking about you!" "No Kailyn. London is my FRIEND!"

I'd like to take this moment to mention that Kailyn's best friend at school is named Charlene. I had a laugh about this was unable to effectively communicate why I thought a 7 year old named Charlene was funny.

In other news, my dad is preparing for the emminent moving in of my stepmom and stepsister. Next week is the week. It's weird to think that my stepsister will move into my old room and that it will be her room now. I haven't lived in my house for 10 years but I'm still a little sad that it will be different. Things change, life moves on, and a 28 year old working New York woman shouldn't be getting sentimental about a room that hasn't even contained the furniture she grew up with for at least 7 years.

Last night we all celebrated one of my cousin's birthdays at Dave and Busters--it was nice because I got to see everyone in my family at once. It was hell because it was full of teenagers and babies. I did carry Madisyn around for awhile so that people could get a good look at her and see that she was definitely the cutest baby they'd ever seen. She's also a total ham and as soon as someone looks at her she starts laughing and grinning. She does the same thing when she sees herself in the mirror. So even though she's only 13 months I think she's well aware that she's super adorable.

Home is good. I'm glad I'm here. Georgia has its flaws but being here calms me down and helps me focus. I need to remember that I have a family here who loves me and misses me. I didn't realize it would be so hard to be away from them for such a long time but I see now why people like to live close to their kin.

I needed a minute away from New York and my 6th floor walk-up and feeling like if I am at home and not doing anything I'm wasting my NYC time.

I'm going back out to deck now to read and not check my email for a few hours. And I'm not going to feel bad about it. I'm in the South now. And I'm taking it slow.

Just watched the Michael Jackson memorial

2009-07-07T15:45:00.002-04:00

And when his daughter came to the mic I cried at work for the first time.

It was an intense moment and I hope that all the haters who only see MJ as what he became in later life will now see that we know and knew nothing about him.

And that he was a good Daddy.

I think I might cry again!! And also I'm calling my own Daddy asap.

Today has been kind of perfect.

2009-07-03T19:45:00.006-04:00

First off, being off of work is amazing. I know in these hard economic times, I shouldn't be complaining about working since I have a job and this isn't really a complaint--more just an appreciation for seeing my home at 2pm on a Friday. I slept in til almost noon. Sleeping in on a weekday is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

After luxuriating in the knowledge that I had nothing at all planned for the day, I decided that shopping was in order. I had a hunch there was something cute to be found so I wandered around the LES and came home with a brand new onesie. I love it when my hunches are on point.

I spent a few hours on the roof in the late afternoon sun and caught up with 3 issues of The New Yorker. I always feel a little helpless after reading the New Yorker. I learn about all sorts of interesting and at times extremely fucked up things: (i.e. this, this, and this for starters). But I always feel like the things that are fucked up are fucked up on such a massive level that there's not much I can do about it. Reading about high level government fuckery and knowing that short of running for office there's not much I can do is enough to drive a girl insane.

Another high point of today was watching TV--I am now on season 2 of Dexter. I have been meaning to start watching and finally did last week and I'm hooked. It's a really great show and totally worth checking out. It's funny but so dark. It's so weird to be rooting for a serial killer. But he's just such a great character! I liked Six Feet Under but wasn't really that obsessed. But I am completely obsessed with Michael C. Hall now. The casting on the show is just amazing and I LOVE Julie Benz and Jennifer Carpenter.

My cousin sent me these pics and they definitely added to making this day amazing.

And currently, I'm on my way out to get some sushi and take a walk around the Lower East Side as this beautiful day draws to a close. I have been very into enjoying my solitude lately and my roommate surprised me when I got home from shopping by being packed and ready to go away for the weekend, leaving me the apartment to myself. And tomorrow is the 4th of July, quite possibly my favorite holiday. I hope that doesn't make me a right wing patriot nutcase. But I do own an American Flag bikini.....and since I'm confessing you should also know that junior year of college my roomate and I decorated one wall of our living room with a huge American Flag tapestry.

Happy 4th of July!!

Cash that check!!!

I need to go to Wildwood

2009-07-02T13:41:00.007-04:00

Because it is full of the funniest people ever.

It's funny because it's real. If you'll excuse me...I need to go and do the following before I get on NJ Transit:

Fight a bitch (but not tell my boyfriend because he doesn't like that shit)
Find the bitch who put a gun to my back and kill her
Paint on my eyebrows
Tease my permed hair and make sure my roots show
Find a summer boyfriend with a mullet who's just really different...you know different.
Get some nails
Get a shirt with open shoulders and short sleeves
Find Dave so I can tell him to not have people call the payphone if he's not going to be there to pick up
And last but not least, I need to CASH THAT CHECK, preferably with someone I meet on the boardwalk

Friday afternoon

2009-06-26T16:20:00.003-04:00

There was this.

Oh and also this.

This is supposed to be me and my roommate.

Go ahead and ooh and ahh over my photoshop prowess.

I'm sad about Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T19:42:00.003-04:00

I know that in he was sketch with the young boy situation but I really loved his music. And I don't know anyone who doesn't like at least one of his songs.

A Michael Jackson song will make a party. If you want people to get up and dance just start up a little Don't Stop Til You Get Enough or maybe Billie Jean. My personal MJ fav is Do You Remember The Time. It doesn't get played as much but I heart it, and when I hear it I go to a good place.

And his videos....Michael Jackson did some really amazing videos! I loved yet was terrified by Thriller. His videos were like little movies. I feel like I'm very jaded to the awesomeness of real unique creativity because I get the feeling that everything's been done and everything new is just variations on the same. But MJ was really creative and awesome and for lack of a more sophisticated phrase--his shit was bomb.

July 30th = New Fav Day

2009-06-24T00:00:00.002-04:00

Fantastic news right??

I need NeNe and Atlanta after those crazy ass Jersey prostiution whores.

In other TV news--if you haven't seen it already, make Nurse Jackie something you watch in the near future. And when you watch it, you should know that girl who plays Zoe is my new favorite actress.

I tried to watch NYC Prep, but sorry Bravo--it sucks. The kids are HELL.

And TLC--STOP I never want to see a 10 year retrospective on Jon and Kate's marriage and that's exactly what they are planning on airing next Monday since Jon finally came to his senses and got the hell out before Kate could chop off any more of his balls. Do we really need to see 10 years of Kate forcing him to do what she wanted? "Oh Jon I know I'm 26 and you're 24 but I NEED in vitro!! TWICE!! Who cares that I'm a nurse and your an IT guy and we're just getting by with twins! I want six more you fucking son of a bitch and then I want a reality show to pay for it. Haven't you NOTICED that Jon and Kate rhymes with 8???? GodDAMNIT Jon." I got what I needed from the show--to see Jon tell her to shut the fuck up. Granted he didn't actually say that but he DID file for divorce--and THAT says shut the fuck up almost better than saying the actual command aloud.

The most amazing experience

2009-06-22T13:23:00.004-04:00

Today from about 530am to 615am I was naked on a beach in Montauk Long Island, near the Montauk lighthouse.

There's a better word for it but right now all I can come up with is amazing. I was on a beach with about 200 other people and we were Spencer Tunick's latest installation piece.

I was so incredibly nervous. I've only been completely full monty naked in front of myself and a few men over the years. But never more than one person at once, and certainly never for a professional photographer's camera. So I had to pull out some balls for this one. Honestly though, once the first person stripped everyone just followed suit, and after 5 minutes I was totally over the fact that I was completely nude and surrounded by many other people in the same state of undress.

Being on the beach at the northern tip of Long Island as the sun rises is really incredible. The sky was so many shades of blue, shades that I could never recreate in a photo or in a painting. Shades of blue that have to been seen and experienced. The waves were picture perfect. Spencer Tunick couldn't have asked for better weather. He placed us all along the rocky beach and the surrounding cliffs. At one point I was face down clinging to the side of a cliff. Just me and the sand and for once I didn't feel the immediate urge to get all sand off of me. I just laid there and felt the roughness of the rocks against my bare skin and it was out of control.

He got all the women together at the end and we had to go across all these huge slippery rocks that jutted right out into the ocean. I was dirty from the sand and Spencer told me to take some of the water pooled on the rocks and rinse off a bit. And do you know that before I could even kneel down, 2 or 3 of the ladies nearest me were scooping up water and rinsing me off. It was such a surreal experience being on a huge rock like 5 feet away from a 10 foot drop into the the ocean, surrounded by naked women rinsing sand and mud off my back and legs.

We get a copy of the print in a few months and I'm so excited, yet freaked out to see it. In a lot of the shots I am pretty far away but seeing as that there were 200+ people there and only maybe 5 or 6 of us were black, I don't think I'll be hard to spot. That makes me a little nervous that it could just be floating around and that at any moment a friend could be perusing an art gallery and may just catch a glimpse of good old Naked Brandy.

After the shoot there was an afterparty at a nearby hotel. It was at 7am though so it's weird to think of it as an afterparty. Usually it's the 7am afterparties that make you feel like a total drug abusing alcoholic and I haven't been to one of those in about 4 years. But there was a heated pool at the hotel and it felt wonderful. And my friends and I just talked amongst ourselves the whole time about how much we were looking forward to McDonald's breakfast.

The trip on a whole was really fun. My friends and I rented a car and by the end of the trip her name was Zuki (short for Suzuki) and we each felt really close to her. We went to McDonald's twice. The second McDonald's trip probably deserves it's own blog because in case you didn't know--there's NO McDonald's in the Hamptons. (Okay that's a lie--we found one in Southampton but it was a BITCH AND A HALF to get there thanks for nothing Google Maps). But in our defense, the 2nd trip was for breakfast and a McDonald's breakfast is DEFINITELY something to get excited about.

Oh, and we made a surprise trip to New Jersey, since we had to return the car--this is something I hadn't been planning on being a part of but when one falls asleep decisions are made without one's input.

Sidenote: One kind of awesome thing that came out of the many conversations that we all had on the way there and on the way back was that Top Secret Jpeg is a really great band name. Right?

Enjoy the pics below--and DON'T get excited.

I didn't take any pictures of the nakedness.

This is my "I was just naked but now I'm in New Jersey?" smile.

My fellow travelers.

The wonderful Miss Zuki The Car.

2 for $3 bacon, egg, and cheese.

Finally, a fucking McDonald's in the Hamptons.

What do people out there do when they need a Filet O'Fish??

Empire the Series

2009-06-20T14:09:00.002-04:00

On July 12th, my friends Brian and Greg will be unveiling their new web soap opera!!

It's called Empire and it's going to be great. You can visit the website here and make sure to take a look at the trailer!

Make sure to go to the website to find out about the premiere party. Brian and Greg put a lot of work into this and it makes me feel good inside when I my friends are doing something they love.

I'm getting naked.

2009-06-18T23:00:00.002-04:00

Yes--I'm being literal.

I am posing nude on Sunday for a Spencer Tunick installation. I am going to be among like 200 other naked people including 4 of my friends (okay 2 friends and 2 friends of friends). I’m incredibly nervous and I’ve been practicing by walking around my house naked more than usual. It’s been easy because my roommate has been working nights so I come home from work and if I want, I can be naked right up until the time I decide to go to bed. It’s kind of awesome. I am still incredibly nervous though. Understand that even though I like to wear slutty clothes, for the most part I’m a pretty modest person when it comes to full nudity. In middle school I used change in the bathroom stall because I was too embarrassed to change in front of the other girls. I mean I got over that after 6th grade I think but I have never been super comfortable about people that I’m not about to engage in naughty activities with.

I’m posing for a photo by Spencer Tunick and I’m doing it early Monday morning in northern Long Island. Oh…and I can’t wait. My friends and I are renting a car and making a mini road trip of it. I’m really interested to meet the other people who will be posing because I think it will be hundreds. And I love meeting new people. I’ve actually decided that this will be the Summer Of Meeting New People. Tonight I met like 4 new people at a birthday party at the Jane Hotel--which btw is one of my new favorite places in NYC)

Lately I’ve been really loving New York. I’ve been here 5 1/2 years now and I can’t even believe it. I think that maybe makes me a real New Yorker—I mean for 4 years I’ve actually lived in Manhattan proper. I have been paying attention when I walk down the street for a change instead of zoning out to my iPod. And it’s been awesome. I live in a fabulous place and no matter which way I decide to walk, even if I’ve walked that way a million times before, I will see something new. I feel like New York is where I’ve become a woman, It sounds so cheesy but it’s true—I came here a naïve country girl and I feel like I’m finally becoming a learned city woman. I’ve had 4 awesome jobs that have continued to move me forward in my career, I worked my way out tens of thousands in debt, I’m finally at a point where I can take a second and just breathe and enjoy.

I’m loving it and I can’t say it enough. New York City is an amazing place and I am so happy that I finally feel like it’s my city. There’s always something exciting and different happening and I love that every person, every street, every building, everything here has a story to tell. I've been walking everywhere recently and just soaking in the city and the summer. Even though this constant rain is KIND OF KILLING ME. But I'm telling myself the weathermen are full of shit and every night I go to bed happy that maybe in the morning I'll wake up to sun streaming through the window. It's nice to be able to hope.

Way to go 2 different directions in the this blog post right???

The Housewives Finale was everything I dreamed it would be

2009-06-17T12:33:00.002-04:00

Teresa you are my idol.

Do I have to say anything?

2009-06-15T23:33:00.003-04:00

I know this is old.....but I rediscovered it just now. It's screaming "share me!" and a chuckle should be had.

Unrelated: My windows are open right now and I some little princess neighbor of mine is playing the Enchanted soundtrack at full blast. But I don't mind because it was a pretty cute movie and there are worse fates than having to listen to Amy Adams sing "That's How You Know" on repeat.

Sometimes you have storms.

2009-06-11T00:42:00.008-04:00

20 years ago today, my mother’s youngest sister died.

I was 8 years old, and my parents had just separated for the first time. My brother and I were living with my mom in a condo in Riverdale, a town near the Atlanta airport on the southside of the city.

My aunt Rhonda was 19. She had been driving home from her boyfriend’s house in Atlanta and she fell asleep and veered off the road. She was thrown through the windshield and died from a broken neck.

My grandmother’s sister Pat came to our condo in the early hours of the morning of June 11th 1989. My brother and I shared a room and were both recently in the habit of sleeping on the floor in our new sleeping bags because we loved them so much. Aunt Pat and my mother got us up from the floor and we dressed quickly and got into the car.

I was absolutely sure that we were on our way to Macon, Georgia. Macon was a city south of where I was from and I always saw the name on road signs. 67 miles to Macon, Macon this way, Left lane-Macon. I’d told Mom weeks before that I wanted to go to Macon and she’d promised that we’d go. I didn’t bother to think that it was odd to start a vacation in the dark of the night.

I remember the orange light of the street lamps. But even when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I still thought we were heading to Macon. I jumped out of the car as soon as it was parked, ready to behold this new city. The first person I saw was my grandmother, tinted orange in the glow of the light. She’s in Macon too! I thought, How great is this?

“Momma where is the hotel?” I asked.

“Take your brother back to the car,” she replied.

I was holding his hand and he was leaning against me, still half asleep. There was something wrong with my mother’s voice. I couldn’t tell then what it was but now I know that she was in shock.

Instead of going to the car I put my arm around my little brother and went to where my grandmother stood. I saw her face and I knew that we weren’t in Macon.

“It’s your aunt Rhonda, Brandy. She’s dead.”

I didn’t know what dead was then. I’d had great grandparents who’d passed away, some old cousins, some great uncles and aunts. Funerals were just another party for me, I’d see cousins and aunts and uncles and yes there were caskets and old scary looking people in those caskets, but there was also food and lots of people to play with. Dead didn’t mean dead. Not yet.

Rhonda had dropped my brother and I off earlier that morning at the townhouse. She’d bought me a new plastic purse full of little girl things like fake make up and doll brushes. Dead? But I’d just seen her. My brother looked up at me, his eyes full of sleep and questions.

“Bran, what happened?” he asked.

“I guess she died.” The words came out of my mouth flat and meaningless. We weren't in Macon and what did she mean Rhonda died?

The next few days were a blur. There would be a closed coffin because of the damage done to her face. My cousin Kari wanted to see what she looked like but I didn’t. My mother and her other sisters didn’t let my cousins and I go to the funeral. Only my younger cousin Chasity was allowed. Because she was being a brat and started crying when the funeral procession left from my grandmother’s house. The rest of us stayed behind and played Uno in the garage and ate all of the desserts and casseroles that our town turned out in force to give my family.

My mother’s oldest sister died ten years later. I was 18 and weeks away from graduating high school. Gretchen had been sick for a few years but no one thought she would die. I never even knew how sick she was which is one reason why I only saw her once in the hospital. My brother and I went to see her and the sight of her small frail body leaking tubes and blood was too much for me. At one point my mom asked my brother and I to stay in the room with my aunt while she went to make a phone call. We opted to go with her to make the call. That was the last time I saw Gretchen alive. Her poor sad face as my brother and I left the room haunts my dreams to this day.

Now I'm 28 and the enormity of what it is to lose a family member is no longer a mystery to me. I know what it means. And knowing what that means makes me really admire my grandmother because she lost her oldest and her youngest daughters within 10 years of one another, yet she remains the most positive and amazing woman I have yet to meet. She's always smiling and ready to laugh herself or make you laugh. Even when she's pissed she's still so nice. She can tell you that you're full of shit one minute and she's giving you the shirt off her back the next. I can't say that I empathize with her loss because I've never lost someone that I gave birth to, but I do feel like I understand her more and connect on another level because I see that she went through a really awful storm and she made it out okay.

I've been in my own little storm recently and I'm coming through to the other side now. My storm was nowhere near what my grandmother's was but it was thinking of her that helped me get through it.

PS: It is also from my grandmother (actually BOTH grandmothers--my dad's mom is also a fabulous and fantastic woman who merits her own blog posting) that I learned to love and need housedresses.

Vampires I Love

2009-06-09T18:42:00.002-04:00

Because who doesn't love a good good vampire?

Vampires I Love

Barnabus Collins – from the early 90s remake of Dark Shadows. He made me feel all kinds of wonderful in 5th grade. I was really sad when the show stopped coming on. That seemed to happen to a lot of shows I loved as a kid: Pacific Palisades, Swan’s Crossing, Models Inc, Noah's Ark. I could go on but that's another posting methinks.
Edward Cullen—I think that casting Robert Pattison as Edward Cullen was the best idea EVER. I was totally love-hating the books while I was reading them but I have to admit that picturing Robert Pattison as Edward made me totally overlook his incredibly stalkerish and crazily possessive tendencies toward Bella. Even though I HATED Bella. Talk about an awful female role model. Even when she finally stands up and is the hero for once it’s only because of her undying and unending and completely insane love for Edward.
Lestat—Who didn’t love Tom Cruise in the early 90s? He was totally in his prime. I read all of the Vampire Chronicles (I was a HUGE Anne Rice fan surprise, surprise) and Lestat was just such a great character. Anne Rice’s vampires are actually my favorite vampires. And I think it’s because of Tom Cruise.
Bill Compton – I’ve read the first 3 Sookie Stackhouse books and I have to say that I like the Bill from True Blood better than the Bill in the books. I can’t tell you who I really like in the books because I would give away a big secret that I think is going to come out in the second season. I think my life would be complete if I could hear Bill drawl out "Brandy Crawford" the same way he drawls out "Sookie Stackhouse"
Claudia—this is the one and only role I have ever liked Kirsten Dunst in. Okay I take that back—she was really great in Bring It On. And it’s not so really much her that I like as it is the character. I read the book before I saw the movie and really loved Claudia and was secretly jealous of her getting to be a kid vampire. I didn’t realize then that Kirsten Dunst would turn out to be really annoying. And no, I don’t know her. I’m making a sweeping generalization based on her choice in movie roles.

Side note: Scariest vampires? The ones that live in Salem’s Lot. I was a HUGE Stephen King (okay I admit I still am) and I think I was maybe 12 when I read Salem’s Lot for the first time. IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. But I loved it just like I loved all his books—but that’s another story all together.

Phase 10

2009-06-07T21:12:00.003-04:00

Phase 10 is the most fun card game ever.

I have played many many card games in my day so I feel completely confident in saying that Phase 10 is absolutely amazing. My roommate brought it home one night about a year ago, having been introduced by her celebrity friend who shall remain nameless. The box of cards kind of just sat around for a while gathering dust with so many of our other games that seemed so fun when we bought them but haven't been played in months. Then, a few weeks ago, Christos and I broke out Phase 10 and a love affair was born. I've now introduced the game to at least 5 other friends and they are all extremely into it and they all recognize its awesomeness. I love it so much that I made an excel spreadsheet to keep score--I'm in the process of figuring out how to make it automatically know what phase you are on. (Secret: I love making excel spreadsheets that utilize formulas)

And then, somehow, the Phase 10 cards went missing. I played last Monday, it was amazing, and I put the cards back in their box and I put the box in this green bowl thing that sits on one side of the shelf on our TV stand. I know that I can be forgetful but I know that I put those cards back in the green thing. Long story short, Friday rolls around and I'm on my way to a friend's house and I want to take the cards. And I can't find them anywhere. ANYWHERE. I won't lie--panic set in. I texted my roommate and she said that she'd last seen them in the green thing. And I'd last seen them in the green thing. So I came to the obvious conclusion that the firemen tidied my roommate's room up so nice because they'd stolen our Phase 10 cards during their little break-in session. I was upset but it was 10pm and I was already late leaving for my friend's so I took the Uno cards instead.

Saturday I actually cleaned my entire apartment looking for those damned cards. Nowhere to be found. I text my friend Brian (huge fan of Phase 10 and had been very disappointed the night before to learn of their disappearance) and ask him if he wants to meet me at the Kmart at Astor Place because that's the only place I can think of that would have the cards and I vaguely remember that that's where my roommate got the last deck. So we meet up at KMart for what I think will be a ten minute trip total to get the cards, pay for them and get out of there. Brian decides to buy a deck too so that we never run into this problem again.

We go downstairs to the toy department and there were the Phase 10 cards should be are...Phase 10 dice. WHAT THE FUCK. NOT THE SAME. There no cards anywhere. There were a million different kinds of Uno but no Phase 10--except for the stupid dice. I couldn't even believe it. And for a second I hated New York a little. If I were home I'd run over to Wal-Mart and be back at my house in 15 minutes. But no, I was in New York. And there was only one other place that could possibly have these cards and I NEVER wanted to go there on a beautiful Saturday afternoon:

The Toys R Us in Times Square.

It's like the only Toy's R Us in the city. There was another KMart on 34th Street but we were afraid it would just yield more....dice. We really wanted the cards. So we headed to the N on 8th Street and went to Times Square.

The Toys R Us in Times Square is hell on earth. It's huge and crawling with children. Children who don't watch where they are going so they're always fucking underfoot. It's bright and loud and if I was a kid I think I would go nuts from the stimulation of just about everything all at once. Brian and I made a beeline for the games section on the second floor, right beside the life size Barbie House. It's Toys R Us, of course they have these cards--it's Toys R Fucking Us.

NO CARDS.

Once again--a million versions of Uno--Disney Princess Uno, Transformers Uno, Uno Snap, Uno fucking everything. No Phase 10. I get this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I was going to have to buy them online. And that meant waiting days or even WEEKS. Brian and I were both pretty much aghast. As a last resort I suggest walking to the Kmart on 34th Street. It was near the F and it couldn't hurt. Right?

So we walk to Kmart and my heart is feeling heavy. We get there and head for the toys.

I see the cards as soon as we come off the escalator and I actually kind of ran over to them. It was such a great feeling to actually hold the box in my hand. Brian grabbed a deck for himself and we both went to pay the also amazing price tag of $6.17.

PS: If I ever walk past the fire house and see them playing Phase 10 I am totally calling them out.

PPS: Never judge until you've played it.

The fire department stopped by

2009-06-04T20:56:00.002-04:00

So today my roommate g-chats me that our apartment management company called her because our downstairs neighbor was complaining about a leak that seemed to be coming from our place. As an afterthought he said to her, "The fire department maybe came by and went in through your window so your apartment might be open right now."

My roommate was in New Jersey and I was in the middle of something at work. That is, until I heard that "maybe" some firemen had come into my apartment and had the audacity to leave it unlocked.

So for the first time I think ever, I left work, got right into a cab on 2nd Avenue with explicit instructions for the driver to take the FDR and I actually said the phrase "And can you please step on it?"

I got to my apartment to find that the fire department had indeed come by but thankfully there was a) no leak and b) no real evidence that any beefy firemen had ever stepped foot in the place except for my roommates window and AC being a left a little haphazardly askew. But the super had turned off the water until the source of the mysterious leak was solved. This sucked for me because I really had to pee but the plumber was coming to my apartment because the latest theory was that the leak was within the wall by my bathroom.

So I had to pee and I had to wait for the plumber.

Long story short, my roommate came home, we watched 4 episodes of Weeds in a row. and the plumber showed up and cut out a fairly large hole in the wall by my bathroom. He found and fixed the mystery leak and also left the fairly large hole in the wall because he's "the plumber, not the super."

He leaves and my roommate gets paranoid that all the rats and bugs that live in the walls will not mosey on into our apartment with a new front door. We call the super and conveniently it goes straight to voicemail. We decide to patch it up ourselves and looked around for anything to cover it. Our solution ended up involving about 10 sheets of canvas paper that's made for inkjet printers--it was an impulse buy 6 months ago when I had a notion that I could make some cool art that never happened. With the canvas paper and some packing tape we created a barrier that any general contractor would be proud of. As I was tearing off tape, I had a flash of what my life could be like in 10 years--on the floor in my house whereever it may be patching up a whole in the wall. It was a nice little flash.

So now the leak is fixed, the AC is back in, the wall has a band-aid, the water's back on and Kristyn and I are ready for Weeds season 5.

Oh and tomorrow's Friday and it's supposed to be beautiful and sunny all weekend.

Things are okay right now even though strange men broke into my house 6 hours ago and didn't make a mess.

I don't think it was a joke

2009-05-31T21:45:00.003-04:00

I was planning on blogging about how much I love Sandra Bullock romantic comedies. But the MTV Movie Awards is on and Bruno just swooped in on the audience on wires and fell down on Eminem and basically shoved his bare ass right into Eminem's face. And...it wasn't a joke and Eminem was pissed and I love Bruno.

I also really love the MTV Movie Awards. They keep panning to Robert Pattison and I'm losing my shit a little. Why does he make me so insane? I can't wait until Twilight is on cable.

Speaking of cable, today I called to bargain my way into a better price for my bill and ended up being talked into paying $5 more and adding Cinemax, Showtime, and Starz to my package. I am a sucker for all those channels.

PS: If you're not watching the MTV Movie Awards you should be because it's kind of insane.

UPDATE: He totally knew it was a joke. good acting job Eminem--you got me.

I love KFC

2009-05-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

But I just can't get behind the bucket of grilled chicken. It really grosses me out all slimy and in a bucket. I like my grilled chicken on a leafy green spread of lettuce with some nice spring vegetables on the side--NOT KFC mac and cheese (which I ADORE who am I kidding). I was one of the people who was able to get a hold of the free grilled chicken coupon that Oprah put out there. However on the day that you were supposed to be able to redeem your coupon for some grilled chicken goodness, lots of people were ridiculously inappropriate and COUNTRY and flooded every KFC trying to get some of that free chicken.

Maybe some people wanted to use it in some chicken tetrazzini.

In other news: I was one of the 9.8 million people who watched Jon and Kate Plus 8 last night. And guess what--I've been watching them since the documentary where she first whored out her multiples. And guess what else--their marriage has been a train wreck since ep 1 and that's why I kept watching. Is Jon SERIOUS? I would ask myself episode after episode as Kate continued to be a Kunt. The answer is that he was very much serious and now that they've made so much cash off their kids, he's laughing all the way to the bank.

And in other other news: I really need to get to work right now and I can't stop watching Tori and Dean.

FYI

2009-05-22T12:28:00.004-04:00

I HAVE BEEN WEARING JUMPSUITS SINCE 2001.

And I call them onesies.

Thanks Fashion for CATCHING UP.

Just so you know

2009-05-21T08:28:00.003-04:00

I have no problem with Adam Lambert being gay. I voted for Kris Allen because 1) he's precious and 2) Adam Lambert annoys the shit out of me and still would even if he was always fucking at least 2 girls and his balls hung to the floor. (Not sure why that makes him more straight but roll with me here)

American Idol made me so happy last night I can't even tell you. I also performed comedy for the first time in a year yesterday and the show went really great! I tried out some new jokes and the audience was fantastic. Then I get home and Idol blows my mind and THEN it was time for a little Real World/Road Rules action and Phase 10. If you haven't played Phase 10 get thee to a Kmart and pick that shit up. It's the cards that are always next to Uno. Never thought I'd say this but it's WAY better than Uno.

Today it's 80 degrees and sunny so I have nothing to complain about. All I really need to be happy is sunshine and days off. Tomorrow I get sunshine AND I get to leave at 2:00! I love corporate America!

Happy Thursday!!!

Oh and if you AREN'T following me on Twitter--get on that shit. I will admit that I was against Twitter at first but now I'm totally into it and loving it.

It hasn't been the best last few weeks

2009-05-05T12:57:00.001-04:00

But this has been getting me through the hard times. Trust me I have needed a laugh

I don't know when I'll be able to blog about what's going on but just know that everything is going to be fine.

Especially if I can get some of that good ole chicken tetrazinni.